Visitor Dilemma

Hermia

CH27 wrote: »

How old is the girl?
Maybe nobody has taught her how to be a guest & about general etiquette.

I think a lot of people aren't taught this. I know I have just cobbled it all together as I've gone along. It's also so different from family to family. I know with my relatives the host pays for all the food in the house and any other house-related costs (and would be mortified if someone tried to contribute even if the host was skint). But, meals out and takeaway costs would be split and the visitor would usually pay for one meal out or buy a present.

CH27

Hermia wrote: »

I think a lot of people aren't taught this. I know I have just cobbled it all together as I've gone along. It's also so different from family to family. I know with my relatives the host pays for all the food in the house and any other house-related costs (and would be mortified if someone tried to contribute even if the host was skint). But, meals out and takeaway costs would be split and the visitor would usually pay for one meal out or buy a present.

I have too.
I'm very concious of teaching my son stuff as situations arise.

Kayalana99

I think it really really depends how old the girl is and I think some of these posts are quite harsh since we don't know!

If you live with your parents and never had any money of your own and all sudden your mum dies and a realative asks you to stay for the week perhaps it didn't cross her mind because shes never actally had to think of it before. I mean if she was 12? even with 30k or so in the bank she would have no concept of money...but if she was 17 it would be a whole other situation as shes pratically an adult.

paulineb_2

to be fair
this was said in the opening paragraph

How do other people deal with visitors? I did try to tactfully say that money was a bit tight when she suggested yet another take away or meal out but it just didn't seem to register or she implied she'd treat us but then didn't.




Grieving or not, if someone said to me money was a bit tight I wouldnt be saying lets have another take away or hint that I would treat someone and then not

I dont think the OP has anything to be ashamed about.

paulineb_2

ska_lover wrote: »

and the award for 'the most petty thread' goes to...

OP, you really need to investigate the difference between being a host to family members who are grieving, and running a bed and breakfast.

You knew your budget before going into coffee shops etc - noone forced you to splash out.. you knew you couldn't afford it, so were obviously expecting to get reimbursed

It is a crying shame that this woman has come to you for some support after loosing her mother, and as her closest living relative, all you can think of is who is paying for coffee..Shame on you

Closest living relative, they arent close relatives from the way the OP described it

She invited herself. We all have different budgets. Imagine the OP is on benefit or has a part time wage.

I worked part time last year, I earned just over 80 quid a week. I couldnt have afforded to take someone out for one meal, never mind meals plural or bought takeaways.

I had a friend staying with me for a couple of days and I bought all the shopping, we also went out for one cheap pub lunch. They didnt have much money either but I spent more on them than they did on me as they were my guest

But no way could I have afforded to put someone up for a week unless we stayed in and they ate the same meals as me.

The OP says the money is carefully budgeted for, which suggests they dont have a lot of spare income

And if I were in the position of having a four figure sum of inheritance, five or six, as soon as that money came through Id be making a gesture to the person who put me up for a week, took me out and bought me takeaways.

No one should be ashamed that they dont have a lot of spare cash.

ska_lover

No, no one should be ashamed of not having spare cash and that is obviously not my point if read the sentence in which I say 'shame on you'...but the lack of support during a bereavement seems to have been turned into a petty rant on a internet board about having to pay for coffees... ??

I do not see the correlation between asking someone to come and stay with you - and then when they do, accusing them of 'inviting themselves'?? If you do not want house guests, do not invite them. SIMPLE. That is pretty obvious too.

I know that this is MSE, but this thread sucks. Not EVERYTHING in life revolves around money money money!!

There is no empathy or sympathy for a grieving relative - just a complaint about who is paying for coffee. Pathetic..

Kayalana99

ska_lover wrote: »

No, no one should be ashamed of not having spare cash and that is obviously not my point if read the sentence in which I say 'shame on you'...but the lack of support during a bereavement seems to have been turned into a petty rant on a internet board about having to pay for coffees... ??

I do not see the correlation between asking someone to come and stay with you - and then when they do, accusing them of 'inviting themselves'?? If you do not want house guests, do not invite them. SIMPLE. That is pretty obvious too.

I know that this is MSE, but this thread sucks. Not EVERYTHING in life revolves around money money money!!

There is no empathy or sympathy for a grieving relative - just a complaint about who is paying for coffee. Pathetic..

And to add insult to injury if someone suggests a takeaway at your expense and you can't afford it a simple no we don't have enough would all you'd have to say... if OP really couldn't afford any of it...she wouldn't of done it.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Belmont57 wrote: »

Thanks for everyone's replies. I do feel a bit mean just raising this and I know I'm feeling a bit vulnerable as I lost my husband not that long ago and things have been really tight financially since. I think main question I was going to try to raise is how to raise the matter of finances with visitors generally? If you're on a very tight budget, do you simply not have visitors and perhaps put those off who ask to come and stay, or do you mention that things are a bit difficult and maybe there can't be the trips out that you would have liked to offer in better circumstances? If you were visiting someone, how would you feel if your host/hostess seemed to expect you to pay for yourself?

You say

'You are every welcome to stay but we are pretty tight for cash at the mo, so we can't join you on trips out as we just can't afford it.'