Ideas for Empty Nester ?

ognum

This may not be useful to the OP but to others the important thing is not to revolve your life around your children.

You have a life to lead too, your children should and will leave home, you job is to give them roots and wings so they know where to come back to but can also feel happy to fly away.

Your children want to feel secure that you can live your life without them, they also want intelligent, interesting conversations. create an interesting life for yourself, enjoy it.

Nenen

You mentioned 'pets' - what pets have you already got? I missed my children dreadfully when they went and even though I suffer from a painful condition which causes intermittent periods of severe fatigue and was working full time in a stressful job, when the last one left home I felt bereft. MY dh agreed (after some persuasion) that I could get a small dog (small enough for me to be able to manage the amount of walking she needs). She makes me feel needed and gives unconditional love and loyalty; dh and I both adore her and out children tease us that they've been replaced by a puppy.:D

ska_lover

I am DREADING when mine goes to uni next week. Really dreading it. The overwhelming feeling of gloom has really hit me over the last few days. I am doing my best to hide it from my offspring, but it does feel awful.

I am all out of ideas to keep myself sane at the moment , I work fulltime, but the thought of coming home to no blaring music etc, just feels miserable at the min

Nenen

ska_lover wrote: »

I am DREADING when mine goes to uni next week. Really dreading it. The overwhelming feeling of gloom has really hit me over the last few days. I am doing my best to hide it from my offspring, but it does feel awful.

I am all out of ideas to keep myself sane at the moment , I work fulltime, but the thought of coming home to no blaring music etc, just feels miserable at the min

Aww ska - been there, got the t-shirt etc. In my experience, it feels exactly like taking them for their first day at school ... (and where exactly did the intervening 14 years go?) ... pleased and excited for them yet feeling gut-wrenchingly sad, managing to remain resolutely cheerful and positive in front of them, then crying all the way home!

It does get easier though and I love seeing how amazing my babies are now I can (usually) relate to them as adults.

Nenen

paulineb wrote: »

Some people have always lived alone, possibly different, but there are always ways to fill your time.

That's true and it is also true that many, many single/childless people lead extremely fulfilling and busy lives. However, I think there is a difference between people who have always lived alone/without children and parents who feel like empty-nesters. The difficulty for lots of parents (myself included) is that we can (without being consciously aware of it) allow our role as parents to define our sense of identity and purpose for 18+ years, which can lead to a deep sense of loss and purposelessness when our chicks fly the nest.

ska_lover

I did just contribute further to this thread, but got a rather suprising quoted response (from a long time poster who has just deleted it) with regards to the fact that I should perhaps get a grip as some people are actually grieving for their children...?

To the poster involved - you know who you are, this thread is not about grieving over a death of a child, it is about children going off to university and in your words, you tried to ''make me feel guilty'' for being so overdramatic as ...but a complete stranger cannot make me feel guilty for something that is, perfectly natural reaction. Your views, unfortunately for you, are not more important in my life, than mine.

To other people coming on here looking for support to get through what IS a tough time for parents, I wouldn't bother, as you will just get shot down in flames by people who have no understanding.

It's just life though, some people would drive down the road, and see a person injured on the floor after a bike collision, and others would stop and help (I had this happen yesterday on the way to work)- same for these boards - but worse because some take some kind of delight in 'putting you in your place' for daring to have an opinion, or experience that does not equally match their own.

Poppy9

I too will be an empty nester next week and a few months ago I was dreading it and a bit teary but now I'm excited.

I'm excited for DD starting a new journey. My job these last 18 years has been to prepare her to strike out.

One friend asked me what I was going to do when DD left home and insisted I should find a new hobby to occupy me. She found it difficult to understand that I'm okay with not having to food shop/menu plan with the family in mind, that I no longer will feel I have to go straight home after work every evening. Oh and the tidy house and no questions of "what can I eat":D

Last thing I want to do is go away on holiday as I want to be within driving distance of DD for a few months while she settles.

So perhaps just let your wife be and let her find her own way of dealing with the new situation. You can't avoid the situation, your child is leaving home and running away or forcing yourself to find something else to occupy won't stop you feeling sad that one part of your life has come to an end. Instead talk positively about how much your child will enjoy the next stage of her life, how proud you are of her having the confidence to go off and do it. If your wife feels low and bored she will hopefully deal with it in her own way.

Nenen

ska_lover wrote: »

I did just contribute further to this thread, but got a rather suprising quoted response (from a long time poster who has just deleted it) with regards to the fact that I should perhaps get a grip as some people are actually grieving for their children...?

Sorry to hear you were on the receiving end of a post like that Ska... I didn't see it but, from what you say, it could just as easily been directed at me. Obviously most people would agree that the death of a child is one of the most devastating things that can happen to any parent and it is something I hope I never have to go through and wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. However, if we could only post about the most devastating possible problems and losses known to mankind then most of MSE would be redundant... after all, I doubt whether any grieving parent cares much about a four year old wetting the bed or saving 10p in Tescos.

Problems are usually relative to the person and their situation and life experiences at the time. What one person is able to sail through without batting an eyelid, causes someone else significant difficulty. It is also true that how we think we would feel in someone else's situation, or how we think we will feel about something that may happen in the future, and how we actually do feel when we experience it are two completely different things.

