Have you ever left a relationship, even though you loved the other person?

cheesecaked

ciderwithrosie wrote: »

It sounds like you've given your all to this relationship at the sacrifice of friendships with other people. That's never healthy IMO, you need to have your own interests and friends, because as you're finding, when it goes pear-shaped, you're left with no life outside of you and him.

Yup I did most of that sacrificing at the beginning when I was young and silly and regret it deeply now. I certainly wouldn't have let that happen if I was who I am now.

Though I would like to point out that I think my partner does realise this now and would be more than happy for me to go out and make my own friends now, they're not stopping me. I feel like maybe I need to be chucked in at the deep end alone for me to get off of my backside and go and meet new people, don't know why, maybe I'm just a bit too comfy (is that just a nice way of saying lazy?) I'm pretty socially awkward too, not very self-confident so it's very hard for me to make close friendships.

Living away from family is a joint choice though. I love my job here and for that reason I wouldn't move back home, unless I could take all my colleagues with me! I feel lucky to have such a nice working environment and wouldn't want to risk losing that.

louby_lou

cheesecaked wrote: »

We have talked through all the issues yes, they know they are being selfish and have said as such but can't promise to change. This is what has lead me to this position, it's just a sort of verbal confirmation of what I probably knew, that you can't really change a person.

I just find it hard to understand, I just think the ways they are being selfish is unacceptable to any relationship really, so part of me is saying 'but surely they have to change' but of course they don't have to.

Absolutely. And you don't have to put up with it either. You deserve someone who is motivated to do the things which make you (both) happy. If they're not it can mean they're either not sympathetic to your complaints and agree their behaviour is out of order, or they do not want to change their behaviour and believe they are right, and it is worth risking the relationship for.

I keep saying to myself - people do things for few reasons, eg because they want to, or because they have to. Not because they are apathetic. If your partner told you some of your behaviour was upsetting them and potentially risking your relationship, and you wanted to maintain that, you would likely do whatever needed to happen to resolve that issue.

I like to think I would. Time to think about what you want, which I suspect is what brought you here :T

nb - I wish I could take my own advice above :mad:

marisco_2

fluffnutter wrote: »

As an aside, I bet it's far more common that women do this.

I can only go by what I have seen amongst my circle of friends, but as many men as women have walked away from a relationship that wasn't working for them.

As for the OP. In a healthy relationship there needs to be an element of give and take and you are always going to need to compromise. This needs to work both ways though. People who are happy with who they are with wont see this as the other person trying to make them change. Just that there is a natural expectation that each person would want to be considerate, and take some personal responsibility to keep the relationship running smoothly.

gunsandbanjos

Yes, I walked away from my marriage of 10 years about 6 months ago. Best thing I ever did, I'm 100 times happier now.

I did still love my husband, but not how I used to and I didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore.

I wish him well, hope he's happy and bear him no ill feelings.

But I can say with total certainty that I did the right thing.

cheesecaked

louby_lou wrote: »

I'm doing this now. To make matters worse we are married, but for less than a year and if I'm brutally honest I think the marriage sort of hid the problems we were having because we were so busy. We too were together for nearly 15 years (literally half of both of our lives) so I don't know who I am as a single adult either, I hope to find out.

Don't do what I did and ignore problems hoping they will go away or that the other person will change. They won't, and they shouldn't have to as long as they're not abusive or mean. Everyone has a right to be happy as the person they are.

I'm a co-dependent and sacrificed my friends, hobbies and interests in favour of keeping the relationship going. I really, really regret that now, but am trying to make progress in repairing old friendships and looking forward to starting new ones.

I long to be happy again but now realise I must be happy alone before I can be with anyone else, much less rely on someone else for my own happiness. I hope by the time I am 30 next year I will be living a very different (single) life. Good luck.:o

I'm sorry to hear of your situation Yes I think I've ignored problems for a long while and now I'm starting to think I need to stop and make a decision. It's so hard though.

I've no desire to go out and find another bloke any time soon, like you I need some self-development time! Get a couple of good friends, start off from somewhere healthier.

