Advice needed...marriage breakdown / baby / money!

heyboo

Hi

I'm an old poster but couldn't remember my details so on a new account.

After a sleepless night I could really do with some help on sorting out my life as I feel unable to put two coherent thoughts together right now

So...after quite a lot of arguing lately my husband of less than a year has 'made the decision' to end our marriage.

My situation is this..I'm on maternity leave with a 7 month old, my only child and stbx has another child from a previous relationship.

We own our house (mortgaged) and have lived in it for 3 years - he wants to sell it. There is some equity in it (mainly our deposit!).

I also own a place in my home town into which a tenant has just moved on a 12 month contract

We live in the small village he grew up in.

Last night, once he'd made his announcement (after another argument) he disappeared out for a few hours and came back drunk, being a complete d*ck....I asked him to leave me alone - he was being sneery, laughing in my face, nasty, mocking (he did get a glass of wine over his head for that).

He's refusing to leave the house - I know he doesn't have to but I cannot live like this until it's sold, especially with a baby.

I need to speak to work about going back early (I'm supposed to be off until next Feb), find somewhere to rent back in my hometown so I can be near my family.

I'm really worried about money...I won't qualify for any TC due to renting out (although it actually costs me money each month) - there's no way I can go back to my old job full time (60+ hours, lots of travelling - I've been offered a different job to go back to 3 days a week) after I've paid rent and childcare I'll be just covering bills.

Also I just want to be away from my stbx but if he won't go then I have to...but is this a silly thing to do?

I'm going round in circles trying to work out what to do and to get some control of the situation - help!

Gigglepig

So sorry to read this. I would look for legal advice. Hopefully when he has sobered up and calmed down, if you try mediation or counselling with a third party, he will be more reasonable.

Can he agree to stay with family until your tenant moves out, or at least until end of the maternity leave?

In light of you being on maternity leave I should imagine it would be reasonable for him to pay you maintenance as well as child maintenance for at least a few months until your maternity leave ends.

On a side note I would pass up on the wine and avoid childish and inappropriate behaviour like pouring wine on him - try not to escalate the conflict.

Some women can and do hold down long hours/travel jobs even with babies so don't immediately discount the idea, would your salary support a childminder if needs must?

Also, childcare isn't just hour problem. Would the father take additional paternity leave and be a full time carer for the baby he last 3 months of the leave period (he would need to give his employer 8 weeks notice) so you could go back to work full time and build up some savings?

marisco_2

I am really sorry to hear of your troubles. It must have come as a horrible shock to you when your husband announced he wants to end your marriage. So it is natural that you are reeling and finding it hard to think straight right now. My advice is to not to rush into anything. Look at all the options open to you and take your time to make a calm and considered decision about your future.

Try to keep things as calm as possible between you both. Not easy when your husband was being so unpleasant, but the last thing you want is for him to use any unwise action like throwing the wine over him against you. Remain the bigger person and don't rise to any goading. You will be able to walk away from all this with your head held high and that will help you long term.

happy35

Tax credits are not necessarily out of the question because you have another property, there is a lot of ifs and buts but is not an automatic disqualifier.

At the end of the 12 month period is there a chance you could go back and live in the house with your baby?

I wouldnt rush to make any decisions at the moment try and take some time to think of what is best for you, if you have to get away could you stay with friends or family for a few days to try and get things straight in your head?

Working long hours is hard but depending on childcare it can be done, is there any chance of finishing earlier in the day and then working from home in the evenings? etc

heyboo

I've asked him to stay somewhere else for a few days but he won't. My parents are out of the country at the moment so once they're back I could go and stay with them.

I agree, the wine was daft...I wasn't getting drunk by the way, it was the one I'd just poured. He was goading me and I bit...stupid.

The hours I was working could mean 5am starts and midnight finishes (not all the time, obviously)...not sure any childminders run those sorts of hours.

