Husband problems

ERICS_MUM

thorsoak wrote: »

I'm pretty sure you've been asked this already - but - do you still love him? Simple answer - yes or no!

my personal view is that sometimes love isn't enough. Sorry, seems rather cynical but I'm sure many will agree with me !

System

Been married for 20+ years, husband made redundant just before I had the kids and has not had a permanent job since. That was 18 years ago.
Keeps coming up with money making schemes or projects that never get off the ground.
While I am working full time and have been since kids went to school and paying most of the household bills and the mortgage.
Am I just being very stupid or unreasonable as really think that enough is enough.

Heck my husband could have written this post about me. I hope he doesn't feel as hard done to as you do.

JimmyTheWig

ERICS_MUM wrote: »

my personal view is that sometimes love isn't enough. Sorry, seems rather cynical but I'm sure many will agree with me !

Bit it is at least a good starting point.
If they love each other then it is worth trying to see if they can work things out. If they don't, then what's the point?

Spendless

You say he's not had a permanent job in this time. Has he had any temporary ones?

mellenrob

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

But... here we are talking about non-violent and non-controlling behaviour that the OP has endorsed by her lack of feedback to her partner.

Neither is the 'victim'... there are two parts of the whole in the partnership.

Rather than asking a bunch of strangers what she should do, the OP could just talk to her partner - a novel idea I know - he might be sitting there thinking that the OP shares his vision of the future.

I've tried constantly to talk to him and suggested counselling but he will not accept there is an issue , appreciate all advice offered here but guess this not the place to have aired my issues. After all this is meant to be money saving not marriage counselling.

OliveOil

Counselling for what? If you love him and he loves you, you just need to talk to each other and actually make an effort. He seems to be trying by coming up with money making schemes so its not like he is sitting doing nothing....My advice would be not to get sucked into this world of conforming with society but do what makes you happy. I don't see why him not making money which is just something materialistic would make you leave the relationship after so long. Maybe you mean that he doesnt make an effort in other aspects rather than the not making money part and you are just thinking of excuses?
Maybe you could both have a little break or do something different together and use the time to talk to each other about what you want, how you feel..etc without it turning into an argument

sulphate

I'm a child of a similar couple. When I was 3 my dad lost his job and didn't get another. Didn't even look. Applied for one job I think. Certainly never attempted any money making schemes.

When I was younger I thought he was the stay at home parent, as I've got older I've realised that it wasn't like that. He never took me anywhere, my parents shared the school run (often with other parents too), my dad sat on his !!! all day whilst my mum would come in at 7-8pm after a 12 hour day to cook dinner. He was also abusive to both of us too, although I realise that's not relevant in your situation.

My mum will never do anything about it, and I don't have a good relationship with my dad as a result. I envy equal families. Children need a stable, equal parental unit. I hope you are able to resolve the situation or get out of it.

Vicky123

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

But... here we are talking about non-violent and non-controlling behaviour that the OP has endorsed by her lack of feedback to her partner.

Neither is the 'victim'... there are two parts of the whole in the partnership.

Rather than asking a bunch of strangers what she should do, the OP could just talk to her partner - a novel idea I know - he might be sitting there thinking that the OP shares his vision of the future.

Does a grown man really need someone to tell him he should be contributing, remember the OP said he doesn't do any of the housework either, he knows fine well that he's getting an easy ride.
It doesn't appear to be any kind of partnership, what decent person would sit around and watch their partner doing all the work, sometimes if you have to tell them then it's already over.

System

Judi wrote: »

Heck my husband could have written this post about me. I hope he doesn't feel as hard done to as you do.

On the other hand I don't get much of a say on how he spends his money.

If he's spending the money you earn on these hair brained schemes i'd cut his source of money off.

seven-day-weekend

Tish_P wrote: »

This may not be a particularly valuable contribution to the thread, but I want to nuke the phrase "help with the kids". "Help" suggests it's a favour he's doing, taking on some of your job. It's not. It's a shared responsibility.

Also on the hit list is "babysitting" referring to a father.

My next-door neighbour used to refer to looking after his own children as 'babysitting for J****' (his wife) :eek:

I think if the OP's scenario was agreed eighteen years ago between them, then they need to now sit down and discuss what happens next.

If it wasn't agreed then they need to sit down and down and discuss what happens next.

Either way, they need to sort it out. No-one on here can tell them what to do.