Mr and Mrs K's New Journey to a Debt Free Life.

AlexLK

mrsscattercushion wrote: »

Alex, will come out of lurker mode, as have read virtually all this diary today....just as an outsider your life appears a real rollercoaster of emotions/thoughts/trying to be what other people feel you should be....you are not a bad person, with a bad lifestyle and you are not a failure....however, you do have some "vitality vampires" around you, like your mother, who do their best to reinforce these messages to you, which are easy to buy into.

Your income...it all depends what you are comparing to whether you think you are on "a relatively low income" or "poverty"...remember though that your parents have said themselves they weren't any better off than you are now when they were younger....so they cannot be in much of a position to judge ;-) ...compared to some, that isn't a vast amount of money....compared to probably the majority of people on here, that is a lot...many a SOA I see on here are for people with incomes, joint or singular, under £1500 a month, with similar outcomings/normal expenditure to you....

Thank you for your encouraging post, I realise this reply will not be particularly coherent but I am grateful for your reply.

Well, I only earn £1450 out of the £3800, so without my wife I really would have very little in the way of income.

mrsscattercushion wrote: »

Comments about people on a low income on a tax scam are also not going to win you many friends though, so I would think about how you may come across...

I did not mean all, just some as I know some very wealthy people who on paper appear not to be.

mrsscattercushion wrote: »

You have done amazing...when my DH had his "lightbulb moment" at £20K of debt, it has taken us nearly 6 years to get to the point he (and we) are debt-free, aside from out mortgage ~ you've done most of that within less than 6 months ~ so that doesn't make you a failure

I'm glad you are in counselling and would urge you to use it to the full advantage as you do have so much positive and worthwhile going for you and around you, yet you are obviously struggling to see this some days ~ if you are going to judge yourself by your "possessions", think about this:-
* you have a home over your head (not just a "house", it is where your family live now, so whatever it is or looks like, it is yours and a place where memories can be made)

Mrs. K. sees the house like this, I don't. It's actually a very nice house for the price we paid and would be worth quite a lot more if we ever can afford to have the worth done that it needs.

mrsscattercushion wrote: »

* you own 4 cars ~ not so much of a "failure" that you can afford to have and run these

Soon to be five. None of the cars are expensive, one will be gone by April next year as that was the whole purpose.

mrsscattercushion wrote: »

* you have a range of talents ~ restoring furniture, music etc ~ all things that not only can earn you some money but can give you and others pleasure from this, either by the gift of teaching someone else, or the enjoyment that becoming lost in a piece of music can give....

This is a blessing or a curse depending on how one looks at it. I am convinced that these so called "talents" are some of the reason I failed to cope in a corporate environment.

mrsscattercushion wrote: »

*your DS sounds delightful and doing so well

Thank you.

mrsscattercushion wrote: »

You have much going on for you ~ if I may, I'd also suggest listening to your dad a bit more, as he obviously is more positive about what you are doing and what you are trying to achieve, unfortunately in my line of work, I see the damage a poor mother relationship can do from one that sounds quite cold and critical rather than emotionally supportive ~ makes me wonder what she herself is so frightened of, but that is another matter....

Happiness and success doesn't have to be equated to things, objects, having wealth etc ~ it is those special times with your family, the wonderful times you describe with your son...you can have all those things and on that income, have the potential to have many of the "material" things you wish too...it is all about balance and deciding, for yourself, where your priorities lie and what gives you the most happiness

I wish you well on the journey...you've made massive progress, think, you can paid everything off and be on the road to your new journey within a few months.....not the 6 years of slog we've had ;-) it is worth biting the bullet for a short time to get the end goal....now go and set yourself the ones that will work best for you, not what others think you should have....

Thank you, I hope I can pull myself together and find the motivation for becoming debt free again.

AlexLK

slowlyfading wrote: »

I meant more that you have parents in the position that they can do that for you, and are willing to - not the sign of a couple who don't care about you

If you really did struggle terribly, then you need to ask yourself why. Our mortgage is £620, our joint income is less than the figure you posted, yet we manage and always have left over to save/overpay our mortgage. You need to look at where your money goes (I'm sure you know this already) and if buying all the things you own have really made you any happier.

Your parents don't want you? Really? Miserable life? Really? I don't understand why you think you're a failure; you have a lovely little boy for a start, who will worship the ground you walk on. You have your own house, your cars, etc., and all these things are not in the hands of someone who has failed at life. Does buying things make you feel better in the long run? Honestly? You are good enough, you just need to start looking at what you do have, not what you don't.

Keep plodding, the sense of achievement you will feel when you are debt free will be amazing.

Sorry, I understand now and thank you for your post.

