Mr and Mrs K's New Journey to a Debt Free Life.

7roland8

Alex - didn't mean to make you feel unworthy.

I think we all feel we have got to know you slightly after following your posts. Its just discouraging sometimes when you appear to be a 'glass half empty' kind of guy rather than the upbeat one we have also seem.

Any situation can be seen as either positive or negative - its just up to you to flip it so that you see the positive.

What we mean is that you have a lot going for you - if you focused on the positives and not always searching for the negatives.

Try and stop any negative thoughts when you notice them and switch to a happy thought - do not dwell on the negative - just see it as a thought and let it float away.

Ali-OK

I have lurked from the beginning and wanted you to know you're not alone in not being or feeling good enough in your mother's eyes. Counselling is the way forward, do stick with that - but then so is distance from them but I suspect that is impossible to do.

For me, having rich parents and a mother whereby I could never meet her expectations in any shape or form, led to driving myself into the ground. A senior job to earn great money, a large house, the new car and then a child. Was I happy? No, I was mentally exhausted because she still didn't have anything positive to say to me or about me.

But you know what, a year in counselling, leaving my job, doing things that made me happy and realising I wasn't a bad person (she is the toxic one) has transformed me.

Your mortgage of £700 is not huge to be honest. Mine (when I get it back on track next month with repayment) is £1045. On an average income of £2,320 per month. I have 2 cars (they're my passion too) and a 13 year old son. £320 of that is from DS's father which will stop in a few short years. I may have to downsize but I know who my friends are - they like me for me, not for what I have got or for where I've come from.

I went into debt after I left work and started up on my own self employed - not dissimilar to you in a way. The irony is my mother needs me so much more now than I need her due to her health. She plays to my tune now - in a good way. I will never be what she wants me to be, but she finally seemed to accept that I am what I am when I got on with living for me and not for her. Mothers like this can mellow with age too, here's hoping.

Believing in yourself is not an overnight transformation, it takes time and strategy and making decisions of strength. This will come.

I understand the car mats I did this too. But I am going to sell the sports car in the Spring, complete with matching mats. :rotfl:

Hang onto to how far you have come and I'll carry on lurking. Just wanted to provide a bit of 'I do understand'.

patanne

What Ali-OK said. As for mini K, he obviously adores you. As I am sure I have said before, you are the only one that can change that, so make it your life's work not to. All you have to do is be there for him. Just you! No throwing money at him, no judging him (especially finding him wanting)! So this is your latest challenge - in my book you are easily up for it!

chevalier

Alex (sigh). We have all been on your case, and I am not going to disagree with other posters.
Even at our absolute best my and OH didn't earn your current salary. And I would agree with you that yes it 'can' be a squeeze at times.

However I am worried you are working yourself up into a standstill at the moment, which is not good for you or your debt busting. It almost seems to me that you have gone 'look I can debt bust if I want to', but that now you have shown some action on this front, it seems ok for you now to coast a bit.

Thing is Alex this journey was always more than 'just' paying the debt off. If it was only about the money you would have sold off a dozen pens/watches/ antiques/car parts and have been done with it in a few weeks. You wouldn't have learned nearly as much about yourself or life in general, but it would have been done.

No the real point of this exercise was to save your marriage. At least that is how I saw it. Don't be fooled, you are still being measured and weighed. You NEED to keep up the debt busting so your dear lady can see you really mean it this time.

You have paid off a third of your debt, but still have a way to go. You are saying how hard the first 90 days are, but for some it would have taken 90 weeks to pay off the same amount.

You have 24k or there abouts to go. You could be debt free by Easter. But that isn't the end of the journey is it. You then probably want to save for the building repairs too. So maybe another 24k. How about having that by next Christmas? Wouldn't that be cool. You are I think the only person who has come on here, and who has that ability to make that much headway, 'just' by selling a few things.

I know that if you do this, your OH will be so proud and impressed. You stuck to it, you didn't drift.

Now about your little K. I really really HATE how you assume that he will 'find you out' and then he will hate you and want nothing to do with you. !!!!!!? really? So you are a bit dopey about money, a bit dreamy maybe? Did it ever occur to you that he might be like that too, and will appreciate a parent who 'gets' him (no disrespect to Mrs K intended). He will love you warts and all.

My dad and I had a very difficult relationship. Sometimes I really didn't like him very much, but I loved him till he died. He just wouldn't let me show it, wouldn't talk about it. Shut all that need to be said away. I am still hurt about that. But I still loved him even so. The bond of family can be a powerful thing. So please DON'T BORROW TROUBLE!
Chev

cocalls

Sending you positive vibes Alex you can do this.
(and £3800 coming in a month is a decent amount for a family of 3)

HOK3Y

You know, this type of thing is why I rarely come here anymore. Bit of background, my ex brought home about £9,000 per month. I was a stay home mum for a decade. My current hubby and I bring in about £3200 between us. Our rent is £825 per month, our council tax is £189. Would I ever dare stand here and say our income is terrible? Heck no - I fully realize that there are some amazing people here, earning far less, raising families, and paying off debt. I have maximum respect for them and I know that £3200 a month is pretty darn respectable. I once owned $150k of jewellery - no more. Do I complain? Do I resent having to get rid of it? My God, wake up and shake yourself. I am sorry if I appear rude but I am a pretty positive person and yet I feel reduced to frustration, flat out annoyance, and a level of disgust. I don't think you grasp how offensive some of your comments and notions are.

