Have you ever left a relationship, even though you loved the other person?

cheesecaked

Just to clarify, they do pay their own way. That's not a problem here. Wouldn't want anyone getting the wrong idea of them.

Carl31

I think this is just an example of where people grow up and change. As i mentioned on another thread, between the ages of 18-25, I believe people define who they are, through their first tastes of the freedom of adulthood. its not wrong, It just means we change and grow up. I think this period is where we need to experience what life has to offer, to blow out, meet people, try different things with different people. After this period we understand who we are, and then who we require as a partner

I think the OP has just realised that the person she needs in her life is not the person she now has, nothing wriong with that

kjp

I could have written your OP a year ago. There was nothing wrong, per se, we got on, we enjoyed each other's company, but it's not until now that I realise how unhappy we both were. We moved in together (had been together for just over 7 years) and that, coupled with my sudden realisation of what I wanted to do with my life, really bought home that we just weren't happy. We broke up on Christmas night, talked it over, agreed to change, and lasted a week, breaking up again as the clock struck 12 on New Years Eve (great timing on both accounts!) We stayed in our flat together for three more months, and eventually drifted back into our relationship, but broke up 'for good' in mid April. A week after we broke up, I got offered a graduate position 100 miles from home, and I'm moving this week. I'm seeing him tonight for the first time in 4 months, he has got himself a new girlfriend and I'm in a place where I'm ok with that. I have my friends, a new job, a new course, a new life, really-and I'm looking forward to finding out who I am, I was in that relationship from 18 to nearly 26.

I still love him, don't get me wrong, and I'm sure he still loves me-but in the end, we both loved the memory of who we were 4 years ago than now, and neither of us was willing to change ourselves to make the relationship work. Funnily, now we've split up, I'm probably more the person I was when we were 20, just with a shed load more confidence! I think what helped was realising that, he wanted me to change who I was, and therefore he couldn't love ME like I wanted him to.

We probably would have stayed together, maybe bought a house, got married, but we weren't happy. As painful and horrible as it was-like people are saying, it would almost be 'easier' if one of us had cheated, if there was a reason rather than we're just not happy anymore-I'm looking forward to my new chapter, and I know that in the end, our relationship was just not good enough to keep us together.

A lot of my friends are in the same situation, same age, relationship length the same, and for some it's worked out, and they're happy again, others have split up and are moving on. It's hard, it sort of feels like I've failed myself, and I'm still missing the idea of the life we planned when we were 21, the house, the pets, the wedding, the honeymoon. But I'm still young, and I still have plenty of time to find all that with someone who loves me, rather than the idea in their head of me.

Sorry for babbling, hopefully something in that epistle has struck a chord! Do what makes you happy in the long run, I'd rather have a few months of horribleness with a potentially happy future than a lifetime of 'well, we're not unhappy ALL the time, so it's ok'.
Kx

Bangton

Honestly..I came close to leaving someone I was totally, totally in love with because I couldn't tolerate the way things had become. I will hold my hands up though and say I was too gutless to suffer the heart ache it would have caused me and I felt I couldn't hurt him any more than he already was.

In the end it was the best thing for me as I am still with him to this day and we have an amazing relationship. I guess in the end it boiled down to neither of us really wanting it to end and vowing to change our ways. Now, if I have an issue with him I tell him straight and vice versa. Yesterday, we were discussing these times and I cried because it scares me how close we came to losing what we have now.

Absolutely it can be the right decision to leave someone and I wholeheartedly support anyone who has/does but it can work with effort too, hence sharing my story.

gunsandbanjos

cheesecaked wrote: »

Just to clarify, they do pay their own way. That's not a problem here. Wouldn't want anyone getting the wrong idea of them.

My ex didn't , that was one of my major issues with him!

He owes me a fortune!!

gunsandbanjos

KJP your situation sounds a lot like mine!

cheesecaked

I think I had reached breaking point when I wrote this thread last night.

We've had a chat and have agreed to be friends living together for the time being, not sure how this is going to work in practice but we'll just have to both make an effort. I think we are both very upset but agree that for now it's for the best and not make any rash decisions yet. I really want to remain friends and I hope we can refrain from arguing about things.

