What to do? A little advice please.

Claire212

While I appreciate that some things should be talked over by individual parents, there are times when the subject is sensitive such as this one.
When my son approached his father about this the conversation went one way. He said no.

He didn't say no because he really wanted to spend time with his son, he said no because he claimed I put him up to it and I wanted more money. My son was upset about this, so I went with him again. The result was the reason I put up this post.

FBaby. If my son wanted to stay at his Dads every weekend and I had said 'No' with no discussion then yes I would fully expect his father to become involved on behalf of his son to reach a compromise. But I would not expect him to dictate what happens and I don't believe that we have dictated anything in this case. If that were so then I wouldn't have even consulted his father. I would have just let our son come home on the thursday and dealt with it after.

My son is not being made to feel under any pressure by not walking with his friends. It's as another poster said, when he doesn't he feels excluded to a certain extent. They all live so close together normally. He feels he is missing out. His best friend Mason was in the same boat spending time at his Dads too. They have since worked out a solution, so making out that I am ignoring bullying is not going to help the situation or give advice I had hoped to recieve.

I appreciate that you think my son should just 'suck it up' and do as his Dad says, but that is your parenting strategy, not mine. It could cause hostility towards his Dad and result in him refusing to go at all.

It will after all only be a mater of time when he will decide where he goes all the time, and neither of us will have any say.

I do however thank you for your views.

Toto

The problem is that your involvement is going to have the ex digging his heels in, he will dismiss any request to change the current set up. This has to come from your son, he needs to tell his dad why he wants to change the school night, perhaps a compromise can be made (i.e. drop your son at home early, drop him at school earlier). If he's old enough to decide what he wants to do then he's old enough to approach his dad and discuss it. I really think you need to take a step back though, having dealt with a very difficult ex this was the only way I found to make things happen.

Claire212

Just to clear this up. My son asked on Sunday (He was at his Dads last weekend) if he could not sleep over on Thursdays. He tried to no avail to persuade his father that this was his own decision. On sunday night when he brought him back his father said No. Giving the reason that I had put him up to it as a money grabbing ploy.

As yesterday was the 'Thursday night' in question my son tried again. I had a phone call from my son saying Dad said no. Passing me the phone his father said if he wants to do that then I want another night. I can't do it any other time than the weekend cos I work. It will have to be friday.

I am expecting the same result when my son comes back from school in about 20 minutes. (Walking).

He has 'compromised' with something that impacts ME directly. And so I am expected to sit back and agree. I have suggested he just goes for tea and is then brought home, on more than one night if necessary. The only reason that I can see he needs him to sleep overnight is the CSA calculation changes, but I could get a recalculation for that anyway.

He will not budge on the overnight thing. If my son had any other reasons for not wanting to go then his father has definately put him off voicing them. I don't think he wants to upset him.

balletshoes

okay - so you said you can do Friday night instead of Thursday night. So why not do that?

ellay864

I can understand how your son feels. My boys often cancelled on seeing their dad as they got into teens. Luckily my ex didn't have any issue with it, neither of us bothered about the impact on money (we didn't go through CSA anyway) but it meant that with my youngest in particular he sometimes wen't a while without seeing his dad, or not seeing him a full weekend etc. But he would sort out getting a train over for the Saturday afternoon if ex had picked DS1 up on the Friday for example. Is public transport an option for your son? Could he bus to school instead of going with his dad, and then meet up with his mates on the route?

FBaby

But he was prepared to compromise since he said in that case he would have another night. Did your son actually said he didn't want that because he 'wanted to bond with his little sister'? To be fair, saying that he doesn't want to stay overnight because he is desperate to walk with his friends and not miss one day and prefers a night with his little sister to bond with her rather than being with his dad doesn't sound like what a 13 yo would say, so can understand dad questioning his reasons, especially if the issue of days was raised with the csa in the past.

I too totally agree with older kids expressing their wishes to their parents, but you then have to balance what they think his best for them and what is not. I can understand the dad thinking that missing walking with friends one morning out of 10 is not a valid reason to change some arrangements that have suited so far. My DD oftens wants to go the park with her friends, I don't always say yes just because she wants it.

Toto

Can you make it clear to the dad that you have no intention of going to the csa to tell them how many nights dad is or isn't having your son? I'm sure you've tried but maybe try again if possible?

The problem is that if dad keeps on digging his heels in then your son won't want to go at all and that will cause all sorts of problems.

Personally I think that if it's simply about missing the walk to school then it's a bit 'suck it up kid' we don't all get to do everything we want to in life. If it's more to do with stressing about being late, well, that's a different thing and dad needs to sort it.

mgdavid

Claire212 wrote: »

..........
It will after all only be a matter of time when he will decide where he goes all the time, and neither of us will have any say..........

maybe you're missing the point, maybe that time is beginning now. Certainly the Family courts pay a lot of attention to the child's wishes once in their teens. And it is very common for mothers to find it difficult to acknowledge that their children are growing up fast.

Errata

It's also difficult for fathers when their sons start to challenge them, which they do once they hit puberty.

Shelldean

so, ex is currently pay CSA based on false readings? CSA is based on XX nights, but Ex has son XY? ( cant recall exact numbers) which is less. So if you reported this your money would go up?

Could you not point out to ex that as he is already not having son the required amount of nights and yet despite this you've not reported changes to gain more money? So surely if you was on a money grabbing mission you'd have already alerted CSA that the calculations are incorrect?