Mr and Mrs K's New Journey to a Debt Free Life.

AmyandArthur

WAnted to say something about you feeling like a failure as a parent, worrying about your boy having what you feel is right for him. We were the poorest family in our street. Literally. My parents were gifted their house by a grandparent, but in reality we were living in a champagne neighbourhood on lemonade wages. I went to a fabulous grammar school, but never got to go on any ski-ing trips, exchange trips or anything. I wore hand-me-down uniforms, and imitation/knock off designer clothing from markets. I was the poor church mouse - luckily I was also quite popular and despite one girl having a pop at me for my crap clothes (just once mind, I pointed out her fat !!!! and she shut up) nobody cared that I wasn't minted. My school friends and I are now 45 years old, and none of them even remember me not going on those trips or having those clothes and 'stuff'. What they do remember is my Dad being 'the best Dad ever'. Who did they all come to when they wanted bikes fixing, fancy dress costumes making, advice on boyfriends etc etc etc .. My Dad. Their Dads were all bank managers, architects, asset managers, etc etc. My Dad grafted, hard manual labour, who probably earned at his peak a fifth of what theirs did. We drove around in bangers and holiday in the UK in a tent for years, me, my sister, my Mum and Dad. My Dad who was a manual worker, and unemployed for years at one point due to a workplace injury, who's daughters were on free school meals for a while etc. My lovely, lovely Dad (RIP) .. who didn't have a pot to !!!! in. Did we care, did we fk!

mum2one

AlexLK wrote: »

wegle: Thank you so very much for all of your responses. Mrs. K. thinks I should look into trying to get some help again for my anxiety and depression. However, I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to go through it all again. Currently, I feel utterly sick for how I have looked down on others in the past, I shouldn't have.

Other responses: My doctors in the past have said I ought to cut down on the amount I drink as it's not helping. One thing I am pleased with, the only positive to take from today - I had no wine with my dinner, just a glass of water.

Feeling so guilty to have let everybody down, especially when you have all taken time out of your own lives to respond to me.

Mrs K sounds a strong lady and one in a million, I would def see a different GP, as sometimes a fresh pair of eyes will give a different perspective on things,

We're all guilty for looking down on people, everyone does it, but the fact you can see you done it is a turn around, I've done it myself a 1001 times, I still do it now, although try not to but its a thing you do.

Your son is at the age where material things don't matter, he's more liable to have fun with a roll of paper and some crayons, or designing a car from a cardboard box.

When you have your light bulb moment, your changing your life, and its not an easy step, mine has taken my over 12 months and I still have a blip or 2, I find it so hard not having a credit card (I had 7), but budgeting has changed things around and I value things more.

Good that your close to your family, but its def worth looking at doing a carboot before the weather gets too bad, you'd be back in time for Sunday lunch, - but you might fall asleep on the kitchen table.

We're at the weekend now, - enjoy the weekend, enjoy the bottle of wine and congratulate yourself on the fact of the lightbulb moment, I would say if you weren't having any down points - there would be something wrong, xxx

AlexLK

mum2one: Thank you for your post and no need to be sorry for the length.

First of all, eeew IKEA; that is a swear work in my house, hahaha. And, I'd rather be poor than sell people that utter tosh.

I really don't know what to say about your situation, all I can say is the actions of men like your ex really make my blood boil at the best of times for various reasons.

I am beginning to wonder if going to the GP (perhaps a different one) may be a good idea. It has dawned on me that wanting to lock myself away inside the house and not talk to anybody except for my immediate family is not entirely "normal" behaviour. Funnily enough it's taken writing it down to make me realise that.

AmyandArthur: I'm actually smiling at your response.

7roland8

AlexLK wrote: »

hahaha not me, no! And silver and diamond encrusted fountain pen you say ... Seriously, what did it make? Was it a well known manufacturer?

It was one he'd made himself - he's some up and coming designer chap. He wanted 4K but was only offered 2ish but left it go as he thinks the person who will receive it will give him exposure. Now every time I see an expensive pen I'll think of you!!

AlexLK

7roland8 wrote: »

It was one he'd made himself - he's some up and coming designer chap. He wanted 4K but was only offered 2ish but left it go as he thinks the person who will receive it will give him exposure. Now every time I see an expensive pen I'll think of you!!

hahaha, I'm flattered you think I have the kind of skills to make sure a thing .

