Visitor Dilemma

paulineb_2

Well, it will be interesting to see if the hospitality is extended in the other direction when she does get her inheritance through, if that were me, Id certainly treat someone.

Hermia

Person_one wrote: »

She might not even have that money yet anyway, it can take a while for an inheritance to actually appear.

I agree. Does she actually have the money? It took several months before I inherited when my mum died and in that time I was having to pay bills on two houses.

I have to admit I did let people pay for things in the weeks after my mum died simply because I was in such a daze and they took over. I did pay everyone back once I had inherited though (despite their protests!)

Belmont57

Thanks for everyone's replies. I do feel a bit mean just raising this and I know I'm feeling a bit vulnerable as I lost my husband not that long ago and things have been really tight financially since. I think main question I was going to try to raise is how to raise the matter of finances with visitors generally? If you're on a very tight budget, do you simply not have visitors and perhaps put those off who ask to come and stay, or do you mention that things are a bit difficult and maybe there can't be the trips out that you would have liked to offer in better circumstances? If you were visiting someone, how would you feel if your host/hostess seemed to expect you to pay for yourself?

Pollycat

What situation do you want suggestions about?

It's too late for the visit that has just ended.
Some people just take advantage and may be too thick-skinned to take hints.
I really dislike people who don't/won't put their hand in their pockets, unless their financial situation is such that they can't - which is very different to 'don't' and 'won't.

So - even though she is due a large inheritance - is she a 'don't/won't' person or (at this moment in time) a 'can't' person?

If you know she has money and has just taken advantage of your generosity, put it down to experience and don't invite her again.

Dunroamin

Person_one wrote: »

I wonder if she's telling people about her lovely time with a wonderful relative who welcomed her into her home and didn't even let her pay for a cup of coffee, she was so hospitable. Maybe about what a refreshing change it was when so many people seem to be eyeing her with pound signs in their eyes since her mum died. Maybe she's wondering what she can do for you next time.

She might not even have that money yet anyway, it can take a while for an inheritance to actually appear.

That doesn't excuse "suggesting" take aways and meals out when somone else is paying! What sort of visitor would ever dream of doing this?

BitterAndTwisted

You had the opportunity to discourage her when she invited herself.

You had the opportunity to deny her the days out etcetera when they were proposed if you'd just bitten the bullet and been totally honest about your resources.

If you can't afford to extend hospitality to those visiting, you need to be candid about it from the first. If you're clear that your budget won't stretch to another mouth to feed and/or entertainment then decent people would not come or offer to contribute. But people don't know anything about your circumstances unless you are totally honest with them.

Person_one

Dunroamin wrote: »

That doesn't excuse "suggesting" take aways and meals out when somone else is paying! What sort of visitor would ever dream of doing this?

True, but I'm giving the benefit of the doubt due to the OP mentioning her inheritance.

lostinrates

Belmont57 wrote: »

Thanks for everyone's replies. I do feel a bit mean just raising this and I know I'm feeling a bit vulnerable as I lost my husband not that long ago and things have been really tight financially since. I think main question I was going to try to raise is how to raise the matter of finances with visitors generally? If you're on a very tight budget, do you simply not have visitors and perhaps put those off who ask to come and stay, or do you mention that things are a bit difficult and maybe there can't be the trips out that you would have liked to offer in better circumstances? If you were visiting someone, how would you feel if your host/hostess seemed to expect you to pay for yourself?

We budget quite tightly routinely so that we can splash out more when we have people here. Its not for everyone io know, but we delight in it.

However....there are limits. We, for example, would not buy takeaway ...its not our style, we cook from scratch partly because we like to and partly be a use we can provide better for less. If someone was using for takeaway we'd explain that we simply don't live like that, kindly but firmly. We would probably suggest alternative food if what we were offering was severely unpalatable.

With someone in grief in the family a nice touch might be to make some old family recipes together, better versions if the joke was that the old members of the family couldn't cook. E.g. Dh's step grandmother made the same awful meal every time the family visited, when she died I made a nice version of it and it made DH laugh and cry happy/sad tears and we chatted about her for the evening over supper.


Edit....

A couple of years ago we thought we might have to have a family member of our generation for a protracted stay. We talked about this and determined we would balance this by having him work for his keep. It would have been t feasible, giving him pride and self sufficiency and saving us from feeling used, but becoming a mutually beneficial arrangement until the person found something more suited to him.

maman

There was a thread a few weeks ago along similar lines and I was amazed how differently some people view guests/hospitality.

I stayed with my brother last weekend. A bit like penguingirl, I arrived with wine and flowers. We went out on Saturday and stopped for a light lunch. I was determined to pick up the bill. As it was family I did whatever I could to help practically (clearing table, making drinks etc.). That's my idea of how to be a good guest/host.

I've heard other people suggest that guests are taken to the supermarket and asked to pay for groceries, provide their own snacks, contribute money etc. To me that's a step too far.

I think for future reference a compromise is needed. If you really can't afford any additional cost then you'll have to be honest and tell her money's tight for you. If you could afford basic menu at home but not going out/take aways then you'll have to explain that. If she has any courtesy then she'll say 'don't worry, my treat' and be glad of the opportunity to repay your kindness. If she can't see that then maybe she's one to avoid.

floss2

Belmont57 wrote: »

I've just said goodbye to a visitor who has been staying with my daughter and I for a week. The visitor had pretty much invited herself but she's a distant relative who has just lost her mum and I'd made that vague "you must visit some time" statement at the funeral and I am, afterall, now her nearest relative. However, my careful budget has been blown totally out of the water this week with the extra food, cups of coffee and cake from coffee shops, trips out etc. and I'm left feeling really resentful that this girl, who recently inherited a six figure sum from a trust fund, did not offer to pay for anything! To be honest, I'd probably have refused if she'd offered, but she didn't. How do other people deal with visitors? I did try to tactfully say that money was a bit tight when she suggested yet another take away or meal out but it just didn't seem to register or she implied she'd treat us but then didn't. Any suggestions?

Just a couple of thoughts:

Perhaps she knew that you would refuse and therefore didn't want to put you in that position?

Perhaps her "six figure sum" is tied up / isn't as large as rumoured?

Perhaps her mother (whom she is grieving for and as a result may well not be receptive to comments) had instilled in her that "we don't discuss money"?

Perhaps she simply didn't realise you were on a budget - did you mention anything, or are you such a good manager that it isn't easy to work out your financial situation?