In regard to looking where our money goes, I did this when I started this diary and was doing so well. I actually worked out we could live on about £2,000 per month, unfortunately what we "could" manage on paper was different in reality. All because I can't help myself. Yep, rather embarrassing to admit.

I acknowledge I have been gifted with a wonderful little boy who is my world. However, he will realise who I am as he grows up much to his disappointment. I can only hope he will want me in his life when he is old enough to decide.

There is still a part of me looking forward to being debt free - I have not completely fallen off the wagon for I still want to achieve the end result.

maddiemay wrote: »

Alex, there are things that I could say to encourage you and things I could chastise you for, but others have done so, probably more eloquently.

So .........., tomorrow is another day and the start of another week, dust yourself off, mentally run through ALL the things that you have achieved since you signed up here and start afresh.

Most of your problems seem to be a result of your lack of value of yourself as a person, a husband, a father etc., but you have had 30 something years of this type of thought and it is unrealistic for you or anyone else to expect this to change overnight. Just keep plodding in the right direction and try to occupy your mind with anything other than material possessions they are NOT the answer, whatever your inner demon tells you. Read, research and learn new musical pieces, do crosswords or Sudoku, the only way in my experience to banish destructive thoughts is to keep your mind and body occupied with other things. Good luck.

Maddiemay: Thank you so very much for this post. So tempted to write "tomorrow is another day" and stick it in my office! :rotfl:

Occupying my mind with other things has worked before and considering I'd promised my wife I'd learn how to make a website for the music teaching that is what I should be doing. So the other note to write should be "get off eBay, car 'sites DO NOT go out of the house and do something productive instead". :rotfl:

mrsscattercushion

You will do, everyone has their good days and the days where they say s*d it and have a duvet day, or pen day ;-) like someone else said, new week new focus etc, it could be a lot worse!

It can be really hard having a mismatch of income, my DH probably brings home similar to you, whereas I can earn double he can....it is hard if you are not used to it, but many families just have the £1400 to live on...I think we just adjust to whatever the income we have is...lord knows how I managed on about £40 a week as a student but I did (oh for the days of £20 a week rent).

Sometimes I think DH struggles that I earn more than him, esp as I had to do a lot of the providing whilst he paid his debts off (his choice, all of it acquired prior to us getting together) ~ he feels he should be the breadwinner....however, I remind him of everything else that he does which isn't about earning or a financial amount....the household chores, for you bringing up your son etc ~ priceless that money cannot buy ~ you are more than just the money you provide....it does help if you and Mrs K can talk about these things, to see if there is a problem, or just one you perceive....money can still be a prickly subject in our house but we know that the only way to succeed is for us both to be on the same path...

This is a difficult time of year re finances, all the pressures, expectations, digs and comments others make about what "should" make a good Xmas, the people putting themselves into debt to try and buy" the ""Xmas...also a good time to think ahead, think where you can cut more costs....just this weekend I shopped around instead of just renewing our house insurance, and saved £400...worth relooking at your SOA and seeing if you can get yourself a better deal on any utilities....I used to be the loyal customer ~ no more

Hope you get a good night's sleep and feel better for the week ahead...

mrsscattercushion

PS the corporate environment isn't the only one...so that one didn't suit your talents or skills, there are other ones that do and if they pay a living too that you enjoy, so much the better.....doing what you enjoy and keeps you sane and healthy is far better than anything else (says the person who for the first time in 18 years is debating whether the money my job brings in is worth the stress and hassle.....)

I work with children...I can tell you for certain that the most important things your son will look for in his father is someone who provides, love, trust, security and unconditional love....with those things, kids will thrive...it isn't about the money you have in the bank, the cars on the drive...he'll care about the father who plays with him, who is around to take an interest in his hobbies and adventures, who is a listening ear and who cares.....nothing else really matters...

AlexLK

mrsscattercushion wrote: »

You will do, everyone has their good days and the days where they say s*d it and have a duvet day, or pen day ;-) like someone else said, new week new focus etc, it could be a lot worse!

It can be really hard having a mismatch of income, my DH probably brings home similar to you, whereas I can earn double he can....it is hard if you are not used to it, but many families just have the £1400 to live on...I think we just adjust to whatever the income we have is...lord knows how I managed on about £40 a week as a student but I did (oh for the days of £20 a week rent).

mrsscattercushion wrote: »

Sometimes I think DH struggles that I earn more than him, esp as I had to do a lot of the providing whilst he paid his debts off (his choice, all of it acquired prior to us getting together) ~ he feels he should be the breadwinner....however, I remind him of everything else that he does which isn't about earning or a financial amount....the household chores, for you bringing up your son etc ~ priceless that money cannot buy ~ you are more than just the money you provide....it does help if you and Mrs K can talk about these things, to see if there is a problem, or just one you perceive....money can still be a prickly subject in our house but we know that the only way to succeed is for us both to be on the same path...