AlexLK

AmyandArthur: Your Dad sounds like a wonderful man who helped many people during his lifetime, you should be proud of him. I do wonder if I'll be remembered as the WORSE Dad ever when my little boy grows up.

mum2one: thank you again. Mrs. K. is one in a million and I love her to pieces. I do not deserve her one bit. Know what you mean re. the credit cards, I find them very difficult to live without (it's been a while since I've been able to use them). However, hoping one day I'll never need one again.

Looking forward to sharing that bottle of wine with Mrs. K. tomorrow.

AmyandArthur

Why would you think you would be remembered as the worst Dad ever. You've not even lived those years yet. I know it's been mentioned before, but CBT would be really useful to you, so that you can identify those negative thoughts and feelings and have strategies to realise they're bonkers. BONKERS I tell you. You are worrying about stuff that's not happened, and is within your absolute power to never happen. It's completely controllable. We only need worry about those things we cannot control and which have already happened. And what people call 'worrying' about future things that 'might' be outside of our control, I call 'sensible planning', i.e. paying off debts, saving for retirement, school costs, petrol increases, etc.

btw - not meaning to sound like a know it all cow. I can just talk from experience. I've lived that life of believing I'm a piece of sh*t and surrounding myself with shiny things to make myself feel like I mattered. Several years of therapy later I finally learned to not live in the past, or worry constantly about the 'controllable' future. Learning from the past is a useful lifeskill, but living in the past is a total waste of life and energy. You don't drive looking all the time in the rear view mirror - you'll crash! Although I do occasionally slap myself around the head for having lived so many years worrying and dwelling in the past and beating myself up. That was time wasted Icould have spent smelling the roses and I was young, skinny and pretty ... omg, what a moron I was, when I think of the fun I could have had instead of wallowing in gloom, doom and debt.

Orange_Ena

Oi, don't knock Ikea! I love that place!! Especially the meatballs And they do have some cheap and cheerful stuff, ideal when on a budget cause you've spent all your money and more going on luxurious cruises, living the highlife without a care in the world........oops :rotfl:

Chin up mate, you're still a tenner up. And it is really early days in your debt busting adventures so DO NOT feel like you've failed.

Have a wonderful weekend spending time with your loved ones. I've got some flatpack to build :rotfl::D:p

Granariesgirl

AmyandArthur wrote: »

Alex - right, sunshine .. here's the facts. You chased work, it didn't work out. Sh*t happens, what you didn't do was buy a pen and a new pair of trousers to make yourself feel better. Success!
You started on your music lessons - Success. You enjoyed it and got paid for it - Double Success.
You had an evening out and are still TEN QUID UP. Success.
Tell me where the failures are again, I can't quite see them.
Remember, you didn't build your debt overnight - you won't get rid of it overnight. And like that diet I mentioned earlier, some days will just be sh*t. They just will be. Ride the waves buddy, some of them will tip you off, you swim to the surface, you ride the next one .. one of them will dump you right on the seashore where you can finally look back at the bumpy ride and say I BLOODY WELL DID IT - got wet, swallowed some water, nearly drowned a few times, but I stayed swimming and I did it! What I didn't do was give up and drift right back out to sea because I got fed up of getting a gob full of water a few times.
Keep on keeping on .. tomorrow you'll have that tenner to remind you that yesterday you didn't spend more than you earned.

Utterly brilliant post - have a beer! :beer:

wegle

Alex this is the perfect example where CBT would help you. Your immediate reaction to what happened tonight was "oh I'm a failure... I'm awful... I've let everyone down". Whereas what you should be saying is "I earned £50 tonight, to celebrate me and Mrs K went out for a meal, just to the local pub though, nothing extravagant. Bonus is we only spent £39 so I've straight away come home and paid £11 off my CC!!! Woo hoo! Go me! I'm gonna kick butt at this debt busting!!".

Can you see just by changing how you react to and behave following a certain scenario completely changes it? You started a new venture this evening and it was successful, that is a valid reason to treat yourself. You didn't go overboard and you still had money left over that this time last week you didn't think you would have. And any payment to your debt, no matter how small is a positive step in the right direction. Hell I made a payment of £2.75 off my credit card today and couldn't wait to get home to tell my husband so he could bask in my mighty glory!!!!!!!!!