Feeling a bit stuck

[Deleted User]

I'm not sure if I feel stuck in the point of my life I am in now, or lost or just discontented with my situation.

I know I need to make changes in order for my life to improve but in all honesty I am unsure how to go about it.

I am single (separated, husband left nearly 14 months ago after 10 years together). I have two young children and I work part time. As long as I am careful and not too extravagent I dont need to worry about money at the moment. But I am a worrier (I know wasted energy) and I am unsure how the new universal credit changes will affect me as I am self employed. Tried researching but cant find answers yet.

Anyway that aside, I realise when the children are with their father I do tend to spend a lot of that time on my own, whilst I don't mind my own company to some extent, it does get tedious. I do have friends but their partners/husbands are around and its family time for them. If i'm honest I resent them going, having the share them at the weekend as none of this is my choice. But I know its important for them to have a meaningful relationship with their dad. I don't want to play the victim, but I can't help my feelings either.

I have tried Meet Up in my area, lets just say it didn't go well. I've looked at my library notice board, nothing that grabs me and now i'm considering an evening course. However i'd need to sort a weekly babysitter (that could be tricky for a whole term) and I know how shattered I get in the evenings and would likely after a month or so not want to go out.

I'm trying not to be pessimistic, but I do feel lonely, trapped and need to build up my life as the kids grow up, need me less and then leave the nest. Maybe I'm thinking too far in advance. This last year has been about survival, dealing with our emotions, sorting out work and just learning to live without hubby.

I dont think i'm truely ready to start dating yet, so that tells me not to bother, I know my kids wouldnt be ready to see another man in my life. A potential boyfriend would want to see me 2-3 times a week and I don't think I have the time or energy to commit to that. I don't want to be lonely and I miss being in a marriage/relationship and having someone to share things with. But I know that is no reason to enter into one if i'm not 100% committed.

Single parents, how do you do it? Are you happy with your life? If not are you trying to change things, please give me some ideas? I feel like crying today. I feel like I am living my life through my children and have not much for me. This is definitely not healthy.

I realise this sounds self indulgent, but I keep reading things like "I'm so much happier being single" or "I love being single". But truth be told that isn't how I feel, hence my post of feeling trapped in no man's land.

Frugalbride

I know what you mean about committing to something regular, hard to find the motivation. What are your interests? Might there be groups that run when your kids are with their Dad? There are loads of weekend walking and craft groups about that run at weekends but that might be your worst nightmare? Any activities you could do with your kids that would allow you to meet people? It sounds like you have done really well in the past year after what must have been a tough time.

[Deleted User]

Thank you yes, this last year has really about me changing my work/hours to fit around being a single parent (could no longer work evenings) and having to find extra hours due to youngest turning 5. I didn't know anything about the benefits system (never needed to) but now I feel quite the knowledgable.

I've looked at the evening courses, none of it really inspires me and I think if I'm going to pay then I want to do something that motivates me out of the house.

I have no idea really. I like reading (just trashy novels) but no book groups in my area that I can attend (timings). I like swimming, but not competitively, there is no social swimming club in my area. My husband runs the only one I know of for disabled people, so I can't go there. I'd like to find a support group for single mums in my area but i've searched gingerbread/netmums etc, all in towns that require a journey, not local to me.

I'm not crafty, but I need to find something or a group to join so I can meet new people.

[Deleted User]

Anyway i'll come back later, off to take the kids to the park for a picnic and bike ride.

toffee'n'tom

Hi Bailey

I've been there and am still there to some extent. My children are 18 and 16 now so I do have more free time but not sure how to spend it. My friends are practically all married with children and evenings/weekends for them is family time.

I joined the local sports centre with my daughter for a month over the Summer. Not for the gym but for the exercise classes. I've quite enjoyed that and may continue going alone now I have a bit more confidence.

Could you ask your friends and their families around for a meal/BBQ? I'd like to do that but I just don't have the confidence for some reason. A bit scared of being turned down I suppose.

I have actually joined a free dating site. Not my thing but it does give you the opportunity maybe to 'chat' with people if you're alone, even if you don't want to go out with them?

I'll keep thinking but I really do feel for you x

Molly41

How about the WI? Many groups are now full of younger women and it is very supportive. Obviously all women but they might give you a support network and they have a meeting once a month with a talk. You can visit to check they are right for you x

CH27

Why can't the children's dad mind them one night per week so you can go to an evening class?

[Deleted User]

toffeentom wrote: »

Hi Bailey

I've been there and am still there to some extent. My children are 18 and 16 now so I do have more free time but not sure how to spend it. My friends are practically all married with children and evenings/weekends for them is family time. Thank you for understanding.

I joined the local sports centre with my daughter for a month over the Summer. Not for the gym but for the exercise classes. I've quite enjoyed that and may continue going alone now I have a bit more confidence.

Could you ask your friends and their families around for a meal/BBQ? I'd like to do that but I just don't have the confidence for some reason. A bit scared of being turned down I suppose. Go for it!! I do have family round for meals and we do have fun. Just when they go home its just me, no one to talk about the evening/meal with.

I have actually joined a free dating site. Not my thing but it does give you the opportunity maybe to 'chat' with people if you're alone, even if you don't want to go out with them? The only free one I know of is POV and I've heard its full of wierdo's. Which one do you use? I looked at some and they say free, until you want to read messages then you have to pay.

I'll keep thinking but I really do feel for you x

Thank you, I do keep busy and there is always something to do. Just spend 2 hours gardening, but i feel shattered and its more of a chore than enjoyable as there is no-one to help me, or bring out a drink. :rotfl: But I like to take pride in my house and garden and "not let the side down". All the work that 2 people would have done now falls to 1. I don't like to ask family to help as they have their own gardens/houses to see to and I like to cope.

I think its the tiredness that brings me down, some days by the time I've worked, sorted out my own house etc, shopping, kids, laundry, correspondance, just daily living, then I've had enough. I havent the energy to "do for me". I am responsibile for everything. Just like any other single parent.

I think i'm feeling like I do now as i've not slept well for a few night, have a few things on my mind and just a tad hormonal. Things are always worse then.

[Deleted User]

Molly41 wrote: »

How about the WI? Many groups are now full of younger women and it is very supportive. Obviously all women but they might give you a support network and they have a meeting once a month with a talk. You can visit to check they are right for you x

I will look into that thank you. I think that is what I miss, feeling involved in something, some comradship, feeling wanted.

I am unsure if one is in my area and hope there would be some similarly aged ladies.

[Deleted User]

CH27 wrote: »

Why can't the children's dad mind them one night per week so you can go to an evening class?

He has them on a friday night, by the time I get to that part of the week, I KNOW I wouldn't make myself go out to anywhere where I had to concentrate. Its a bit like exercise, if I dont do it in the morning, its unlikely to happen by the evening.

I have looked at the prospectus and unfortunately there isn't anything there that makes me want to part with my cash.

I do occasionally go out on a friday night, but I don't drink much and find i want to go home.

Crickey I sound a right one, honestly I am normal, promise!!

geoffky

Universal credit is in a mess...I doubt it will see the light of day as the computer system is not fit for purpose and it is under a red warning for government projects.