He's SE so paternity leave not an option - he wouldn't do it anyway - he's not really shown the most interest in DS (one of the sources of arguments).

Wondering whether to sell my flat as well or to move into it - not very fair on the tenant really and it's totally impractical with a baby - and my God, my cats.....so many casualties!

My heart's just breaking for DS...he doesn't deserve this not even one Christmas or birthday with his parents together.

Kayalana99

Sorry just wanted to put this in although I might be wrong are you sure you don't qualify for tax credits? I assume when you say its costing you money to rent that your paying a mortage on that to - as a business point of view if your getting £400 in and paying £400 out your income is zero...and thats how the tax credits people should view it...unless its actally something to do with how much you actally own of it ?

heyboo

The rent I receive is approx. £29 less than the mortgage each month. Then there's also maintenance fees, ground rent and insurance which comes to £750-800 a year.

However, the mortgage is a repayment one so the amount owed is decreasing each month...I've no idea how tax credits work.

Also, could someone tell me now to work out childcare vouchers? My muddled brain is struggling!

Say my nursery fees are £400 per month and I get the max vouchers from my employer for a 20% tax payer - what's the actual amount paid? I've tried to look online but all the calculators are for doing it via tax credits (which again I don't really get).

ETA - I'm not some evil BTLer...I let it out when I couldn't sell it in order to move to where stbx lived.

Thanks for the replies xx

Kayalana99

I think you should just give them a call, tell them your partner is leaving and was wondering if you'd be entitled to anything as you have another property you rent although you actally make a loss on the income you recieve from it. If nothing else they can just advise you on if you'd be entitlted.

Don't know much about childcare vouchers sorry, but def give them a call it might be a load of your mind as we get paid £170tc a month and we are on a joint wage of about £20k....with you on Mat leave I bet your not earning even £8k? Depending on how nice your job is? lol

You might be able to put off going back to work if you get this sorted & even if you do they will help you with childcare costs if your entitled. Its really worth the 10min or so phone call.

heyboo

OK, thanks. I just get SMP although I've had a couple of bonuses while I've been off and am due a few weeks' holiday pay too.

So next questions (actually an MSE one!)...as I changed our landline to a cheap one with no included calls (part of pregnancy MSE drive!) and my mobile costs 23p per minute for calls to 08 numbers...is there a landline number for tax credits

Gigglepig

I would put pressure on the father to either take additional paternity leave asap or pay for full time nursery or pay you the equivalent. If you are no longer a couple, he can't expect to dump all the responsibility for childcare on you - it is more than fair if he would be responsible for 3 months out of the 12 months total leave for the baby.

ETA - do you think there is any chance that Relate or other counselling could keep your marriage going or at least keep things amicable for the next few months, if you do end up living together as a couple a little longer? If lack of interest in the baby on his part is a problem, that could change if he stayed home on paternity leave for a few months, while you went back to work. Unusual for thr UK, but believe me in countries where fathers take a few months leave to do all the day to day care, they often end up being a lot more involved. Some times men feel side lined because the woman ends up being the 'expert' on the baby, and they don't get the same chance to spend time and work things out that the woman does due to leave not being shared.

I would also speak to your employer's HR department, say that you have had a "life event" and ask to join their childcare voucher scheme. I am not sure but think the employer would assess whether or not you were a higher or lower tax payer at the beginning of April 2013 and based on that, you could sign up for 55 pounds a week as a basic tax payer or 28 a week as a higher tax payer. There is a guide here on MSE; http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/childcare-vouchers

duchy

Yes- Google for "saynoto0870" and plug in the number and it'll give you a geographic one to use instead.

Frankly it is all very well telling the OP what her husband "should" do but he's obviously not co-operative at this point so isn't bothered about should -especially as the OP has stated he hasn't shown much interest in the baby.

Tempting as it may be to go to your parents - try to stick it out in your home -things WILL calm down and he may move out if you hold your ground(especially if he's not getting much sleep with a baby in the house )