Ideas for Empty Nester ?

Prothet_of_Doom

Okay, I have to reveal some personal details, but I'll try to keep it brief.

Me : I work away, freelance on 6 month, to 12 month contracts. Have done for 4 years since being made redundant. I have yet to see a contract within daily commute of home.
Wife : Has been a stay at home mum, and then worked part time in a stress full job for a charity, before getting ME (Chronic Fatique) in 2006. She does my books, and keeps the house, and looks after her parents, and supports her sister, (who has children with significant needs. She works one day (6 hours) a week for a charity unpaid. The ME is still a factor, I don't think she could work full time.

What I need help on is being one step ahead with ideas. (Make me look clever and bright :rotfl:)

Youngest child is applying for university to start next October, and I'm getting vibes, about what she's going to do then. I know she'll panic about not having a role in life, etc.

So far, I've said "I'm taking you on holiday, the day after we drop them both off. for a month somewhere hot"

I've also said "Well, where-ever I'm working you can come with me, and contact a local agency, and see what's available"

That went down like a lead balloon.

The other one that went badly, was "There's nothing stopping you going to university yourself"

So random ideas I can just throw into the conversation over the next 12 months.

RAS

Does your contract work come with accomodation? is it suitable for couples?

Re dropping the sprogs off and then going on holiday; she will be panic-stricken by the idea that if either of them need help, no-one will be home. May also also affecting view of second option?

Brighton_belle

How very thoughtful of you.
I would suggest 4 sessions with a life coach to help her find what makes her spark inside.
It may take until your child has left home for her to experience what is possible: she's probably juggling at her limit at the mo, with the ME still a factor and it may be impossible for her to imagine having spare energy to do anything else, until she has the spare time next Oct if you see what I mean.

The best thing you can do is to offer reassurance and that your ideas are just that, and not pressure (and I don't think you are pressurising her, but she may translate it that way when feeling anxious about the changes ahead.)

Dunroamin

Open University?

Mojisola

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

Wife : Has been a stay at home mum, and then worked part time in a stress full job for a charity, before getting ME (Chronic Fatique) in 2006.

She does my books, and keeps the house, and looks after her parents, and supports her sister, (who has children with significant needs. She works one day (6 hours) a week for a charity unpaid.

The ME is still a factor, I don't think she could work full time.

The ME is still a factor and she does all that in a week and you want to find things that will keep her busy! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

One young adult at home can't have needed much looking after so is she really going to have much spare time to fill?

Brighton_belle

I didn't read the op has him thinking his wife would have time to fill, but more would be suffering from a loss of purpose, as no longer a full time mum.
He's looking for ways to help his wife find new purpose in the next phase of her life I think.

Dunroamin

Mojisola wrote: »

The ME is still a factor and she does all that in a week and you want to find things that will keep her busy! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

One young adult at home can't have needed much looking after so is she really going to have much spare time to fill?

With the OP working away and the children having left, there isn't going to be anything much in the way of housekeeping to do, although I do see what you mean in general.

Bernice50

Hi ! I am that 'EMPTY NESTER' Daughter off to Uni next week and am so anxious and stressed....but still work part time with Chronic conditions and if I didn't would probably fall into Depression...Have no family support but a few good friends - at least your wife/partner has family to call on should she not feel validated?! I am also at a loss to what I should be doing for myself as, with chronic conditions, socialising after 6 pm is almost impossible but do wish you well and will be looking for random suggestions on this forum! Think you are a great guy..would love holiday in the warm sun for a few weeks would really help the arthritic knees - Hope you are appreciated!!

Counting_Pennies_2

If the Chronic Fatigue is an issue, her going to university would no doubt go down like a lead balloon in her mind as it is quite a commitment, mentally and physically to regularly attend.

I have for the last five years suffered with a variety of conditions and fatigue is one of them.

The thought of committing to something overwhelms me with either panic or exhaustion. Fatigue can some days be under control and the next day I can find it difficult to do more than get the kids to school and put on a load of washing.

I favour projects, so I know I can cope with bursts of activity and requirement on my time and then be able to have time to recover.

Something that takes just a day up to a couple of weeks is perfect for me. Always with the knowledge I will have a rest period afterwards where nothing is required of me.

I wonder if your wife is similar. Also the fact you are coming up with suggestions might also overwhelm her.

At the current moment, I would let her just be and let her know you will support her in her decisions on what if anything she wants to do.

It does sound like she has a lot of commitments already, and perhaps she is just a little apprehensive over what her perceived role in life is, more than what next to take on.

hth

Prothet_of_Doom

RAS wrote: »

Does your contract work come with accomodation? is it suitable for couples?

I run my own ltd company, so it comes out of that and reduces the profit, so I try to keep it cheap.

For the 1st 4 years of doing this, I've either been in really cheap B&B (but clean, and secure, and designed for contractors like me) or have found myself a room in someone's house...Usually via company intranet 'wanted ads' . She always refused to visit "as I'm not living like a student" . Personally I've found sharing with people 15 years younger than me, to be an enlightening experience.

Currently I'm renting a mini cottage, with an all inclusive, on a farm about 8 miles from my contract, which is small, but no sharing. It's a bit more expensive, but I've managed to get a higher hourly rate, and am booking more hours than previous, so not an issue.

She has visited once over the summer, and we are spending Friday night there, with DD on the way back from a university open day. It would be perfect, but they won't allow pets.

Counting_Pennies_2

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

So far, I've said "I'm taking you on holiday, the day after we drop them both off. for a month somewhere hot"

I've also said "Well, where-ever I'm working you can come with me, and contact a local agency, and see what's available"

That went down like a lead balloon.

The other one that went badly, was "There's nothing stopping you going to university yourself"

You probably haven't just come out with 'I'm taking you.......'

I wonder have you instead thought about saying, how do you fancy a nice treat, do you fancy a holiday, how soon after x has settled into university would you like to take off. Where shall we discuss heading off to'.

I wonder if she might be panicking thinking her purpose in life is going, and now she is being told when and where she is going to be next.

I too would probably want to be contactable and around the first few months of university in case there was a need from one of the children.