Divorced for being too money saving!

enthusiasticsaver

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

I did miss your point.
The point for the OP was that both parties, need to feel like they have total control of something, rather than partial control of everything, or in her case, one person controlling everything, and him feeling like he had no say at all.

One way of having a say, is for both people to have thier own cash 'float'. The way I do it for me, is that I take £30 in cash with me on a Monday, and come back on Friday, and if I have anything left I can buy either Cava or Flowers (my wife likes both) and if not, a mars bar with a ribbon.

Interesting point and one my husband and I have often pondered during our 32 year marriage. We have a joint account, my husband could not care less about saving, getting better deals on insurance, utilities etc and he does not do the food shop or arrange for quotes for things to be done around the house. If you asked him how much the council tax was or even how much he gets paid or what he pays into his pension he would not have a clue because I know all of that and deal with our finances even though I always run big purchases past him.


He is very good at DIY when he is not working and the way we have found works for us is our direct debits for bills all come out of the joint account and I record every spend for household and my personal stuff and take it out of there but a monthly payment goes into his work expenses account and he spends only from that. Obviously holidays, meals out, car and house expenditure come from our joint account but his own personal spend on hobbies, lunches out when he is working and boys weekends away come from his expenses account. That works for us because I am not constantly quizzing him about why he has taken another £100 cash out of the joint account or more mysterious purchases from amazon and he is happy with that and he does not mess my budget up as I know his spending money has gone out at the beginning of the month and account for it. Years ago we did as you say and withdrew cash at the beginning of the week each and said no more without speaking to the other. It made for a much happier marriage

gycraig_2

personally me and girlfriend have a joint account which is for bills and savings and we take £200 out eacha month which doesnt need explaining to the other partner where it went

audigex

I don't think too much money saving can end a marriage/relationship, but vastly different attitudes towards it can.

I think that either way there has to be a limit - one can't spend without restriction, or it puts the family at risk.... but at the same time, bringing sugar home from a restaurant is potentially embarrassing. I wouldn't want my friends or colleagues seeing my partner taking home sugar.

Image is important to people, and particularly men can feel very small if it appears to their friends/family/colleagues that they can't take care of their family financially. Right or wrong, there's still a divide in the expectation of family roles.

I have two approaches in relationships

1) Both have their own account and pay a fixed (but not necessarily equal) amount into a "shared expenses" account which pays the bills and joint treats etc. Both also have their own account for spending etc. this works very well if both partners are on similar incomes, and you can adjust the proportion both pay in to keep it reasonably fair.

2) All money is paid into a joint account and budgeted out, including a certain amount of allowance/spending money for both partners for treats etc. Spending out of the joint account should be required/justified, and significant spending should be agreed on... but whatever's in your own account is your own concern.

#1 works well in earlier stages of a relationship, and I found it answered well when living with my (now ex) girlfriend. #2 probably suits most families better, as more of the expense is shared

At the end of the day, though, it's about finding a sensible middle ground that you both agree on. My current girlfriend earns significantly less than me and is far more of a spender, so it can be a cause of friction... but if you work out the limits, that friction never becomes a spark.

Lunar_Eclipse

Tiglath wrote: »

What you're saying is that in your opinion men are inherently lazy and don't want to be concerned with details of how it actually all works; they want the women to work magic so it doesn't disturb them.

Well I hate to say it, but this is my husband.

And if I could be that way too I would.

I don't think many people actually enjoy grocery shopping, laundry, house maintenance etc. They're just necessary.

In answer to the OP, yes it's possible to be too money saving. Compatibility in financial approach is important as it sort of forms the foundation for everyday living I think.

benjus

anotheruser wrote: »

Sugar and ketchup sachets are good for taking abroad.
Freeze some sausages and they'll last the journey. Then the morning after you arrive you can have proper sausages with normal ketchup. No more waste buying a whole new jar when you only need a little bit.

Personally I'd rather eat the local sausages in pretty much any European country than ours.

tomtontom

How does this thread keep resurfacing?

Numpty69

Probably because it is so bizarre as an opener!!

harryfrombarry_2

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

I think maybe the sugar satchets was the straw that broke the camels back. It was probably a catalyst, an action that made him review his own aspirations and how you fitted into them.
Maybe you failed to share control, or he felt he had no voting rights, as indicated by the words "I never let my ex (or I) go without luxuries, treats or nice holidays"
Suggests to me like, you had control, and he did not have an equal control.
One of the issues in my marriage, has been that with money tight and a joint account, neither of us felt that we had any say. I felt like I had to ask permission to spend money, and felt selfish if I spent more than the bear minimum. My wife irritates me by attempting to justify any spending that wasn't planned. I'm not interested. You spent it, which is fine, but that means we have to reduce spending somewhere else, which is fine. Does that cause friction? You bet. But I never ever say, she wasn't justified in the expenditure.

I think maybe that he might have felt your control was TOO one sided.

Do men want money saving wife's ? No. We want to give you an allowance and keep some for ourselves, save the rest for holidays, and cars, and SHTF, and let you get on with running the house, whilst we go down the pub, but buy flowers on a Friday Evening, just like in my Grandad's dad.

We don't care how you save, or eak out the megre allowance, just that a meal is on the table, when we get home.

Sexist ? Indeed, but given the choice that's how men would be happy.

Speak for yourself, I think you're chatting 5hit.

duchy

pukkamum wrote: »

Money saving killed my dh's parents marriage, she kept them virtually on the poverty line, second hand everything, nothing new, chips for tea every night no holidays the list goes on.
She threw him out when the worm turned, he got a very much higher paid job and she was still telling him they had no money, complaining when he spent an unauthorised £20.
She then bought him out of the house with 60k she had sat in the bank.
To say he and my dh were furious is an understatement.

My first husband's parents marriage used to leave me open mouthed.
He had a very average job earnings wise for his age-because when the four kids were young they had emigrated -but had to return because she was homesick (everyone else wanted to stay) and he lost all seniority and had to start again.

He worked fulltime - she worked part-time. With four kids every penny of his money was accounted for- but all of her wages went into savings. When she had enough she bought a brand new car - but refused to use it for the family as she didn't want to wear it out. The children had literally never been anywhere in her car -she used it for work and visiting her friends exclusively. It really was a case of what is his is mine and what is mine is mine. She would complain he didn't earn enough -yet had thousands in savings but refused to contribute a penny to the family budget even when they were struggling. If the kids needed new shoes -it was tough -even for something like that she wouldn't touch her savings.

I'd never met anyone who would put saving before the basic needs of their kids before- It was quite an eyeopener.

FreeBear

retireby50 wrote: »

Shellie_Squirrel wrote: »

...and if there's any single tall, dark, handsome money saving Dads out there....who would value a money saving, savvy gorgeous girlfriend...then please get in touch.

I can manage one of these, will that do?

I can do three, may be four at a stretch


(Yes,I know the thread is over two years old....)