May I ask, have you already made the break away, does your partner feel the same way?

I think mine would like to stay friends, and in theory so would I but how is it possible with all the feelings flying around?! They said 'we'd still live together though?', well how can we? I don't know if they meant just for the duration of our tenancy contract or beyond, I didn't ask at the time.

It's so hard because I spend all day being angry at them but when we come to talk about it I remember why I love them. They are a lovely person really, just being selfish at the moment, with a history of both of us just having differences which are no ones fault.

gunsandbanjos

Good luck louby_lou, I'm only 2 years older than you. And I hope you'll trust me when I say being single is fabulous! The first few months I was a bit lost and confused but lately I've been loving it!!

cheesecaked

louby_lou wrote: »

Absolutely. And you don't have to put up with it either. You deserve someone who is motivated to do the things which make you (both) happy. If they're not it can mean they're either not sympathetic to your complaints and agree their behaviour is out of order, or they do not want to change their behaviour and believe they are right, and it is worth risking the relationship for.

I keep saying to myself - people do things for few reasons, eg because they want to, or because they have to. Not because they are apathetic. If your partner told you some of your behaviour was upsetting them and potentially risking your relationship, and you wanted to maintain that, you would likely do whatever needed to happen to resolve that issue.

I like to think I would. Time to think about what you want, which I suspect is what brought you here :T

nb - I wish I could take my own advice above :mad:

Well exactly, I know what I'd tell a friend but can't listen to my own sense!

As to what you were saying about how you'd modify your behavior if it were the other way around. This is the issue with me, I can't explain but they have one main problem with me which I'm not sure I can change (I think their upset with this is perfectly reasonable btw) but might be able to improve with their support - I've only just come across a possible solution recently (sorry this will make no sense to anyone but I don't want to explain).

But they're not giving me the support I need on this. However I can understand after many years of me not changing they are fed up and have come to the end of their tether. Fair enough, I can't promise a solution anyway.

louby_lou

Hiya cheesecaked.

We are separated now and have been for approx 3 months. I am seeing a counsellor to work through my codependence issues and build my self esteem. We don't live together any longer, and I could not imagine doing so through all of this - as a person who had been in such a long term relationship I would likely never have been able to delineate between the GF-me vs the single-me. I'd still be doing all the washing, hoovering, cleaning and all the while going through emotional anguish.

If you're codependent, or even just a little too enmeshed, not having the other person around is mind blowing on so many levels. I now have SO MUCH spare time - all the time and energy I had previously been spending on doing things for him (whether he had asked me to or not) cleaning for two, organising for two, cooking for two, earning for two, thinking about all the things that needed to be done to try to save the relationship - ARGH it drives me mad when I think how much I used to do and things still weren't right. I must say though, I don't hate him, (in fact I still love him very much) even though there was infidelity involved in the end of my marriage (on his part) I see it more as a symptom of the decay of our relationship rather than the cause. I'm not hanging on to anger about that, the relationship was dead long before he made his decisions. It just made me face the music earlier.

I am really alone now, but I don't feel lonely (much). I spend most of my days on my own doing things I like, working on losing weight, getting fit, running and getting well. I spend a lot of time with my family, and time with the one friend I had left. I'm spending time reading and watching the films I like, and getting back into music as I had no time to pursue listening or going to gigs (nor any interest in anything unless he was interested in it) cooking healthy food just how I like it and letting my cats sleep on the bed (victory! this was strictly banned before!). Maybe you could think of the things you would like to do if you had the opportunity and were free to do so? Like in your situation, my husband didn't stop me from seeing friends, but I felt it was 'easier' not to, and made myself available to him as much as I could because I told myself I enjoyed his company more. Bleurgh. How ridiculous that seems to type.

If you think you would benefit from seeing a counsellor to talk through you issues before making a decision maybe that would be helpful, mine is a fantastic soundboard for all the craziness I cook up on a weekly basis. I would also say that couples counselling can also not only be to save a relationship, but also there to help you end it in as healthy a way as possible. We never made it that far, but I think it might have helped to end it more gracefully than it did.

