Mr and Mrs K's New Journey to a Debt Free Life.

Granariesgirl

Hi Alex & co!
:wave:

littlegreenparrot wrote: »

The issue around Mrs K's stuff is tricky. As someone who has been in a similar situation with my partner, I didn't/wouldn't.
If it has been run up without my knowledge, when I haven't benefited from it, I will not help repay. I will be supportive, make suggestions, be encouraging, but no money. For me it is about taking responsibility for ones actions, and not being taken advantage of. I do not scrimp and save, have two jobs etc for it to be frittered away.
(I know others disagree, and that's fine. Some mental health issues involve periods of significant lack of self control. Someone has to have money left. I learnt a long time ago the only person who will always be there is oneself)

I totally agree with LGP - YOU ran up the debt, so it is totally out of order to expect her to sell her stuff to get you out of the doo-doo. If at any point she DOES decide to help you out, it should be seen as a bonus & NOT expected of her!
In her shoes I would be waiting to see if YOU were serious & really sorting yourself out or just going through the motions, before I pawned my baubles & listed my Louboutins (Louboutins, I wish!)...

Kantankrus_Mare wrote: »

Agree totally on the facebook thing. Think a lot of people just are not aware of the damage it can do. It just doesn't give you a rounded view of someone's life and can really feed peoples feelings of self doubt.

Interesting article that a friend shared on FB (it's not ALL bad!) which seems to sum up part of your problem, Alex:
http://www.waitbutwhy.com/2013/09/why-generation-y-yuppies-are-unhappy.html

AlexLK wrote: »

In order to keep what I hold so dear I must not lapse into my old ways: no drinking to excess, buying to excess, collecting or refusing medical help. No more debts or lying. No more mistakes, this is no longer the dress rehearsal IT'S THE REAL THING.

OK Alex, you need to print that out & stick it somewhere in your home where you will see it several times a day. You need to put it as your mobile phone wallpaper, in your wallet...
I think your lightbulb was still flickering before but I hope that this means it is well & truly on now.

As for not being ready for it - are we ever REALLY ready for anything? Hands up everyone who was ready for parenthood, all the paperwork that came with adulthood, the fact of their parents growing old & dying!
Well, I don't know about you lot in MSEland but my hands were well & truly down for that question! :rotfl:

AlexLK wrote: »

She no longer seems to care believing I make "excuse after excuse, before giving her a glimmer of hope I will only shatter in a matter of days"

Sweetie, if she didn't care, SHE WOULDN'T BE THERE!!!! She is probably putting up an emotional shield so SHE doesn't shatter & die inside if you aren't serious about getting yourself sorted: she needs to do this to survive.
She has been through an awful lot too, she thought it was bad & then found things were far worse with the lying & hidden debts.

NOW STOP THE PITYFEST & GET A GRIP!

Don't SAY sorry, DO better!

AlexLK wrote: »

This is the beginning of the end of my marriage, all for one stupid mistake yesterday.

No, Alex, it's more like the Nth "straw" that is straining the camel's back to breaking point... the next one might break it completely.
Now start taking the "straws" (irresponsible spending, too much stuff & not enough money etc.) away one by one: your marriage can survive but it will be fragile for a while even when most of the "straws" are gone, just like a badly strained camel's back!

My advice for the day:
1) Think about asking your parents to set up a trust so you CAN'T fritter away the money & make sure that something is left for LK Junior to inherit.
Explain your worries to them & ask for advice on money management (they seem to be pretty damn good at it).

DO NOT ACCEPT FINANCIAL HELP FROM THEM or you will never cure your problem.

This way would also be a way of showing them that you are conscious of your financial bulimia & are SERIOUSLY trying to do something about it.

2) Look at all your possessions.
Ask "Are they really NECESSARY to my life?"
Ask are they MORE important to me than my family & my marriage?
If they are neither of the above, sell them to clear your debt.
The bonus is that you will be decluttering your life too! Start with the big stuff like that MG bonnet - that way you get to keep some of your smaller beloved pens & watches a little longer... & maybe if you sell the other stuff well enough to clear the debts & have an emergency fund, FOREVER!

When you waver, ask yourself if you'll be happier ALONE, surrounded by this stuff or WITH your family, debt-free in an emptier house. :think:

I confess I have some beautiful (& valuable) things my parents left me & they are not necessary to my life but they make my heart sing every day when I look at or use them. Ditto what I & my OH have bought together - but when hearts no longer sing, selling is the thing!

