Feeling a bit stuck

[Deleted User]

Ok, just read those links, thank you. But I guess since then (March and May 2013) there has been no further updates? As far as I am aware UC is still happening, my Council are talking about it and we are all being told to prepare for the changeover.

I can't see anyone being better off and have heard the self employed will be hit hardest, but that could be rumour and speculation.

I am trying not to worry about it too much....in theory.

[Deleted User]

Molly41 wrote: »

I am one of the youngest but they are a group of forward thinking and likeminded women so somehow age doesn't matter. However there are lots of New Wave Wi's which also look lots of fun and very funky.

If you look on the WI website you will find your federation (your area ) and then local meetings are listed x

Thanks Molly41, please can you tell me a little more about what its about? My only view of it is Calendar Girls and people knitting things in the war. Although I appreciate that is very narrow minded.

Molly41

No not narrow minded as the WI is supposed to be what you want it to be. So young or old it is a group of women who meet locally once a month who then are part of a county wide organisation who then become a country wide affiliation.

So on a local level - meet monthly make new friendships and support. The meetings generally there is a business part and a talk followed by coffee. The talks are really interesting and can be craft, local interest, socials instead. There may be competitions to enter and help with fundraising locally. Discussion around the WI as they take on a area each year that needs addressing such as Midwives, libraries etc. Coffee mornings.
County wide - visits organised, fundraising. Political agenda, craft courses.
Country wide - Political agenda, lobbying for issues that affect women, education and yearly AGM.

I have always felt very comfortable at the meetings although it took a few before I started to get to know people.

julie2710

Bailey, I just wanted to say you aren't alone in feeling like this. I've been single now for just coming up to five years. My ex left just before DS2 was born and DS1 was just coming up to 3. I work full time but I'm a sales rep so it's not as though I have a network of friends through work. The friends I do have from work live miles away!

It is difficult. I try and go out with friends when ex has them but he doesn't have them overnight that often. I resent/can't justify paying for a childminder. Sometimes I look at people with partners and lovely social lives and feel very envious. Some days it gets me down, like you if I'm tired and then there are days when I don't even want to go out.

I found any support groups for single mums were all in the daytime which when you work full time isn't much help.

I know this probably hasn't been any help but wanted you to know you aren't alone.

[Deleted User]

julie2710 wrote: »

Bailey, I just wanted to say you aren't alone in feeling like this. I've been single now for just coming up to five years. My ex left just before DS2 was born and DS1 was just coming up to 3. I work full time but I'm a sales rep so it's not as though I have a network of friends through work. The friends I do have from work live miles away!

It is difficult. I try and go out with friends when ex has them but he doesn't have them overnight that often. I resent/can't justify paying for a childminder. Sometimes I look at people with partners and lovely social lives and feel very envious. Some days it gets me down, like you if I'm tired and then there are days when I don't even want to go out.

I found any support groups for single mums were all in the daytime which when you work full time isn't much help.

I know this probably hasn't been any help but wanted you to know you aren't alone.

Thanks for sharing, it validates my feelings, but I am sorry to hear you share them too, its not nice is it.

I've been thinking about this since I posted this morning and I reckon I feel this way as I miss being the "whole" family we were, it seems like such a waste, but i'm not ready to start again. So I am stuck in limbo land of lonliness. I shouldn't be lonely as I have family and friends around, but I do so there is a void of something missing.

[Deleted User]

julie2710 wrote: »

Bailey, I just wanted to say you aren't alone in feeling like this. I've been single now for just coming up to five years. My ex left just before DS2 was born and DS1 was just coming up to 3. I work full time but I'm a sales rep so it's not as though I have a network of friends through work. The friends I do have from work live miles away!

It is difficult. I try and go out with friends when ex has them but he doesn't have them overnight that often. I resent/can't justify paying for a childminder. Sometimes I look at people with partners and lovely social lives and feel very envious. Some days it gets me down, like you if I'm tired and then there are days when I don't even want to go out.

I found any support groups for single mums were all in the daytime which when you work full time isn't much help.

I know this probably hasn't been any help but wanted you to know you aren't alone.

Meant to say you must be exhausted being a single mum without mum overnight help and working full time. I know you haven't much choice but you must have some fight in you. :T

geoffky

Deleted_User wrote: »

Ok, just read those links, thank you. But I guess since then (March and May 2013) there has been no further updates? As far as I am aware UC is still happening, my Council are talking about it and we are all being told to prepare for the changeover.

I can't see anyone being better off and have heard the self employed will be hit hardest, but that could be rumour and speculation.

I am trying not to worry about it too much....in theory.

The latest i have heard is that they can not get the system to what is called crossover i have heard from the coalface that they can not manage to get the system to handle complex cases..They have moved more hands onto the project but are still getting high failure rates..

This is a quote from someone working on the system

. Only one Universal Credit pilot was launched at one Jobcentre in Manchester in April, with three more to follow in July. Possibly. Or possibly not. Only new single claimants will be involved in the trial - which will not use the real-time system or ATLAS to work out their entitlements, none of which systems have ever worked properly when tested - with teams of civil servants using spreadsheets to calculate entitlements on a monthly basis manually! Some hundreds of people will likely be involved in this trial. The nationwide roll out to all new claimants from October 2013 will never happen.

geoffky

latest update...on uc..

Over 70 per cent of the £425 million spent to date has been on IT systems. The Department, however, has already written off £34 million of its new IT systems and does not yet know if they will support national roll-out.


http://www.nao.org.uk/report/universal-credit-early-progress/

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/sep/04/universal-credit-it-programme-benefits

JustKeepSwimming_2

Crikey Bailey - are you sure you aren't me? I've toyed with starting a similar thread myself over the past few years, but haven't as I thought it would sound too self indulgent/being a martyr - which it doesn't when I read your posts.

Deleted_User wrote: »

Single parents, how do you do it? Are you happy with your life? If not are you trying to change things, please give me some ideas? I feel like crying today. I feel like I am living my life through my children and have not much for me. This is definitely not healthy.

I realise this sounds self indulgent, but I keep reading things like "I'm so much happier being single" or "I love being single". But truth be told that isn't how I feel, hence my post of feeling trapped in no man's land.

toffeentom wrote: »

I've been there and am still there to some extent. My children are 18 and 16 now so I do have more free time but not sure how to spend it. My friends are practically all married with children and evenings/weekends for them is family time.

I don't have any single parent friends either & I don't think anyone can have any idea of what it is like until they've been there. My ex & I used to meet up with many other couples - now they either meet with him & his current wife, or even worse, a few couples met without me a few times - I found out accidently & was quite hurt, but was told they'd done it to spare my feelings as they thought I'd be uncomfortable sitting around the dinner table as the only singleton. Very Bridget Jones. My married friends are rarely free when I am as my ex works away a lot so having the kids overnight is very hit & miss. So I go out on my own when I can, but it just isn't the same & sometimes I'd love someone to share it with.

julie2710 wrote: »

Bailey, I just wanted to say you aren't alone in feeling like this. I've been single now for just coming up to five years. My ex left just before DS2 was born and DS1 was just coming up to 3. I work full time but I'm a sales rep so it's not as though I have a network of friends through work. The friends I do have from work live miles away!

It is difficult. I try and go out with friends when ex has them but he doesn't have them overnight that often. I resent/can't justify paying for a childminder. Sometimes I look at people with partners and lovely social lives and feel very envious. Some days it gets me down, like you if I'm tired and then there are days when I don't even want to go out.

I found any support groups for single mums were all in the daytime which when you work full time isn't much help.

I know this probably hasn't been any help but wanted you to know you aren't alone.

