Help needed

BrandNewStart

Hi guys I am beginning to feel more like looking at it. I am going to try to do it on Saturday afternoon when I have a block of time. Still scared though more of my feelings around it than anything else. My depression is quite near the surface right now - I am feeling awful most mornings - so I feel scared of not coping.

FalseEconomist

The important thing is you have noticed that you are feeling down so you can seek some help- whether you're in debt or not, depression can be treated and you can be helped (and obviously help yourself) to feel better. Contact your GP, local charities or your church (if that's your bag) and see what support they can offer you. I speak only from my own experience when I say ostrich behaviour around debt is as a much a symptom of depression as a cause of it (I used to have panic attacks at the thought of the cash point showing me my overdrawn balance and would put my hand over the screen if I had to take cash out).

Keep logging on here even if you don't feel like posting. Look after yourself.

BrandNewStart

Thank you FE. It means a lot to get an understanding response I am a long-term sufferer. Generally I manage it OK or so I think, but certain behaviours are not that healthy. Years ago I would run out of money and feel my head go red hot with the feeling of stress and panic and embarrassment. I totally empathise with you about cash machines - I still cannot bear to look at my balance when I get money out although I have a reasonably accurate ballpark idea of what it is.

Exercise really helps with the depression, but I do think that I get so entirely used to it that I am actually more down than I realise. I have a lot of thoughts about death and dying, life being pointless and so on. In between I try to keep busy so as not to have those thoughts. I am pretty high functioning and have a good job so am adept at fooling everybody and probably myself too.

FalseEconomist

BNS it's really important that you get a bit of help - frequent thoughts of death and dying are a red flag, even (or perhaps especially) for a long term sufferer of depression. Being high- functioning means that probably people around you won't notice you're down? Which makes it harder as you have to seek help for yourself. I'm lucky in that my OH is really familiar with my behaviour, and notices before I do that my depression is flaring up - before I had that, things would get pretty bad before anyone would notice and I would find myself making 'cries for help' which could have been serious.

Anyway, how has your day been? have managed to add to our debt to the tune of around 2000 pounds (college course), am not quite ready to 'fess up in my own diary yet

wegle

FalseEconomist is right, persistant suicidal thoughts need to be addressed asap. This doesn't mean you have to go to your GP or you have to start taking medicine, it can be as simple as phoning the samaritans. It's a bit scary the first time you do it but you soon realise how supportive and helpful they are. Also there may be a mental health crisis team in your primary care trust, you can also contact them anytime you are in crisis, and having suicidal thoughts is crisis.

I'm sure everyone on here has been through ostrich behaviour at some point along their journey so you are definitely not alone. However you've already lifted your head out of the sand by coming on here and posting. Baby steps is the way forward, they might only be small but they're heading in the right direction. xx

foxgloves

Years ago before the LBM, when my spending behaviour was atrocious & my budgeting non existent, I used to have a bit of an ostrich tendency too. I used to open bank statements.....the actual act of opening the envelope used to help me kid myself I was dealing with them! Then they went in the Bank Statement Drawer. My salary got paid into my bank account each month & not very far into the month, I'd be getting that horrible feeling when I used cashpoints. Would my card be spat out with that nasty little message 'You have insufficient funds'?........Would I try to pay for my shopping in front of a whole queue of people & have my card rejected? While I hated the stress of it, I still had a touch of the ostrich.....'If I don't look too closely at it, then next month, or maybe the one after that might be the month where it all comes together'. Only it doesn't! Because that would be the work of the Magical Money Fairies, & sadly they don't exist! As soon as I made myself knuckle down, get out all my statements, my accounts book (a book of blank pages, back then!) & my calculator, a big cafetiere & a packet of biscuits & set in for the long haul, I actually used to feel the stress start to drain away. Yes, even if the findings were bad, it made me feel so much more in control to know. None of these revelatory feelings of being in control of money actually led to my full proper LBM......had to wait for a good few years for that, plus pick up a similarly indebted husband along the way, but I did eventually have it. It was scary putting off the inevitable day when I'd have to see what we actually owed & set a budget to start dealing with it (around 30k at its worst), but I did it, & instantly felt less stressed, more in control & as though things could start to move forward. I think this could be the same for you too. We kind of don't want to know the worst, but until we do & we acknowledge it, we can't really get a plan in place to deal with either the cause or the solution of the problem. We've now been debt free (apart from mortgage) since May 2011 & I've now learned to keep myself very informed about the state of our finances each month so that we don't slip back into our bad old ways. So......ostriches are very nice birds.........but head in the sand behaviour needs to be left behind by anyone needing to get a grip on debt. Best of luck with your LBM. I think you'll feel much better about yourself when you've made a serious start on tackling it. I know I did. It's all part of looking after yourself x

BrandNewStart

Wow. The above posts are amazing. Thank you so much people

I am posting to say I have actually looked at my bank balance and credit card now and am ready to start doing a SoA. I think I just need to sit down with a brew and do it as FG says above. It has really started to gnaw away at my mood and I had a major meltdown on Sunday I want that feeling if control and now I know what it is roughly I think I can start to look at how long it might take etc. I always find that but depressing but let's face it it will be no different to now when I can't afford a holiday etc anyway due to my frittering etc. I might be able to give Sat pm to it this week.

HereForTheCheese

I STILL dread looking at my bank statements when I know the month has been tough, but it's a pain that dulls the more you do it. The first day you start fighting back against debt and old habits will be the first day you've felt relief in a long time.

BrandNewStart

I am almost looking forward to doing this now. Almost! been out in the bike tonight which helps with the thoughts

wegle

Well done BNS!

Let us know what your plans are, first steps etc. We're all here to help you along the way.