Visitor Dilemma

FBaby

I think it totally depends on each circumstances. If I made an open invitation to people, i would expect to pay everything. If however the suggestion of people visiting came about, and I didn't think I could afford it, I would either make my excuses saying that I couldn't take time off or whatever else if there were people I didn't know well, or if it was family or close friends I would be honest and say that I wouldn't be able to afford everything and would they mind contributing something.

In this particular case OP, you admit that you made the open invitation so I don't think it could have been expected that they should contribute, no matter how much money they have. In the future, I would make no such direct invitation, but if they said they would love to come back again and miss you, I would say that you would be delighted to see them, but things are a bit tight this time and you won't be able to afford to pay everything. Better to be honest than resentful, especially as it is very possible that they have thought about contributing, but didn't suggest it as worried to offend you. Some people (especially from some culture) would feel deeply insulted by this suggestion.

fabforty

How old is she?

ska_lover

and the award for 'the most petty thread' goes to...

OP, you really need to investigate the difference between being a host to family members who are grieving, and running a bed and breakfast.

You knew your budget before going into coffee shops etc - noone forced you to splash out.. you knew you couldn't afford it, so were obviously expecting to get reimbursed

It is a crying shame that this woman has come to you for some support after loosing her mother, and as her closest living relative, all you can think of is who is paying for coffee..Shame on you

Troutwrestler

I would go visit her....and drink alot of coffee....and eat alot of cakes...and maybe take an interest in lots of lovely places she could take me too..and pay for


Grief isn't an excuse for being tight

EDIT just read the thread...I know..bad but I skimmed....this person is related to you op..totally differnt in my book....when it's rellys you kinda have to suck it up...or go visit her and eat her out of House and home...:p

LEJC

I have to say I think ska lovers comments come across a little harsh,although there is an element of truth in what has been said...
Although I also think that you were very obliging in offering her the opportunity to come and stay, its a comment that we all make in passing.... never usually expecting the offer to be accepted!!!!

I wonder as well if its a generation thing, not disprespectful but the younger relation not thinking that perhaps finances are an issue for you,afterall she may see you as someone whos worked all their life so must be financially stable etc etc...

possibly she will send flowers or chocolates or at least a thank you card for your hospitality...but however nice a bunch of flowers looks its probably an extravagance of £50 that you would rather have been spent elsewhere...

I was always bought up to "treat other as I would want to be treated myself".... and as such I like to think I am a giver and whilst I dont expect return favours it really is nice when sometimes the burden is shared .

Battleaxe44

When husband before current one died, I was offered a bolt hole, to help me. it never crossed my mind not to contribute to my hosts funds. I had a lovely six weeks, we took it in turns to pay for eating out, the coffee shops and the like.We went shopping for grocer ies, I would pay the bill. After all i was cooking breakfast dfor everyone each day, something they didn't hdo as they would eat out for breakfast normally. Hostess hates cooking... When I left I place an envelope with money in it to help pay for the utilities with a little something extra and of course had flowers and a basket of fruit sent to my hosts.

it could be an age thing, but this was how I was raised. I've had rellies stay, and they took advantage because rumour had it I was loaded...Everytime they suggested eating out, I would ask, if they were paying, the tune changed quickly..When they left I had bare cupboards and all the rest of it. they aren't staying with me again. Never even got a thank you note..oh they also borrowed my car and did not fill the tank...

I don't think the OP is petty. I do hope though you get a nice card saying Thank you...

Mojisola

maman wrote: »

I've heard other people suggest that guests are taken to the supermarket and asked to pay for groceries, provide their own snacks, contribute money etc. To me that's a step too far.

To be fair, I think this was only suggested for visitors who had shown themselves to be completely immune to contributing either financially or practically. In one case, the host was sent a list of the food the visitors wanted her to have in the house when they arrived!

maman

Mojisola wrote: »

To be fair, I think this was only suggested for visitors who had shown themselves to be completely immune to contributing either financially and practically. In one case, the host was sent a list of the food the visitors wanted her to have in the house when they arrived!

Some posters suggested that as a solution to the particular issue which is fair enough.

What I had in mind was people who seemed to expect guests to contribute financially when they stayed or someone who IIRC arrived and then went out with host to do weekly shop and paid.

pmlindyloo

I think having visitors on an extended stay is fairly straightforward.

I would not dream of setting out what they are expected to contribute - if I asked them to stay then I would be expecting to provide for them.

Most people would bring gifts/offer to give some money towards food/pay for a meal or two etc etc.

When a visitor says 'let's go for a meal' then you say, Oh, I feel a bit embarrassed but we're on a tight budget so don't do meals out, let's have ..........instead and treat ourselves to a bottle of wine''

This then gives the opportunity for your guest to know the financial situation and either eat in or foot the bill/treat you.

Anyone who didn't do this would just not be invited again!

CH27

How old is the girl?
Maybe nobody has taught her how to be a guest & about general etiquette.