Anything that stays up in the loft for a year or does nothing for me anymore goes to the Auction rooms, Gumtree or the Car Boot (depending on quality) & has paid for a family ski holiday, computer, cheapo car etc...

I have to confess that there's still some cr@# up in the loft but we're down to 20% of what WAS there & some of it is what we brought from France!

Would my "ancestors" & parents be upset at what I did with some of their treasured possessions? Probably, but so far they haven't come back to haunt me! :cool:

:TNow get moving Alex - YOU CAN DO IT!!!:T

patanne

I have a friend in the car business. You know what they say it isn't what you know it's who you know. His recommendation for the bonnet is either contact the MG owners club or advertise in a specialist sports car magazine. He has said (can't guarantee the truth of this of course) that these bonnets just don't exist. So, if it is in good condition, they could be snatching your hand off. So why not have a try? Good luck! If nothing else it will show Mrs K that you are serious and that must be good.

snookey

Alex you share my dd birthday. An expensive time for us as we try to make sure she does not miss out. I bet your parents were the same.

fc123

AlexLK wrote: »

:rotfl:




LOL Mrs. K. likes watching the hoarding programs, she says it is me in ten years time ... I told her not to be silly as I'd at least do it in style. Seriously though I do realise some things have got to go.

I have quite wanted to get into the antiques business for a while, up here it is all very popular, we get tourists come to Matlock (goodness knows why).

The bonnet is a bit of an odd one, I used to have a MGB (before I met Mrs. K.) and I wanted to put a MGC bonnet on the car but bought the bonnet and sold the car in a matter of days. I'm not attached to it though, it's got to go.

Maybe you should watch one. Went on the website, and whilst I haven't seem many, I do remember this one LINK

It is telly and they don't go into too much depth in terms of finances and debts, more the 'shock' of the home (for the viewers benefit) and then why they do it and their struggle to overcome it. The one I have linked to seemed to be a guy who had inherited as it isn't clear how he had earnt so much to buy such an expensive house and I am sure he lived off inheritance or trust fund.

LannieDuck wrote: »

I think you have a shopping addiction. I've just done a little google, and a couple of articles popped up which seem to describe you relatively well (although some are American sites):

http://www.theguardian.com/sustainable-business/how-to-cure-shopping-addiction
/

That Guardian article is great.
Quote from it below. There is a link in it to the 'Mindfulness' website

Six self-confessed shopping addicts volunteered to learn mindfulness over an eight week period, and the changes in them were extraordinary. They experienced lessening of depression and anxiety that had driven them to shop, and reported feeling happier and more accepting of themselves.
Crucially, participants seemed to have a greater sense of who they are, and what they really needed on psychological and material levels.

They also reported feeling stronger, more able to understand the triggers for shopping urges, and to choose moment by moment whether they would indulge those urges.
While the research offers a compelling argument for more widespread use of the practice of mindfulness in reducing shopping addiction, it is also important to consider whether the changes would last.

Three months after the end of the mindfulness course, depression and shopping levels among those who attended the training had relapsed slightly, but not to the levels at the beginning. So although these results are positive and encouraging, wider social and cultural changes are clearly needed to support individual efforts

...and print out Granariesgirl post so you have quick access whenever you are ever tempted

fc123

patanne wrote: »

I have a friend in the car business. You know what they say it isn't what you know it's who you know. His recommendation for the bonnet is either contact the MG owners club or advertise in a specialist sports car magazine. He has said (can't guarantee the truth of this of course) that these bonnets just don't exist. So, if it is in good condition, they could be snatching your hand off. So why not have a try? Good luck! If nothing else it will show Mrs K that you are serious and that must be good.

I will bet that Alex could convert a load of stuff he wouldn't even miss, wipe out the debt and have spare.

Maybe the starting point is outing the stuff you can let go of without stressing...use it as practise.....then move on to sort the stuff you love but can't use (as no space) like the 3 chairs in the garage.;)

AlexLK

Well had a wonderful afternoon, yes it rained, yes we sat in the back of my LR eating a picnic (try doing that in your £70,000 Porsche )! Went to see parents this afternoon too, father has got to go to hospital tomorrow so just went to wish him well.

In response:

HBS: Thank you for the tips and there are MORE of you who bake, ! The only time I've ever had homemade cakes is from a local cafe.