If someone had asked me when my children were younger how I would feel when they all left home, I would have said many things along the lines that others have posted about above... how I was purposely raising them to be independent adults, how proud and excited I would be for them when they were ready to fly the nest, how I had a busy and fulfilled life irrespective of my children, how much I would enjoy having more quality time to spend with my dh and on myself, my hobbies etc etc etc. The truth is that although all these things are true, I also felt gut-wrenchingly sad and as if I had lost my sense of purpose for a while. It did feel like a mini-bereavement to me at the time and it has taken a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer the mother of young children who depend on me. I am not saying for one minute that it is anything like how I imagine I would feel if I were to lose a child, just that personally, I needed time to readjust in ways I had never anticipated.

In fact, having taken several months to reflect and readjust, I am now entering what feels like an extremely positive period of my life. I decided that, as my children are no longer financially dependant upon me, I could take the risk of resigning from my very demanding job and change my career in order to be able to write, something I have always wanted to have a go at but never had the time for. Working part-time from home has also given me the opportunity to get my little dog, whom I get a great deal of pleasure from too, so I felt it might be useful for me to share some of my strategies for dealing with a situation I found more difficult than I ever imagined I would.

ska_lover wrote: »

To other people coming on here looking for support to get through what IS a tough time for parents, I wouldn't bother, as you will just get shot down in flames by people who have no understanding.

It never ceases to amaze me how some people will post things on a forum that they would never dream of saying to someone in real life. However, I can honestly say that on MSE for every rude or insensitive poster I've come across, there are at least 20 who are kind, helpful and understanding, or at last polite!

paulineb_2

Nenen wrote: »

That's true and it is also true that many, many single/childless people lead extremely fulfilling and busy lives. However, I think there is a difference between people who have always lived alone/without children and parents who feel like empty-nesters. The difficulty for lots of parents (myself included) is that we can (without being consciously aware of it) allow our role as parents to define our sense of identity and purpose for 18+ years, which can lead to a deep sense of loss and purposelessness when our chicks fly the nest.

Im sure, but speaking as someone who is 44, I see my mum a lot, probably about 3-4 times a week, my brother is 34, he sees her at least once a week.

Contact doesnt need to stop when someone moves away to uni, my brother left for uni at 17 and yes I bet my mum found it tough as two of us had moved out within the space of a year

And she was on her own, she didnt have a partner to come home to at night. She works full time, she does voluntary work on a saturday for a charity, she sees friends, by her own admission shes not a massive socialiser, but shes close to us and always has been, my brothers in a live in relationship, Im not, but he still makes time to see her.

The same way when my gran was alive, my mum saw a lot of her, in fact my gran moved closer to my mum after my grandpa died.
I dont think theres been a week in the last 18 years which is how long its been since I left home and moved into my own place that I havent seen or spoken to my mum

And sometimes people end up separated by quite a great distance, Ive got friends who have emigrated and the daughter is staying on here to finish an apprenticeship before she goes out to live with them and that must be tough

But with email, skype, texts, msn, its much easier to keep in touch with someone these days than it used to be.

ska_lover

Nenen wrote: »

Sorry to hear you were on the receiving end of a post like that Ska... I didn't see it but, from what you say, it could just as easily been directed at me. Obviously most people would agree that the death of a child is one of the most devastating things that can happen to any parent and it is something I hope I never have to go through and wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. However, if we could only post about the most devastating possible problems and losses known to mankind then most of MSE would be redundant... after all, I doubt whether any grieving parent cares much about a four year old wetting the bed or saving 10p in Tescos.

Problems are usually relative to the person and their situation and life experiences at the time. What one person is able to sail through without batting an eyelid, causes someone else significant difficulty. It is also true that how we think we would feel in someone else's situation, or how we think we will feel about something that may happen in the future, and how we actually do feel when we experience it are two completely different things.

If someone had asked me when my children were younger how I would feel when they all left home, I would have said many things along the lines that others have posted about above... how I was purposely raising them to be independent adults, how proud and excited I would be for them when they were ready to fly the nest, how I had a busy and fulfilled life irrespective of my children, how much I would enjoy having more quality time to spend with my dh and on myself, my hobbies etc etc etc. The truth is that although all these things are true, I also felt gut-wrenchingly sad and as if I had lost my sense of purpose for a while. It did feel like a mini-bereavement to me at the time and it has taken a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer the mother of young children who depend on me. I am not saying for one minute that it is anything like how I imagine I would feel if I were to lose a child, just that personally, I needed time to readjust in ways I had never anticipated.

In fact, having taken several months to reflect and readjust, I am now entering what feels like an extremely positive period of my life. I decided that, as my children are no longer financially dependant upon me, I could take the risk of resigning from my very demanding job and change my career in order to be able to write, something I have always wanted to have a go at but never had the time for. Working part-time from home has also given me the opportunity to get my little dog, whom I get a great deal of pleasure from too, so I felt it might be useful for me to share some of my strategies for dealing with a situation I found more difficult than I ever imagined I would.



It never ceases to amaze me how some people will post things on a forum that they would never dream of saying to someone in real life. However, I can honestly say that on MSE for every rude or insensitive poster I've come across, there are at least 20 who are kind, helpful and understanding, or at last polite!

Thank you. I find your post the most helpful thing that has been said to be in any conversation about empty nesting. An awful lot of people just don't 'get it'...and just for expressing that I feel down, I have been accused of basically being a saddo, who is living her life through her child...which is not true, I have always worked full time and had an active social life etc...it's just a sense of loss at how close we are now, compared to what it will be like in the future.

I find your post very inspiring and helpful