Wife being bullied at work

Southend1

Poppy9 wrote: »

But it's a fair question because if she is "fat" then calling her "fat" would imply the person is being nasty. If she is normally a stick insect then now she has a bump would imply it's more jokey comment.

No. Making assumptions about the other person's motivation is not helpful. All that's relevant here is that unwanted comments have been made and OP's wife does not want them to be made again.

Southend1

Kayalana99 wrote: »

Yea I think it does matter a little as if she was usally size 8 with a bump being called fat she could more easily take it on the chin but if your size 22 with a bump so could be considered 'large' normally then I think even being pregnat getting called fatty would be to far...

It's not for us to judge whether OP's wife is right to be offended by the comments made by her boss. All that matters is that she is and she needs to ask her not to make similar comments again.

wiogs

And I trust she can now do something that will be able to improve the situation.





Blocked! Gosh how sweet.

Jennifer_Jane

I think I agree with the fact that bullying has to be ongoing: in fact, by the nature of the grammar, the word "bullying" or as the OP has said "Being bullied" implies that it is ongoing. Here is a link to a definition:

http://uk.ask.com/wiki/Workplace_bullying

The OP says that there is more to this, so whilst he should keep out of it, and just give support, in my view, his wife could get some advice from the Union. They can give confidential advice and some things to say to the manager, or it can be taken further with HR. I have found Unions (who I hate in general) to be very good in this regard, and the Union Rep will be onsite so can understand the politics involved.

Poppy9

Southend1 wrote: »

No. Making assumptions about the other person's motivation is not helpful. All that's relevant here is that unwanted comments have been made and OP's wife does not want them to be made again.

I believe trying to understand what the situation is and what the intention is, is key to handling the situation properly. I know the person in question is going off on maternity again soon but if she goes off after causing a huge fuss, which if it's a huge over reaction, will make it difficult for her to face returning to work after her maternity.

From the OP she hasn't worked with the people long if she's only been there 3 years and is about to go off on second bout of maternity leave. Colleagues might not know her very well and are including her in office jokes to make her feel more welcome and not realising it's being taken the wrong way.

We have to remember that all the players in this situation are adults, and it sounds like the employer has a procedure in place to deal with workplace harrassment/bullying. This isn't like school where it's immature people, who haven't the life skills to handle situations. So if it is truely bullying and not office banter then she has to invoke the procedure.

Southend1

Poppy9 wrote: »

I believe trying to understand what the situation is and what the intention is, is key to handling the situation properly. I know the person in question is going off on maternity again soon but if she goes off after causing a huge fuss, which if it's a huge over reaction, will make it difficult for her to face returning to work after her maternity.

From the OP she hasn't worked with the people long if she's only been there 3 years and is about to go off on second bout of maternity leave. Colleagues might not know her very well and are including her in office jokes to make her feel more welcome and not realising it's being taken the wrong way.

We have to remember that all the players in this situation are adults, and it sounds like the employer has a procedure in place to deal with workplace harrassment/bullying. This isn't like school where it's immature people, who haven't the life skills to handle situations. So if it is truely bullying and not office banter then she has to invoke the procedure.

The only way to know why the boss made these comments is to get inside her head. Only she knows why.

OP's wife need only address the unwanted behaviour, not the way the boss' mind works.

If the behaviour continues after making the boss aware that it is unwelcome then "invoking" the company's bullying procedure is one way OP's wife may choose to deal with the situation. She is definitely under no obligation to do so.

Poppy9

Southend1 wrote: »

The only way to know why the boss made these comments is to get inside her head. Only she knows why.

no it's not. Common sense has to be used and you need to know the office dynamics.

Southend1 wrote:

OP's wife need only address the unwanted behaviour, not the way the boss' mind works.

She does need to deal with the behaviour but you are assuming that the boss is deliberately being nasty and that really may not be true.

Southend1 wrote:

If the behaviour continues after making the boss aware that it is unwelcome then "invoking" the company's bullying procedure is one way OP's wife may choose to deal with the situation. She is definitely under no obligation to do so.

So what is the other way? If talking to the person doesn't have the desired effect what are her options? Resign, claim constructive dismissal, engage a solicitor etc. If she is a member of the union and goes to the union they will firstly following the company's grievance procedure.

Southend1

Poppy9 wrote: »

no it's not. Common sense has to be used and you need to know the office dynamics.

She does need to deal with the behaviour but you are assuming that the boss is deliberately being nasty and that really may not be true.

So what is the other way? If talking to the person doesn't have the desired effect what are her options? Resign, claim constructive dismissal, engage a solicitor etc. If she is a member of the union and goes to the union they will firstly following the company's grievance procedure.

Yes common sense needs to be used. I am not making any assumptions about the boss' motivation, in fact I am specifically saying OP's wife should avoid this and deal only with the unwanted behaviour, which is what is causing offence.

Other ways to deal with the behaviour might involve ignoring it, asking a colleague or senior manager or HR officer to intervene, leaving and getting a new job, punching the boss' lights out etc etc. The decision as to how a bully should be dealt with can only be made by the victim. It would be wrong to advise "invoking the procedure" without considering other options for a number of reasons, including that the victim may fear this will make things worse, or isn't strong enough to see through a complaint.

Edited to add: none of this alters the fact that the first thing to do in this situation is make the boss aware that her behaviour is causing offence and ask for it to stop!

Olza23

Wow I feel a bit speechless. Actually I've lost a bit of faith in humanity reading some of the argumentative and slightly spiteful comments.

I never knew people took things so literally!

May I thank people who generally have wanted to help and it is very much appreciated.

I don't want to fuel the "argument" anymore, instinctively I feel I want to take the high road and just ignore, which I think is what I will do...

Once again, thanks to everyone who generally wanted to help!:A

googler

wiogs wrote: »

If the wife feels bullied then she is being bullied. That's how bullying works.
Bullying is a serious issue, but doesn't seem to rate as such for some people.

So, the guilt of the person accused differs according to whether or not the supposed victim takes it seriously? That's a pretty woolly definition of what constitutes bullying, wouldn't you say?

And the person accused is presumed guilty purely based on the feelings of the supposedly bullied party?