Lannie: I don't suppose it is really and yes, we needed to do it at some point anyway.

C-R: Thank you, it is nice, really. Well, it's superficially nice, as it needs work (which I can't afford). Fingers crossed on your PPI claim. I've never had it but I'm sure there are other things that could be found in this house.

Aamberle: :rotfl: and thank you for such a nice, encouraging post.

Wegle: I just couldn't imagine not having a lot of "things" around me, that is all. I've always had a lot of "things" from even when I was a child. There are quite a lot of old toys at my parents house that were once mine, not of my generation but toys from the early twentieth century which I collected as a child, all boxed and in nice condition. Yes, I was that kid who liked to look at things and then put them back in the box, we went to a lot of antiques fairs as my parents collect quite a few things also. So, I did not mean so "little" as in I deem what one has to be proportional to the value of a person.

DFW321: Mrs. K. And I have began to write a list of "things" in the house and garage that are worth money. And ought to start being put on eBay.

Granaries Girl: Wow, thank you for such a wonderful post, first of all.

I don't suppose I do expect my wife to sell her things, she said she would in the beginning so I just felt a little betrayed.

Mrs. K. Read over that diary entry and laughed "who do you think you are?" *sneer*. She thought it "melodramatic" .... . I hope the light bulb is on and it will continue to stay on. Well, no I can't say I was ready for any of it ... Erm, I still don't think I'm ready to "grow up"...

My wife is the kind of person who can get through anything but I do know I have gave her a hard time. That is something I am most certainly ashamed about.

Patanne: That is correct, MG butchered the C bonnet tooling to make the RV8 bonnet after pressing off a final 1000 (IIRC). OK I'll take my anorak off now .... . I have somebody who would be itching to buy it but yes MGOC / MGCC would be a good port of call also.

Snookey: I was a bit of a spoiled child I will admit ... I remember HATING the fact EVERYBODY celebrated Jesus' birthday and comparatively very, very few celebrated mine with me when I was a child. :rotfl: Fortunately, I can laugh about that now.


fc: If that is the hoarding programme I am thinking of (the very, very shocking one) then that turned my stomach.

I have had a look at all the articles , thank you to everybody that has posted them.

Going to make a few phone calls to people I know in the classic car world ... Mrs. K. Isn't budging on getting rid of her car stuff though ... Apparently the first thing we are to buy when all this sorry mess is over is another car for her! Well, that's me told ....

---

Sorry if this post is a bit incoherent.

wegle

Great to see you back to positive posting Alex. Remember how it feels right now, how good it feels having spent a lovely day with your family even if it was raining! Next time your tempted to overspend or withdraw into pity, remember this feeling, how much potential there is on the horizon, these are the moments that will get you through.

Re Mrs K's belongings, I've got to agree that if it was me I would be extremely upset if I was expected to part with my possessions for someone else's mistake, especially if it felt that other person wasn't really that willing to help themselves. Prove to her that you can do this, she's already on your side with support and sticking with you, she just needs a bit of positive reinforcement from you so she knows she's making the right choices.

wegle

Just on the things as well, I didn't take it that you thought people with less things were of a lesser value, but was trying to put across that the amount of things or the value of things does not make your life anymore fulfilling or unfulfilling. You have a lot more things than I do that are worth a lot of money, but we both still have a roof over our head and a partner that loves us. The things are not increasing your chances of happiness just as they are not reducing mine.

Sorry that's really garbled and I've probably still not got my point across. The basic premis is I would be happier living in a cardboard box with Mr wegle and doggy wegle than I would in a mansion with only £1000s worth of things. And you will be no less happy with a few less things or things of a lower monetary value.

AlexLK

wegle: Thanks, yes I do need these moments to get me through. I just hope they are enough.

I do also understand where my wife is coming from. Though it's difficult I should try and take some comfort in the fact she is still here; in all honesty with everything that has happened during our marriage I'm not sure I would have been able to put up with me.

ETA: Thank you for the clarification.

You are right about true happiness; today I was happy with my wife and son in the pouring rain, away from any reminders of the past and of my stupidity. Mrs. K. said she wished I was that person all the time and so do I.

LannieDuck

AlexLK wrote: »

Snookey: I was a bit of a spoiled child I will admit ... I remember HATING the fact EVERYBODY celebrated Jesus' birthday and comparatively very, very few celebrated mine with me when I was a child. :rotfl: Fortunately, I can laugh about that now.

lol! :rotfl: