Feeling a bit stuck

[Deleted User]

Just keep swimming - Thank you for that honest post. I simply read it as that and could identify with everything you typed.

I wish there was a magic wand to improve things.

Its been 15 months since my husband left and I'm still not ready to be in a relationship, despite how much I do miss being in one. As you said having someone to share things with or reminisce...

I wonder if I will be alone now, I do know of people who have been single for 5,8 and 10 years. One of my friends mum's friends (she must be in her 70's) has been single since her 40's as she never met anyone suitable. She got more choosey the older she got. I'm worried that is me.

If I did have a week to myself, apart from working, I don't know what i'd do for pleasure. I'd still probably stay in despite not having to be house bound of an evening.

I want to change things, I need more energy first.

paulineb_2

Deleted_User wrote: »

Just keep swimming - Thank you for that honest post. I simply read it as that and could identify with everything you typed.

I wish there was a magic wand to improve things.

Its been 15 months since my husband left and I'm still not ready to be in a relationship, despite how much I do miss being in one. As you said having someone to share things with or reminisce...

I wonder if I will be alone now, I do know of people who have been single for 5,8 and 10 years. One of my friends mum's friends (she must be in her 70's) has been single since her 40's as she never met anyone suitable. She got more choosey the older she got. I'm worried that is me.

If I did have a week to myself, apart from working, I don't know what i'd do for pleasure. I'd still probably stay in despite not having to be house bound of an evening.

I want to change things, I need more energy first.

If you wait till you have more energy, you wont change anything. Firstly, Id certainly rule anything medical out that could be causing the tiredness.

Ive spoken about this before, I spent a lot of time not socialising for various reasons and I dont have kids so its easier for me, but you need to put yourself out there to meet more people, how you do it, might be hit and miss. It could be once a month or twice a month, doesnt need to be every night of the week.

I probably go out about twice a month, sometimes its more, sometimes its less but it averages out at that, although Ive probably been out more than that over this last year if I sat down and added it up. I had to make the effort, if I didnt I'd still have been sitting down looking at 4 walls.

Also, being single for 5-10 years? Not the end of the world. Ive been single the best part of 8 years now give or take a couple of short relationships. Im not too fussy, I just dont want to go back to anything like the relationships Ive left, but Im open to meeting someone new, thats the main thing.

Living day to day and not wondering about what your life might be like next week, next month or next year is the main thing.

System

If my husband goes before me and i'm on my own i'll probably do some church based activities as its what I know and it will give me time out of the house.

unholyangel

Not sure if anyone suggested this (had to skim read as about to go out) but have you tried taking vitamin B? It doesn't make a huge difference to your energy but it does give you a boost.

JustKeepSwimming_2

Deleted_User wrote: »

Just keep swimming - Thank you for that honest post. I simply read it as that and could identify with everything you typed.

I wish there was a magic wand to improve things.

Its been 15 months since my husband left and I'm still not ready to be in a relationship, despite how much I do miss being in one. As you said having someone to share things with or reminisce...

I wonder if I will be alone now, I do know of people who have been single for 5,8 and 10 years. One of my friends mum's friends (she must be in her 70's) has been single since her 40's as she never met anyone suitable. She got more choosey the older she got. I'm worried that is me.

If I did have a week to myself, apart from working, I don't know what i'd do for pleasure. I'd still probably stay in despite not having to be house bound of an evening.

I want to change things, I need more energy first.

I'm relieved you have read my post as I intended it to be read - rereading it again this morning it does seem full of self pity & I almost deleted it. But it may help someone else in a similar situation, although I hardly paint a rosy picture of single parent life.

I know what I'd do for pleasure - sleep & read a book & nothing else. But I struggle with taking time out for myself as there is always some chore that needs doing...

paulineb wrote: »

If you wait till you have more energy, you wont change anything. Firstly, Id certainly rule anything medical out that could be causing the tiredness.

Ive spoken about this before, I spent a lot of time not socialising for various reasons and I dont have kids so its easier for me, but you need to put yourself out there to meet more people, how you do it, might be hit and miss. It could be once a month or twice a month, doesnt need to be every night of the week.

I probably go out about twice a month, sometimes its more, sometimes its less but it averages out at that, although Ive probably been out more than that over this last year if I sat down and added it up. I had to make the effort, if I didnt I'd still have been sitting down looking at 4 walls.

Also, being single for 5-10 years? Not the end of the world. Ive been single the best part of 8 years now give or take a couple of short relationships. Im not too fussy, I just dont want to go back to anything like the relationships Ive left, but Im open to meeting someone new, thats the main thing.

Living day to day and not wondering about what your life might be like next week, next month or next year is the main thing.

I agree with all of Paulineb's post, especially the bit I've put on bold. I periodically see my GP complaining about tiredness, he runs some tests & all is fine thankfully, then says "Of course you are tired - you are doing the work of 2 parents + working almost f/t (30hrs) etc.". Important for you to rule out any possible medical problems though.

I would encourage you to go out & socialise where you can, & I regret the fact that I didn't/don't as I know its made me unhappy.

I think my personal practical circumstances are unusual ( no car, rubbish public transport, ex constantly changing plans at last minute, no family), but I do want to stick up for those of us who have tried to find a way to get out more but failed. A friend has commented that I seem like a bird in a cage thrashing about, & I did waste a lot of emotional energy trying to plan bus routes to events (could usually get there but not home again ) or considering cutting down on groceries for me (not the kids) so I could afford a sitter & cabs (costs me the best part of £40 before I've even bought a drink which just isn't doable on my low wage).