It is great to know I'm also not alone in feeling like this (although I don't want anyone else to feel like I do IYSWIM). I echo a few of the comments (support groups for single parents being in the daytime) & I struggle to get a reliable babysitter even when I can afford it (going rate is £15/night + cab fare).

Last year I missed my works Xmas do when my sitter decided she'd rather go out with her mates instead - sadly she didn't bother to tell me when we'd confirmed her sitting the day before, so I'd got ready only to have her Mum explain she'd gone out when I questioned why she was late . The most expensive meal I've never eaten :rotfl:

What I'd hate to happen to anyone else is what has happened to me over the 8 years that I've been a single parent. I've been trapped in the vicious circle of not having enough time (kids need taking to places & I don't drive so we do a lot of walking, which takes ages....) or enough money or no babysitter or being too darn tired to go out - so I've lost most of my casual friends over the years as when you rarely accept invites then people stop asking.

Deleted_User wrote: »

All the work that 2 people would have done now falls to 1. I don't like to ask family to help as they have their own gardens/houses to see to and I like to cope.

I think its the tiredness that brings me down, some days by the time I've worked, sorted out my own house etc., shopping, kids, laundry, correspondence, just daily living, then I've had enough. I haven't the energy to "do for me". I am responsible for everything. Just like any other single parent.

I totally agree its the tiredness that gets to you - I'm constantly shattered. I have no family support either, which doesn't help, & the few lovely friends I do just don't get "it" as they're all married.

I don't have any answers - I've already let my domestic standards slip & they weren't too high to begin with, torn up my weed bed & paved over the garden, accepted that I just don't have a social life...I honestly thought I'd have found another partner by now but that hasn't happened despite trying, & I know I can't find the time to even look now, never mind see a partner. I also couldn't bear to go through any more heartache as I feel I've had enough for 1 person. what sort of works best for me is to not to expect to have a social life, or look forward to an event & then when odd nights out do get cancelled due to ex's work, I try & tell myself its not that big a deal. I used to get very upset before when weekends away/going to weddings/parties have had to be cancelled, so I don't allow myself to think too far ahead. I know I must sound like a right martyr, but I don't mean to & I'm not trying to play the "I'm more of a single parent than any of you" card either although I think it probably sounds like I am.

But I don't like the person I've become during my single years - I know I'm now quite boring as I rarely go anywhere or see anyone outside of work colleagues or shop assistants. If I do meet a friend then I'm conscious of how boring my life sounds compared to theirs e.g. they had a family day out to the beach, family BBQ, met friends for lunch etc. whereas I've tackled the laundry, tried to get chores done, maybe taken my kids to the cinema so I can catch up on my sleep in the dark sitting in a comfy chair (you may want to steal this genius idea :rotfl:) & before I know it the working week has started again & I'm even further behind....

So I don't talk very much as I feel I have nothing of value to say, & I'm much less confident socially than I used to be. I find a lot of work/friends' conversations are irrelevant to me now - I have nothing to say when they all talk about their partners/families as I don't have either. I'm afraid people think I'm either rude or stand-offish as I'm quiet.

I've also found that I'm getting irrationally irritated by "couples" (I must sound like a vile person, but I'm just being brutally honest on here as I can't be in RL). We spent a week away at a holiday camp & I appeared to be the only single parent there - each time we ate/swam/went out I felt very conscious that I was single, & envious of those that had someone to share their time with. I had a lovely time with my kids, but felt so lonely too. I hate the fact that there is no one to be as proud of my 2 as I am, & for me to say "Remember the time..." to.

I know I'm not the only single parent, & even those 2 parent families still have arguments & have to do chores :rotfl: but I don't feel life is much fun for a lot of the time. Its the whole never endingness of being the only one holding it all together which grinds me down. Something has to give - & that is "my time/life".

I tell myself it won't be such hard work for ever - & most of the time I'm just too knackered to care anyway

[Deleted User]

Geoffkey, thanks for that update, much appreciated!!