Have you ever left a relationship, even though you loved the other person?

cheesecaked

Have you ever left a relationship, even though you loved the other person but you just knew it wasn't working?

I'm sorry but I'm gong to be very vague in explaining as I don't want to go into specifics. I'm just struggling to believe it's come to this. We've been together over 7 years but since we were young, which I don't think is helping. We have had some great times together and I really love them as a person but we have some fundamental differences I think which can only be ignored for so long. It was fine when we were young but I think we're both having a bit of a mid-20s crisis (!) and thinking hard about where we want to be in the future. I'm starting to get very angry with the way they are acting lately, which makes me want to throw in the towel, but I know how lovely they can be and it makes me very sad to be thinking that way. They are kind of trying a bit to make things better but it's not enough. I feel like perhaps deep down I know it's not working, so do they, but we still love each other and it's making it impossible to know what to do. It's not all one-sided, there are things they struggle with about me too.

It would mean a complete lifestyle change for me if we broke up as it's all I've known as an adult, I don't have any family nearby and not really any close friends to speak of. I feel like this is part of the issue, I haven't 'grown' as an individual person and perhaps I need this break to be able to do this. But just can't imagine actually breaking up.

Just wanted to hear other people's experiences?

PS Cannot promise to reply quickly!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Yep. It wasn't easy, but it was definitely the right thing to do. Had we stayed together, we would have destroyed each other.

marisco_2

Yes, it was very difficult at the time but was and still is the best decision I ever made.

You know this guy best and whether staying in a relationship with him is right for you or not. It really depends on what your fundamental differences are, as to whether they can be overcome by both being willing to talk things through, listening to each others opinions and trying to reach a compromise. Holding different views on major life goals is another matter altogether though.

skint_chick

I walked away from a relationship with a guy I was totally crazily in love with because I couldn't deal with aspects of his lifestyle. We'd started to argue and I was getting frustrated over the same issues that we just couldn't resolve and although he asked me to marry him and we lived together in a lovely house I knew I had to walk away for my own sanity. It ended horrifically and I can't say that I don't look back with regret and think of how it could have been, but I know deep down it was the right decision especially as the issues I walked away for have continued. I thought about it for a long time and hated having to do it and it took a lot of willpower and strength to go through with it and not slip back but I am happier for it today. Have you thought about moving forward with your own life, making friends, connecting with old friends, starting a course or volunteering doing something fun etc to see if it's just boredom from a long term relationship? Have you talked through all the issues thoroughly?t

It's always going to be difficult to break up with someone if nothing specific is wrong- no-one cheated etc - but if the relationship is preventing you from being truly happy then you should do what makes you happy long term. You have another 50 years or so of life and don't want to be in the same position every year - as long as you tried it's not a failure that your relationship didn't work it's just that everyone is different!

ciderwithrosie_2

Yes I did, and moved 200 miles away to start a new life, because I knew if I stayed around it would be too easy to slip back into familiar routines. Once out of the situation I could see his flaws (and mine) and where we'd gone wrong.

My parents later confessed they'd never liked him and referred to him as 'the pig', so although they hadn't wanted me to take such drastic action as moving away, they were glad I'd woken up and ditched him.

It sounds like you've given your all to this relationship at the sacrifice of friendships with other people. That's never healthy IMO, you need to have your own interests and friends, because as you're finding, when it goes pear-shaped, you're left with no life outside of you and him.

fluffnutter

Yep. It's heartbreaking but if you don't you'll destroy yourself.

fluffnutter

As an aside, I bet it's far more common that women do this.

louby_lou

I'm doing this now. To make matters worse we are married, but for less than a year and if I'm brutally honest I think the marriage sort of hid the problems we were having because we were so busy. We too were together for nearly 15 years (literally half of both of our lives) so I don't know who I am as a single adult either, I hope to find out.

Don't do what I did and ignore problems hoping they will go away or that the other person will change. They won't, and they shouldn't have to as long as they're not abusive or mean. Everyone has a right to be happy as the person they are.

I'm a co-dependent and sacrificed my friends, hobbies and interests in favour of keeping the relationship going. I really, really regret that now, but am trying to make progress in repairing old friendships and looking forward to starting new ones.

I long to be happy again but now realise I must be happy alone before I can be with anyone else, much less rely on someone else for my own happiness. I hope by the time I am 30 next year I will be living a very different (single) life. Good luck.:o

cheesecaked

marisco wrote: »

Yes, it was very difficult at the time but was and still is the best decision I ever made.

You know this guy best and whether staying in a relationship with him is right for you or not. It really depends on what your fundamental differences are, as to whether they can be overcome by both being willing to talk things through, listening to each others opinions and trying to reach a compromise. Holding different views on major life goals is another matter altogether though.

Yes. I'd love to stay with them but I'm just not sure it's possible. I think some of the problems could be overcome but I'm not sure they want to, e.g taking an equal share in housework is just one thing. I've always felt like it's been an uphill struggle but now their friends have just moved nearby and I hardly see them and they don't do a thing anymore. Part of me thinks well I could just get on and do all that stuff myself, alone, but why the hell should I? It can't be just one of us has all the fun and the other does all the boring stuff. This issue might sound a bit trivial but it's just on top of all the other issues it adds up.

cheesecaked

skint_chick wrote: »

I walked away from a relationship with a guy I was totally crazily in love with because I couldn't deal with aspects of his lifestyle. We'd started to argue and I was getting frustrated over the same issues that we just couldn't resolve and although he asked me to marry him and we lived together in a lovely house I knew I had to walk away for my own sanity. It ended horrifically and I can't say that I don't look back with regret and think of how it could have been, but I know deep down it was the right decision especially as the issues I walked away for have continued. I thought about it for a long time and hated having to do it and it took a lot of willpower and strength to go through with it and not slip back but I am happier for it today. Have you thought about moving forward with your own life, making friends, connecting with old friends, starting a course or volunteering doing something fun etc to see if it's just boredom from a long term relationship? Have you talked through all the issues thoroughly?t

It's always going to be difficult to break up with someone if nothing specific is wrong- no-one cheated etc - but if the relationship is preventing you from being truly happy then you should do what makes you happy long term. You have another 50 years or so of life and don't want to be in the same position every year - as long as you tried it's not a failure that your relationship didn't work it's just that everyone is different!

Thanks for sharing that (and everyone else btw). I'm not bored, I'd happily stay together. I think they are though, they have stopped trying (mostly), though I can appreciate that they may have come to the end of their tether with me a bit in my problems, but then I think they perhaps also need to do some thinking about whether or not it's worth continuing if that's the case. They are thinking just the same way I am, I think, and I think we both know what's best but can't actually do it. There's always that nagging 'but what if things could change?'

We have talked through all the issues yes, they know they are being selfish and have said as such but can't promise to change. This is what has lead me to this position, it's just a sort of verbal confirmation of what I probably knew, that you can't really change a person.

I just find it hard to understand, I just think the ways they are being selfish is unacceptable to any relationship really, so part of me is saying 'but surely they have to change' but of course they don't have to.

cheesecaked

And yes it would be so much easier if one person had done something outright wrong, like cheating! I feel like I could easily recover from that compared to this.