And with that, I am signing out. All the best to you, Mrs K and little K - truly. I hope you have some real clarity of mind soon.

littlegreenparrot

Sorry, I didn't make myself very clear

"We struggled terribly on £2750 but we have a mortgage of just over £700 to start with. When we bought the house we were earning close to twice that amount, so was not a stretch then. It was meant to be a starter house, something we could move out of and upgrade to somewhere better within a couple of years, well that didn't happen.

As for my attachment to material possessions, I've had a miserable life, nobody has ever wanted me and I'm a failure, so there you go. I buy things because I'm not good enough."

This is what I was getting at when I suggessted you seem to judge people (and yourself) by things. You don't feel good about yourself, new shiny things make you feel better. Your not confident that people love you, so you buy them things. Lots of people do this, which is why I was just trying to point out a thought pattern and suggest you think about it/take it to counselling. If you think I have misunderstood, then fair enough.

It was in response to seeing on Thursdays expenses £30 stationary, and £80 clothing for son. I wouldn't notice (or care) what paper someone used, but it seems you think people do. Unless little k needed a substantial pair of shoes £80 is a lot of money on 3 year olds clothing. They ruin it/grow out of it in a few months anyway, would anyone notice if it had been bought at sainsbugs on 25% off? It implies a belief that people are judging, including yourself, on how much money has been spent (cut the labels out and no-one will notice).

Can I ask what exactly is wrong with the house?

EchoDelta

Just a thought - what does being "well off" look like to you? (don't feel you have to answer!)

For me it's being able to feed and clothe us, a roof, heat and light without having to stress about the bills too much, being able to save for the future, occasional treats and trips, not having to panic or resort to pdl companies if the car/boiler breaks.

From what you say a comfortable life is soooooo within your reach.

Also, what would it take to convince you that you are better off than the vast majority of the population? Even with the stats right there you have a "get out clause" of a tax fiddle rather than accepting that, yes, you are not in fact poor!

Hope that you are feeling more positive today. Don't let one crappy feeling weekend derail you.

Ali-OK

Having debated whether to post this and obviously I can't speak for Alex, I'm going to throw my two penneth in again anyway

- Into adulthood we want to make our parents proud of us, we achieve things we are pleased and proud of - but a negative parent means the bar is raised higher and they consistently find fault. It is exasperating. It digs deeper into the psyche and we tell ourselves we must do more, or we must have more - trying to show that negative parent that actually we are rather good but never getting that acknowledgement. Longing for the day they say 'I am proud of you' yet it never comes. Mine still hasn't :rotfl: I don't expect it to either! I could tell you a story or two that would have you :eek: and :mad: . It is also a very big thing to see your parent for what they really are. I love my Mum but I don't like her. Understanding why she is like that, what went on for her to become that is usually also a revelation that you end up being able to work with.

- How we are brought up lives with us into adulthood from where we shop, who we mix with, the quality of wine at the dinner party etc. Keeping up with the Jones' becomes keeping up with that social circle, high level colleagues and other family/parents - who's expectations get bigger and comments harsher. The negative parent will try to run (and ruin) your life. They want you to live your life through them alot of the time.

- The path to debt freedom is so often about down-shifting brands. High end stuff and the gap between that and low end is much bigger. Remember Alex paid £35 for a bottle of wine recently - he was berated by some about the cost, yet to Alex, this was quite a saving on what he'd normally pay. He has more baby steps downwards to take than many of us because of where his start point was, which came from the background.

I'll be honest. I ran up my first lot of debt back in 2005 through 'keeping up'. I had a monthly income of £3,500 from the job I did. I joined MSE at the time I took a step down a level at work because I couldn't carry on with the stress and my income reduced to £2800. Still loads, but you have to weigh where you're coming from to where you are going and it's not so easy to compare to the majority of incomes in these cases. I was so not going to shop in Lidl at that time :rotfl: Call me a snob back then if you like, now I'm Aldi girl and proud . If my mum wants to come to lunch, she'll have an Aldi roast dinner or not eat. It's simple

There are added complications when parents know about debt in this sort of situation. The pressure and disappointment, from an already negative mother, is indescribable to be honest. The negative parent has an even further grip on you.

Counselling should lead to turning things around and learning to manage the negative parent so they no longer damage you and you also start to become immune to certain things they say and do, as well as having to make decisions and stand up to how they also treat the grandchild. It doesn't have to mean arguments at all - recognising we are an adult and no longer that child they can batter mentally at will is a light bulb moment of its own and the downshift in brands are bigger and will take more time.

Getting from A to B is still going to involve doing the things (like buying stuff) that make the unhappy person happy. They'll get smaller, cheaper and less frequent.

I hope I've not spoken out of turn and shed a little bit of light on how it maybe and why it's like that.

Definitely back to lurkdom now!

AlexLK

Thank you everybody, I will respond to each of you later tonight. I have not been in a good state of mind these past few days, so apologise for anything said out of turn.

I've got a lot to think about, Mrs. K. is having a week away.