Thank you so much for all your input, it's helped me relieve a bit of stress.

cheesecaked

kjp wrote: »

I could have written your OP a year ago. There was nothing wrong, per se, we got on, we enjoyed each other's company, but it's not until now that I realise how unhappy we both were. We moved in together (had been together for just over 7 years) and that, coupled with my sudden realisation of what I wanted to do with my life, really bought home that we just weren't happy. We broke up on Christmas night, talked it over, agreed to change, and lasted a week, breaking up again as the clock struck 12 on New Years Eve (great timing on both accounts!) We stayed in our flat together for three more months, and eventually drifted back into our relationship, but broke up 'for good' in mid April. A week after we broke up, I got offered a graduate position 100 miles from home, and I'm moving this week. I'm seeing him tonight for the first time in 4 months, he has got himself a new girlfriend and I'm in a place where I'm ok with that. I have my friends, a new job, a new course, a new life, really-and I'm looking forward to finding out who I am, I was in that relationship from 18 to nearly 26.

I still love him, don't get me wrong, and I'm sure he still loves me-but in the end, we both loved the memory of who we were 4 years ago than now, and neither of us was willing to change ourselves to make the relationship work. Funnily, now we've split up, I'm probably more the person I was when we were 20, just with a shed load more confidence! I think what helped was realising that, he wanted me to change who I was, and therefore he couldn't love ME like I wanted him to.

We probably would have stayed together, maybe bought a house, got married, but we weren't happy. As painful and horrible as it was-like people are saying, it would almost be 'easier' if one of us had cheated, if there was a reason rather than we're just not happy anymore-I'm looking forward to my new chapter, and I know that in the end, our relationship was just not good enough to keep us together.

A lot of my friends are in the same situation, same age, relationship length the same, and for some it's worked out, and they're happy again, others have split up and are moving on. It's hard, it sort of feels like I've failed myself, and I'm still missing the idea of the life we planned when we were 21, the house, the pets, the wedding, the honeymoon. But I'm still young, and I still have plenty of time to find all that with someone who loves me, rather than the idea in their head of me.

Sorry for babbling, hopefully something in that epistle has struck a chord! Do what makes you happy in the long run, I'd rather have a few months of horribleness with a potentially happy future than a lifetime of 'well, we're not unhappy ALL the time, so it's ok'.
Kx

Oh what awful timing! But for the best. Your last sentence is just how it has been really.

kjp

I'm glad you've come to a decision for now, it will be difficult but I honestly think our living together at the end helped me achieve closure-once all the pretences were down, cards on the table, and the worst HAD happened, we were happier and more honest with each other-there was none of the "oh god, if I mention this, we might have an argument, and break up" fear that I'd been suffering with for really the previous two years. Are you renting? How long have you got left on your contract?

Make sure you get out and do stuff-I had work, college some evenings, and just went round to friends occassionally. Not because I felt uncomfortable at home, but I needed to start becoming me again, and I'd neglected that the past few years. Your few not close friends might actually become proper friends-that was part of my fear, how do I create a life when I have very few friends outside of 'us'-he was my best friend before we got together-but you manage.

New Year's Eve was actually kind of a turning point for me, we spent the whole night in (didn't want to go out with friends), had a Chinese and a bottle of wine and watched a film in silence. Come midnight, I couldn't imagine anything sadder than doing that for the rest of my life. I do now have a slightly Pavlovian reaction to fireworks though because of it!

Bangton-such a nice story to hear, one of my friends had a similar situation last year, we all thought it was over, but they have pulled through and are happier than ever. It's nice to know it does work out sometimes!

Kx

cheesecaked

kjp wrote: »

I'm glad you've come to a decision for now, it will be difficult but I honestly think our living together at the end helped me achieve closure-once all the pretences were down, cards on the table, and the worst HAD happened, we were happier and more honest with each other-there was none of the "oh god, if I mention this, we might have an argument, and break up" fear that I'd been suffering with for really the previous two years. Are you renting? How long have you got left on your contract?

Make sure you get out and do stuff-I had work, college some evenings, and just went round to friends occassionally. Not because I felt uncomfortable at home, but I needed to start becoming me again, and I'd neglected that the past few years. Your few not close friends might actually become proper friends-that was part of my fear, how do I create a life when I have very few friends outside of 'us'-he was my best friend before we got together-but you manage.

New Year's Eve was actually kind of a turning point for me, we spent the whole night in (didn't want to go out with friends), had a Chinese and a bottle of wine and watched a film in silence. Come midnight, I couldn't imagine anything sadder than doing that for the rest of my life. I do now have a slightly Pavlovian reaction to fireworks though because of it!

Bangton-such a nice story to hear, one of my friends had a similar situation last year, we all thought it was over, but they have pulled through and are happier than ever. It's nice to know it does work out sometimes!

Kx

We've got 9 months left on the contract (only just moved in!) so things need to be civil and nice.

Your right that I need to get out and do my own thing and make stuff happen! I am supposed to go to a meet up in our area in a bit over a week. He's gonna give me a lift I hope, he knows I need to get out and about.