Husband problems

Dimey

If, your husband has been a house husband and child carer for the past 18 years then I'd say he has contributed to the partnership while you've been out working. Nice normal arrangement.

If he's not taken responsibility for the home and children and you've had to do it on top of your own paid job, then I'd say he's been another child you've taken care of.

If you love him and want to stay together then its up to you what you accept. If you don't love him and he's not been taking responsibility for home and children then why would you let him take advantage of you. You might as well be happily alone with your children.

Tiddlywinks

Before everyone jumps on the 'outrage bus'... let's remember that the OP has allowed this to happen for the last 18 years thus enabling her OH's behaviour.

In living with it for 18 years, she has given the impression that it is OK for him to do what he does.

Instead of asking the opinions of strangers whether she should make changes in her life perhaps she should just talk to her OH and see where that leads.

We cannot know the intricacies of the situation and therefore should not offer 'shoot from the hip' advice to leave etc.

paulineb_2

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Before everyone jumps on the 'outrage bus'... let's remember that the OP has allowed this to happen for the last 18 years thus enabling her OH's behaviour.

In living with it for 18 years, she has given the impression that it is OK for him to do what he does.

Instead of asking the opinions of strangers whether she should make changes in her life perhaps she should just talk to her OH and see where that leads.

We cannot know the intricacies of the situation and therefore should not offer 'shoot from the hip' advice to leave etc.

But people do offer that kind of advice on here

Ive seen threads on here where in the space of a few pages people have made decisions to leave a partner and recently someone made a decision to end a pregnancy and leave a relationship based on the information she had given and the info that was given back

I absolutely agree we dont know every single bit of information, but I do think that sometimes people need to post about an issue, then go away and take time to digest whats been said and only after that, make a decision and of course talk to the other person involved if possible

Sometimes when people post, if people have been through similar of course they'll be posting from their own perspective, but people can only give advice on what they see, I do think we have a lot of power, more than we realise sometimes

I do think though, often by the time people are at a certain stage, posting, they know themselves, they just want some kind of validation that they are making the right decision.

maman

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Before everyone jumps on the 'outrage bus'... let's remember that the OP has allowed this to happen for the last 18 years thus enabling her OH's behaviour.

In living with it for 18 years, she has given the impression that it is OK for him to do what he does.

Instead of asking the opinions of strangers whether she should make changes in her life perhaps she should just talk to her OH and see where that leads.

We cannot know the intricacies of the situation and therefore should not offer 'shoot from the hip' advice to leave etc.

Sometimes, that's exactly what the poster wants. They're seeking the opinion of people not involved as it allows a more objective view. Obviously, we're basing our advice on what just one partner says but that's why people ask questions before giving advice.

So in this case it seems that the husband has led a cushy life for 18 years and wife has had enough. All give on her part, all take on his. Prospect of an inheritance has made her realise that he's likely to do a lot more taking in the near future so she wants to protect the money from him.

Same advice as before: you'll need to speak to a solicitor. I'm sure he will if you plan to divorce him and he'll be trying to make a case for being a 'house husband' and being entitled. I'm guessing you'll have to come to some sort of 'full and final' financial settlement with him to protect your assets. But that's my guesswork. You need legal advice to be sure.

JimmyTheWig

mellenrob wrote: »

he believes he is an entrenprenuer and 'working from home' only that there is no income involved

That's a reasonable state of affairs if you both are happy with it.
For example, you might figure that it is worth him working for, say, 6 months without any income on the basis that after that the money will start rolling in.
If you can afford to live on the one wage coming in then this might be a worthwhile risk.
But after a while you need to ask yourselves whether this is going to work. If it has been years and years with no results - and nothing real to indicate there will be any change in the near future - then it is probably the time to give it up and take a paid job.
That's a decision for you to come to together. I don't see the benefit to him in working hard at these schemes to see no profit just as I don't see the benefit to you in him working hard at these schemes to see no profit. So either he is doing it for an easy life (i.e. he isn't working hard at these schemes) or he is deluded in thinking the big break is just around the corner (or you are wrong and the big break _is_ just around the corner, but I doubt that after all these years!).

If you love each other and this is the only problem with your relationship then I think you can work it out between you.
But if you don't love each other then this problem barely comes into the equation.

fluffnutter

Having put up with it for 18 years, there's not really much impetus for him to change. You married a dreamer - only you can decide if that's not what you want any more.

Vicky123

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Before everyone jumps on the 'outrage bus'... let's remember that the OP has allowed this to happen for the last 18 years thus enabling her OH's behaviour.

In living with it for 18 years, she has given the impression that it is OK for him to do what he does.

Instead of asking the opinions of strangers whether she should make changes in her life perhaps she should just talk to her OH and see where that leads.

We cannot know the intricacies of the situation and therefore should not offer 'shoot from the hip' advice to leave etc.

Often times though it's the kind of person who finds it difficult to assert themselves that end up in this situation, or maybe even difficult with one particular person, sometimes people hang on in the hope that the other will develop some moral fibre, so although it does in practical terms enable the person to continue it's hardly complicit.
I think the word enable is often used to turn perpetrators into victims, it's used all the time in divorce courts, the old "Why didn't you just leave" trick question.

fluffnutter

Vicky123 wrote: »

Often times though it's the kind of person who finds it difficult to assert themselves that end up in this situation, or maybe even difficult with one particular person, sometimes people hang on in the hope that the other will develop some moral fibre, so although it does in practical terms enable the person to continue it's hardly complicit.
I think the word enable is often used to turn perpetrators into victims, it's used all the time in divorce courts, the old "Why didn't you just leave" trick question.

Absolutely true. Whilst personal responsibility is paramount, victims aren't responsible for crimes. Instead of asking, for example in a domestic violence situation, 'why doesn't she leave?' why aren't we asking 'why doesn't he stop?'.

Tiddlywinks

fluffnutter wrote: »

Absolutely true. Whilst personal responsibility is paramount, victims aren't responsible for crimes. Instead of asking, for example in a domestic violence situation, 'why doesn't she leave?' why aren't we asking 'why doesn't he stop?'.

But... here we are talking about non-violent and non-controlling behaviour that the OP has endorsed by her lack of feedback to her partner.

Neither is the 'victim'... there are two parts of the whole in the partnership.

Rather than asking a bunch of strangers what she should do, the OP could just talk to her partner - a novel idea I know - he might be sitting there thinking that the OP shares his vision of the future.

paulineb_2

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

But... here we are talking about non-violent and non-controlling behaviour that the OP has endorsed by her lack of feedback to her partner.

Neither is the 'victim'... there are two parts of the whole in the partnership.

Rather than asking a bunch of strangers what she should do, the OP could just talk to her partner - a novel idea I know - he might be sitting there thinking that the OP shares his vision of the future.

Which would seem to be something along the lines of del boy trotter this time next year we'll be millionaires.

But I agree, they do need to talk.