Visitor Dilemma

Belmont57

I've just said goodbye to a visitor who has been staying with my daughter and I for a week. The visitor had pretty much invited herself but she's a distant relative who has just lost her mum and I'd made that vague "you must visit some time" statement at the funeral and I am, afterall, now her nearest relative. However, my careful budget has been blown totally out of the water this week with the extra food, cups of coffee and cake from coffee shops, trips out etc. and I'm left feeling really resentful that this girl, who recently inherited a six figure sum from a trust fund, did not offer to pay for anything! To be honest, I'd probably have refused if she'd offered, but she didn't.
How do other people deal with visitors? I did try to tactfully say that money was a bit tight when she suggested yet another take away or meal out but it just didn't seem to register or she implied she'd treat us but then didn't. Any suggestions?

pukkamum

As she's already gone I would say all you can do is not invite her again.

Gigglepig

If you are her closest living relative, she just lost her mum, and you invited her... I would just bite the bullet and suck it up. Life is too short and it is too late now that she has left.

When things have settled down a bit, ask if you and your daughter can stay with her for a week, perhaps she will show you the same hospitality.

Battleaxe44

Put it down as a lesson learnt.

I cannot imagine not chipping in to help pay cost for my hosts.

You never know you might get a card with a nice cheque enclosed or even a big bunch of lfowers to say thank you for your hospitality.

Some people just do not think.

fluffnutter

On what to do next time? As you say, she's left now so unless you're going to invoice her there's not much you can do.

If she stays again, be clearer about what you expect. Who suggested the trips out and the coffee shops? Did you or did she? Just don't pay for stuff. When you arrive at your destination for a nice day out, just buy yourself the ticket, just buy yourself a coffee. It might feel rude, but it will stop you feeling resentful. She'll soon get the message. And if she gets the hump about it, she probably won't stay again and at least you'll a) understand more about her motivations for visiting and b) save some money.

Out of interest, how old is she? Youngsters are fairly clueless about this sort of thing. It's not rudeness as such, more a lack of life experience.

krlyr

I think all you can do is be firm. E.g. Telling her you can't afford takeaway, don't pay for it - if she insisted, let her pay (you could have offered to pop her to the cash machine beforehand if she wanted to pay in cash, or popped there to collect making it clear you were without your purse).

As she's family, I'd have been tempted to say from the get-go - "Sorry, but my budget just doesn't stretch to an extra person in the household right now. You're welcome to stay, but I will have to ask that you cover the cost of your food, let me know if you want us to nip to the supermarket when you get here, or I'm home from Xpm if you want to arrange an online shop"

paulineb_2

I wouldnt ask someone again who had just inherited a six figure sum and couldnt even buy a cup of coffee. Recently bereaved or not that is taking the !!!!.

penguingirl

I really don't understand people who don't pay for things, on what planet is it ok to not do anything? I don't think it's an age thing- I am young but still pay my own way. I stayed with a friend last week who wouldn't let me chip in for takeaway (her OH had paid via card online), so we when went out for breakfast the next day I just bought hers plus sent some flowers after and had arrived with a bottle of wine. Likewise when friends stay with me they have always covered their costs when we go out so my only costs are extra cooking (which I don't mind) and I can't remember a time someone turned up empty handed.

There's not much you can do about it now (other than eat your words if she sends you amazing flowers or some gift vouchers, but that seems unlikely). Just out of interest, why would you have refused if she'd offered to pay for coffee? I wonder whether you unintentionally gave a vibe that you were happy to pay. I think if there is a next time you will have to be more blunt (before she even arrives) about saying money is tight, and maybe ask her to pick some bits up for you on her way over?

LEJC

I think the way to look at it is you've done your bit....invited her to stay,clearly shared your hospitality and extended it without seeking anything in return.

You may now be her closest relation but you do not owe her anymore,and its very difficult to maintain a balanced relationship with anyone when its one sided in as much as you offer,and she takes

Now perhaps send birthday and christmas cards to her but leave the direct contact out of it.

Person_one

I wonder if she's telling people about her lovely time with a wonderful relative who welcomed her into her home and didn't even let her pay for a cup of coffee, she was so hospitable. Maybe about what a refreshing change it was when so many people seem to be eyeing her with pound signs in their eyes since her mum died. Maybe she's wondering what she can do for you next time.

She might not even have that money yet anyway, it can take a while for an inheritance to actually appear.

FBaby

I agree with Gigglepig. She just lost her mum, you offered an invite, she just accepted it thinking she would find some comfort in visiting her closest remaining relative. So it blew your budget out. Surely however inconvenient that might be, it didn't cause such hardship that it wasn't worth the comfort that the invite brought to that person.

I see it to the same level to when your boiler breaks down just at the moment you had just saved enough money for a holiday. It is highly frustrating, but one of those things that happen and for which you at least have the comfort that you will be securily kept warm for some time.