Husband problems

mellenrob

Sorry I'd posted this in wrong place and got confused in someone else's thread as I'm a newbie to the forum - Been married for 20+ years, husband made redundant just before I had the kids and has not had a permanent job since. That was 18 years ago.
Keeps coming up with money making schemes or projects that never get off the ground.
While I am working full time and have been since kids went to school and paying most of the household bills and the mortgage.
Am I just being very stupid or unreasonable as really think that enough is enough.

Any suggestions?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Do you love him?


If not, then the money stuff is irrelevant.

BitterAndTwisted

If you think "enough is enough" then it is. Is there a reason why your husband is content to live off your earnings while not contributing to the family's household expenses? Does he make a fair contribution in other ways if the household isn't suffering from there only being one income?

JimmyTheWig

Sort of depends how old the children (the youngest, in particular) is.
If you have young children then he may be taking on the stay-at-home parent role, which is absolutely fine if, as a family, you can afford to have one of you not working.

paulineb_2

mellenrob wrote: »

Sorry I'd posted this in wrong place and got confused in someone else's thread as I'm a newbie to the forum - Been married for 20+ years, husband made redundant just before I had the kids and has not had a permanent job since. That was 18 years ago.
Keeps coming up with money making schemes or projects that never get off the ground.
While I am working full time and have been since kids went to school and paying most of the household bills and the mortgage.
Am I just being very stupid or unreasonable as really think that enough is enough.

Any suggestions?

Im wondering why its taken you 18 years to get to this stage, thats a long time to be carrying someone else financially

You did post recently about an inheritance, is thats whats prompted this issue, because you are going to be left money and you dont want him to get access to it

I totally understand that things must be tough for you, but why have you carried him financially for such a long time, if these projects havent got off the ground why on earth hasnt he been out looking for work

Has he been making any NI contributions during this time, to go towards his state pension?

martinsurrey

paulineb wrote: »

Im wondering why its taken you 18 years to get to this stage, thats a long time to be carrying someone else financially

You did post recently about an inheritance, is thats whats prompted this issue, because you are going to be left money and you dont want him to get access to it

I totally understand that things must be tough for you, but why have you carried him financially for such a long time, if these projects havent got off the ground why on earth hasnt he been out looking for work

Has he been making any NI contributions during this time, to go towards his state pension?

I'm sure there are millions of people in the UK who havent had a job since thier family had children, so why is this case different? ohh yeah, its because he's a man...

if this was a man saying why should he be financially carrying his wife who hasnt had a job since having kids the post would explode on him for not valuing her work...

did he look after the children before and after school? during holidays? has he done the cleaning and ironing?

paulineb_2

martinsurrey wrote: »

I'm sure there are millions of people in the UK who havent had a job since thier family had children, so why is this case different? ohh yeah, its because he's a man...

if this was a man saying why should he be financially carrying his wife who hasnt had a job since having kids the post would explode on him for not valuing her work...

did he look after the children before and after school? during holidays? has he done the cleaning and ironing?

Actually, at no point has the OP said hes a house husband

She said he got made redundant 18 years ago and keeps coming up with money making schemes that dont get off the ground

And actually, no, my response had nothing to do with the fact that the OP is female. I respect the right of any couple to have a lifestyle that suits them, so if either of them stay home and look after the kids and the other earns then fine

But she hasnt said that thats what he does. She didnt say, my husband or partner has been a stay at home dad looking after the kids for 18 years

And Im sorry, 18 years? If thats the length of time hes been at home, kids dont need that much looking after at that age do they?

I came from a single parent family and my mum worked and extended family helped with childcare (I totally appreciate that people dont all have grans or grandparents to help). But at some point, kids arent kids anymore. Her kids are now young adults

At 18 years old you dont need a parent to be there when you come home from school or college, you might even be working yourself

So while it could be argued that if this man has been staying at home and looking after the children to help save on childcare fees, these arent kids who need looking after the way younger kids do.

So at the very least, even if he was needed around the house while they were growing up, it would be reasonable to suggest that he can now start jobhunting

And my comment about the NI contributions were for his sake, because if he hasnt been making any, hes got a lot of catching up to do.

paulineb_2

And even people who do need to be around for their kids during the day can work part time, at weekends or other shifts when their partner is at home, so that the childcare is shared and theres more money coming into the home.

Lots of people do it.

JimmyTheWig

paulineb wrote: »

at no point has the OP said hes a house husband

Equally, however, she hasn't said that he isn't.

my response had nothing to do with the fact that the OP is female.

I think if it was a woman at home there would be more of an assumption that she was a stay at home parent if it wasn't mentioned either way.

And Im sorry, 18 years? If thats the length of time hes been at home, kids dont need that much looking after at that age do they?

Depends how many children they have and how far apart they had them. All we know is that the eldest is around 18. They could be 18, 12 and 6, in which case having one parent at home full time is perfectly reasonable.

Tish_P

Has he been contributing to the household in other ways? Housework, cooking, childcare, running finances, doing the shopping, emotional support?

paulineb_2

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

Equally, however, she hasn't said that he isn't.


I think if it was a woman at home there would be more of an assumption that she was a stay at home parent if it wasn't mentioned either way.


Depends how many children they have and how far apart they had them. All we know is that the eldest is around 18. They could be 18, 12 and 6, in which case having one parent at home full time is perfectly reasonable.

Its reasonable, but its certainly not essential.

Given that by the time a child is 6 they will be in school and as I said before there are part time jobs that allow men and women to fit their working hours around their kids being in school

A friend of mine is a single parent, her daughter is 7. She has a job that allows her to work around her daughters school hours, she was part time at first, shes now full time, she works in a school, not as a teacher but as an assistant.

The fact that the OP is unhappy with her husband, well theres something wrong to the point where shes considering ending the marriage over it

Also, there are jobs people can do working from home. Shes made it clear that he was trying to start schemes to make money, Im assuming it would have been his own business and unless that business was solely being run from home or it was a nightshift job he was planning to set up, hed have been away from the kids at some point anyway.