Advice needed...marriage breakdown / baby / money!

Kayalana99

Yea...I know their are two sides to every story but since the OP has said the husband has no interest in the child is it actally better for him to be taking time off to spend with the child...

Best to go down the CSA route as well you'd get 15% of his wage I belive unless he has the child overnight as well then it goes down. (assuming he won't co operativly hand the money over lol)

Gigglepig

Yes, I know it won't necessarily make a difference if the OP insists on what her ex should do - but personally I would not fall into a gender stereotype trap and let him take for granted that I would pick up all the responsibility myself. If OP assumes that childcare etc is her just problem, he certainly isn't likely to step up and take practical or financial responsibility. If she insists (with the help of a pushy lawyer) , maybe he won't, maybe he will step up and at least foot some of the bill. So I would think about asking a lawyer to give him the choice of either doing 3 months himself or pay full time nursery so I could work, or for maintenance. OP is on maternity leave for HIS baby so why should he not pay maintenance for her as well as CSA for the remaining months.

heyboo

Thanks all....him taking time off isn't an option as he's self employed.

I do have a 'leaflet' from work about childcare vouchers that I now need to read - they know I'll be using the scheme, I just need to get my head around it (possibly not a job for today).

I'm (unfortunately) familiar with the CSA as that's how he pays his DD's mother...he's had a rubbish year so with the 10% I'd get it really wouldn't go far - not even 3 days' nursery.

Head is swimming a bit but I think for now the thing to do is not be bullied into leaving - it's mine and and DS's home as much as his, although in order to be close to some support I will need to move 'back home' (oh yippee...just what I thought I'd be doing in my late thirties!).

I do hope he b*ggers off somewhere for a few days though. I'm not some fragile little girl but cannot be doing with his belligerence and nastiness.

As for the person who said a crying baby may drive him away? He hasn't got up once in 7 months to DS so it's really not going to bother him

thorsoak

I would suggest that you make contact with the CSA sooner rather than later - although with stbx being self-employed, there may be difficulties.

Is it worth approaching your tenants, and telling them that your circumstances are changing unexpectedly and if they should want to give notice early, it would be helpful??? Having written this, I'm not certain that this is good advice or not.

heyboo

OK, feeling slightly calmer now.

I've looked at some numbers and basically to afford rent and childcare (and have not very much left over!) I'd need to return to work 4 days a week. It was always the plan to do 3 days max - it took a long time to have DS so we wanted for him to only be in nursery 3 days a week...although I realise I don't now have that luxury

My tenant's contract has 11 months to run on it...I could perhaps rent something else and then move into that place - then re-do the mortgage, try to get some paid off and then buy somewhere more suitable when put with the money from the sale of our current house. The letting agents have offered to carry out a free valuation so that may give me more of an idea

In the meantime....do I say to OH that I'm on maternity leave and he's not chucking DS and me out of our home (meaning I'd have longer with DS) - or do I cut my losses and go?

As well as being annoyed at his decision for the obvious reasons, he doesn't realise how hard I've had to work to make friends round here - he hasn't done much to help and so I've joined classes and groups and baby things - which I'll have to do all over again when I move - all he'll have to do is move around the corner! He also knows I'm financially vulnerable..I've only a few weeks of mat pay left and I think I need to give 8 weeks notice to go back to work before the agreed date.

I'll speak to HR once I've a clearer plan - they're such a set of gossips I don't want to do it any sooner!

Anyway - WWYD? Any thoughts / bright ideas / different angles that my fuddled brain isn't seeing?

x

heyboo

thorsoak wrote: »

I would suggest that you make contact with the CSA sooner rather than later - although with stbx being self-employed, there may be difficulties.

Is it worth approaching your tenants, and telling them that your circumstances are changing unexpectedly and if they should want to give notice early, it would be helpful??? Having written this, I'm not certain that this is good advice or not.

I'd rather not use the CSA unless he's being awkward.

I've already asked the agents if terminating the contract is an option...it's not and he's only been in for 4 weeks! I've been a tenant and it's not a nice thing to do anyway..

It's difficult as it's really unsuitable - I work from home and used to use the second bedroom as an office...that would need to be DS's room as main room wouldn't fit a bed + cot. I'm sure there's a good solution here, I just can't see it!

Also I've been on the TC calculator and I wouldn't get anything due to the amount I earned in 2012/13.

RAS

If your incoem changes drastically, I believe you can ask TC to re-assess based on this year's income?

re the tenancy

Have you or the letting agent secured the deposit and sent the tenant the prescribed information within the 30 day limit?

Treevo

OP - I wouldn't normally recommend this, but let him get drunk and try to goad you into an argument, then phone the police, have him arrested and removed and see a solicitor so he can't enter the house again. It'll be a temporary solution, but long enough for you to sort out what to do while waiting for your parents to come home.

Maybe you'll be able to move back in with them for a few months to get yourself sorted? Or until your tenant is gone? Normally, I'd advise people to keep a BTL property (especially when it's costing you less than a grand a year on a repayment mortgage!) but if you can't see yourself being able to afford it, then maybe you should consider getting rid? Having said that - if you can get through the next year, then you should be OK money-wise so you could keep it.

HPoirot

I wouldn't leave the house if I were you, it belongs to you both and whoever decides to leave the marriage will need to leave the house. If he won't leave then he can well try being nice and polite and look after his child. You need to be firm and stand your ground, don't let him walk all over you and get his own way in everything.

duchy

Treevo wrote: »

OP - I wouldn't normally recommend this, but let him get drunk and try to goad you into an argument, then phone the police, have him arrested and removed and see a solicitor so he can't enter the house again. It'll be a temporary solution, but long enough for you to sort out what to do while waiting for your parents to come home.
.

Well that would pretty much guarantee an acrimonious divorce . It's early days.....he may yet calm down and be reasonable -but the above would make sure it doesn't.

As he has family in the area -simply not leaving, not cooking etc for him may be enough for him to decide he'd be more comfortable short-term elsewhere. It's very early days people say and do really daft things in the first week or two when feelings are running high....but then commonsense and reason *sometimes* kick in.

I don't mean the OP should be a doormat -just that as they've been together a long time -wait and see what happens as it is possible he may realise he's been an idiot and start discussing the seperation reasonably.

(Also you talked about the OP selling up - but surely BOTH houses will be joint marital property ? )