This is a difficult time of year re finances, all the pressures, expectations, digs and comments others make about what "should" make a good Xmas, the people putting themselves into debt to try and buy" the ""Xmas...also a good time to think ahead, think where you can cut more costs....just this weekend I shopped around instead of just renewing our house insurance, and saved £400...worth relooking at your SOA and seeing if you can get yourself a better deal on any utilities....I used to be the loyal customer ~ no more

Hope you get a good night's sleep and feel better for the week ahead...

Thank you for this post. Yes, I'm going to try and draw a line under this week and start a fresh for tomorrow. Going to aim for a no spend day as I'm busy with work, so less time to think about things.

My earnings are rather complicated, I'm self employed and choose to re invest most of my profits. The low income is not a recent thing. However, I've previously been on a salary of over £60k.

gallygirl

AlexLK wrote: »

This is a blessing or a curse depending on how one looks at it. I am convinced that these so called "talents" are some of the reason I failed to cope in a corporate environment.

B o l l o c k s (ha, hope that gets through the filter :rotfl:). From what you've said you were good at the job, but it was the wrong job for you. That doesn't make you a failure. I can't do brain surgery or fly a plane. I don't see that as making me a failure. Neither am I remotely musical, can do any kind of furniture restoration (apart from bung a bit of material on a chair with a staple gun ) and my car mechanic skills extend to topping up oil and water. Again, I don't see that as making me a failure, though you might? It just means my skills lie in other directions. And just as soon as I've worked out what they are I'll be back to tell you .

Seriously, what matters at the end of the day is WHO you are, not WHAT you are. And who you are is a lot better than you think, as your dad, Mrs K and Little K will agree. We'll leave mum out of this as she is completely wrong. You are not a failure. So there. You can't even do that right :rotfl:. Now go and look at Little K asleep in his bed and give Mrs K a hug.

mrsscattercushion

What ^ she said !!!

heartbreak_star

Oh dear, if I was Mrs K. I'd probably have words on Christmas Day if you've spent loads.

Me and OH bring in about the amount you struggled on and we live pretty comfortably.

Come on Alex, buck up. Don't irritate Coach into putting the harsh hat on... :P

HBS x

PippiShortsock

Doing a website for your business sounds like an excellent idea. I suggest you purchase a domain name and pay for hosting rather than using a free hosting website which will limit your options and not allow you a unique URL.

I’m thinking of moving my sites to https://www.unlimitedwebhosting.co.uk which allows you to host multiple sites for one monthly fee – but it’s cheap even for just one site. There are lots of other web hosting services out though there so have a look around.

Then you might want to consider installing Wordpress for free, using the tools which come with the website. Wordpress was originally designed for blogs, but you can use the static pages it generates to design a fixed website advertising your services. It comes with hundreds of free themes (http://wordpress.org/themes/), so you can tailor the site to your own needs without learning how to code or buying extortionately expensive software, such as Dreamweaver. Some of the themes are also designed so your site works well on mobiles and tablets, which is important as that’s the only way some people access the web. There are loads of tutorials on Youtube for it. A lot of major companies as well as individuals are now using Wordpress because it’s free and so flexible. I bet you can set up something really stylish and unique with it.

I understand why you’re going off the boil with the debt busting – it’s really tedious after the initial challenge loses its sparkle. Perhaps you should try to shake up how you’re approaching budgeting. I’m getting on really well with YNAB (You Need a Budget) software. The software’s good, but it’s really the methodology behind it which works for me. It’s designed to stop you spending your income twice – each pound you earn can only be allocated to one thing so if you decide to buy a first edition book, for example, you’ll have to deduct the budget for it from another budgeted pot, such as nursery fees. It has a good smartphone app which means you can record what you’ve spent in a deli at lunch in about 10 seconds and your partner can do likewise, so you always know how much is left. But best of all, it encourages you to save for very specific things on a short-, medium- and long-term basis. So I’m not just budgeting for this month’s gas bill, I’m notionally putting aside £18 a month to pay the building insurance next September and I’m gradually accumulating a pot of money towards a holiday in Amsterdam. So when that short-term temptation to buy a bunch of tulips hits me, I can decide whether to spend then and there or keep the money to help fund a visit to the Rijksmuseum in 2015!

You know you’ll always lust after certain material possessions. Perhaps if you can allocate some of your income and sales to a pot for that purpose, you’ll be able to enjoy the anticipation of putting aside enough money to pay for it yourself rather than seek instant gratification with a credit card.

Mara_uk7

So youve bought her a car for Christmas! Thats gonna cost you a fortune in giftwrap !

Well done on the cutting back