Hence I've become reconciled to not having a social life just now, which has bought me some mental peace & is one of the few things I can control. I don't feel I have to explain why I can't go out any more, & consequently I don't have to endure comments like "I don't know how you do it - I couldn't cope without my regular spa day & my 2 nights out a week with the girls as I'd go mental & take to my bed for a week while my OH sorted out the house & kids". The answer, as any single parent will know is that you cope because you damn well have to :wall:. I don't think I work harder that any other single working parent, & I don't want a medal for it (just an extra day a week maybe) or any special treatment/pity.

Although there have been a few nights out over the years that I could have gone to but didn't, telling myself that I was too tired. Which I was, but partly I just didn't want to feel even more single than I already do - being the only single of a certain age in my small group. Now I regret not going & trying to deflect the conversation away from the "So haven't you found another partner yet?" or ""I'd hate to have to do all the finances, you poor thing" comments. I know I'm an oddity in my group concerning how I run things, simply because I do it all & I understand people being interested - maybe I'm just too sensitive to the differences.

But I don't think my approach is a good idea for most people, & it does possibly sound a bit like I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face. Part of me is looking forward to when my kids leave home as I'll have done my job in getting them ready for the world & I hope they'll go off to lead happy, independent lives (I will let them come back of course) & part of me is dreading it. I can totally see how I'll end up alone when they have gone, with no social skills left whatsoever. Good job I like cats

Bailey - I too wonder if I'll still be single when I'm 50, 60 etc. I need to think I won't be, but I also know I can cope if I am, & that is priceless. Also my head tells me that being alone is far, far better than being in a rubbish relationship (got a few of those T-shirts).

Can you all tell it hasn't been the best weekend so far (& we've homework to tackle next). Sorry to hijack your thread with ranting :rotfl: I'm also listening to radio4 about Spare Rib magazine & inequality which although fascinating, does make me so cross when you hear how life used to be.

FatVonD

Does your local authority do single day classes? It's been some years since I did it but I went to a couple that were on a Saturday (both garden design type classes) and, as it was just a one day course, it didn't require any kind of ongoing commitment.

I was a single mum for a few years and know exactly what it's like, you have a lot of time on your hands when the kids are in bed but you're still tied to the house. I spent a lot of time on online music forums where I made friends who I could meet up with to go to gigs. Would anything like that interest you?

JustKeepSwimming_2

Forgot to add that WI around my area are suddenly full of younger women - some of my friends go to one in the next village & are loving it. So far they've been on a brewery tour (with tasting), a clothes swapping evening & a barn dance. I would definitely go along if I could.

belfastgirl23

Not a lot to add except first of all give yourself a break you're still grieving for the loss of your relationship and the life you thought you would have. This is not only ok but totally normal.

I would suggest you have a look at The Happiness Project. I found it really helpful in making me think hard about what kinds of things contributed to me being happy. And to think about what I really wanted. It's also worth thinking about keeping a journal, to help you identify what you have enjoyed, what works and doesn't for you. I'm in a relationship but DH isn't the sort of man you reflect on your day with so I like to do this as a way of affirming both what I want and what I have learned or enjoyed. Also as a way of recognising what I've been grateful for in a day. I work with someone who is a worrier and so is DH so I find this is an important corrective for me.

I also want to add that I admire you for being clear sighted enough to acknowledge what's going on with you. When you're feeling low and gloomy it can be hard to step up and acknowledge that something needs to change. You've taken the first step here in admitting this to yourself. That's nearly the hardest thing. From now its about identifying the small things you can do to move forward. Keep posting here if it helps! Good luck!

JustKeepSwimming_2

Hi Bailey - how are you doing? It hasn't been that long since you posted, so I doubt you're "all sorted" yet (although that would be lovely to hear if you are). Did you get the all clear from your GP about your tiredness?

This thread has stayed with me since I first read it as it struck such a chord. I'm still feeling somewhat stuck myself, although have enjoyed a week off due to half term during which I have slept more than I thought possible for one person. My kids have spent it with their Dad, so I haven't been neglectful...

I must have been knackered (as every single parent is :rotfl:) but although I obviously needed the rest, I'm left feeling I've wasted a precious week when I should have been doing something exciting, & part of me is dreading going back to work tomorrow to hear all about everyone else's fantastic week. But then I'm the only single one in my department, so my time is bound to be spent differently & its taken me ages to understand this isn't "wrong" or "my fault" for having a less than brilliant time - it just is. Sounds so simple but it took me a long time to not beat myself up about having a boring/restricted life.

I have found some more peace in not getting too stressed about housework etc. (it helps that I have no family & very busy friends so there is no one to ever just drop by & be horrified by the laundry pile etc. - this may not work if you do get lots of visitors ). As long as the bills are paid & we all eat decent food, well a good sort out each month seems to work for me. I was already quite slack in some areas (you have to be as a single parent surely, as you simply can't do ALL the work that 2 parents did/do?) but I'm finding it easier to not feel guilty about being slack. Domestic Goddess I ain't...

[Deleted User]

Thanks for thinking of me, I enjoyed reading your post, glad to hear you have had a relaxing half term and feel a bit more charged up, hope that feeling lasts.

I'm ok despite a recent diagnosis of fibromyalgia. Its something I need to learn to live with and manage in order to keep working and be fully functioning for the kids.

I still feel very stuck, but I am due to see the GP next week and we will be discussing that.

One day at a time at the moment...trying not to think too far ahead.