Above all, I think that we must all truly believe that we deserve to be happy, and if something isn't doing that or at least working toward it, then things should change.

I wouldn't want to look back on my life thinking, I was terribly unhappy but at least I was loyal to him / the memory of the relationship.*

*sorry for the ramble!

louby_lou

gunsandbanjos wrote: »

Good luck louby_lou, I'm only 2 years older than you. And I hope you'll trust me when I say being single is fabulous! The first few months I was a bit lost and confused but lately I've been loving it!!

Thanks gunsandbanjos- roll on the happy months! :beer:

cheesecaked

louby_lou wrote: »

Hiya cheesecaked.

We are separated now and have been for approx 3 months. I am seeing a counsellor to work through my codependence issues and build my self esteem. We don't live together any longer, and I could not imagine doing so through all of this - as a person who had been in such a long term relationship I would likely never have been able to delineate between the GF-me vs the single-me. I'd still be doing all the washing, hoovering, cleaning and all the while going through emotional anguish.

If you're codependent, or even just a little too enmeshed, not having the other person around is mind blowing on so many levels. I now have SO MUCH spare time - all the time and energy I had previously been spending on doing things for him (whether he had asked me to or not) cleaning for two, organising for two, cooking for two, earning for two, thinking about all the things that needed to be done to try to save the relationship - ARGH it drives me mad when I think how much I used to do and things still weren't right. I must say though, I don't hate him, (in fact I still love him very much) even though there was infidelity involved in the end of my marriage (on his part) I see it more as a symptom of the decay of our relationship rather than the cause. I'm not hanging on to anger about that, the relationship was dead long before he made his decisions. It just made me face the music earlier.

I am really alone now, but I don't feel lonely (much). I spend most of my days on my own doing things I like, working on losing weight, getting fit, running and getting well. I spend a lot of time with my family, and time with the one friend I had left. I'm spending time reading and watching the films I like, and getting back into music as I had no time to pursue listening or going to gigs (nor any interest in anything unless he was interested in it) cooking healthy food just how I like it and letting my cats sleep on the bed (victory! this was strictly banned before!). Maybe you could think of the things you would like to do if you had the opportunity and were free to do so? Like in your situation, my husband didn't stop me from seeing friends, but I felt it was 'easier' not to, and made myself available to him as much as I could because I told myself I enjoyed his company more. Bleurgh. How ridiculous that seems to type.

If you think you would benefit from seeing a counsellor to talk through you issues before making a decision maybe that would be helpful, mine is a fantastic soundboard for all the craziness I cook up on a weekly basis. I would also say that couples counselling can also not only be to save a relationship, but also there to help you end it in as healthy a way as possible. We never made it that far, but I think it might have helped to end it more gracefully than it did.

Above all, I think that we must all truly believe that we deserve to be happy, and if something isn't doing that or at least working toward it, then things should change.

I wouldn't want to look back on my life thinking, I was terribly unhappy but at least I was loyal to him / the memory of the relationship.*

*sorry for the ramble!

Not at all, thank you for your ramble! It sounds like things are heading in a good direction for you in the end at least good luck with everything.

It's not that I don't have the time to do all the things I want to do. I have an abundance of time alone now which makes me unhappy. And because I'm unhappy I'm not doing anything, I feel in limbo. I feel like I need to know where I stand before I can do anything at all.

Like you I seem to be picking up all the boring stuff, however they will happily cook which is great except now they're hardly around to do so. It used to sort of be on the edge, I'd be happier if things were different but I could just about cope with the compromise. But now things have changed and it has pushed me over that edge, I feel very resentful. I think I compromised to much in the first place anyway and I wouldn't be happy to going back to how things were before, things would have to change. (Though as I say I'm sure they'd say the same about some things)

I flat out refuse to pick up the pieces left behind, if they don't want to do any cleaning I'm sure as hell not doing it any more (as I said just one of the issues, not the sole one as I'm making it sound!) Hence our lovely nice new flat is slowly descending into a dive. It's just too stressful to live like this day-to-day. An element of me feels a bit selfish like I just want things all my own way for a bit, I ought to compromise really but the current state is just taking the p***.