Am I being unreasonable?

cakeforbrains

I wonder if anyone can help me with this.

My sons, aged 11 and 9 live with me and my husband and have contact with their dad and his wife one weekend in two. In the holidays he has them for a bit longer. They are currently with him for a week.

Now, this morning, via pictures on Facebook, I discovered that their dad has had their hair cut. They both have reasonably long hair for boys. One has had a short back and sides, shaved in at the back, and the other has had a few inches taken off losing his sweeping fringe. This is not the first time this has happened. In fact, it's happened a number of times over the years and my ex knows that it really gets my goat.

The boys wouldn't have been held down kicking and screaming, but nor would they have asked to have their hair cut either. Their dad and step mum would have arranged it.

Also, possibly a few of you might remember from a thread I made recently that both the boys have had nits in the last few weeks. In the week or so leading up to them going away I have spent hour upon hour lovingly combing through their hair every day with a nit comb. When their step mum came to pick them up I asked her politely to continue the nit combing and she 'joked' "oh, we'll just chop it all off". We all laughed. I naively thought that the fact she joked about this meant she wouldn't do it.

Neither my ex or his wife ever consult me about cutting the boys' hair. They just deliver them home with drastically changed styles. Last time it happened I bit my tongue, but the couple of times before that I have quietly asked for them please not to do it. I don't know whether this is unreasonable of me or whether other parents would feel the same. I'm not talking about a little trim here, but a drastically changed style.

Also, I know that in years to come they are probably going to shave their hair off and dye it blue or whatever, but I somehow feel that while they are young I have the right to be consulted in the hair cutting process??

Incidentally, I had planned to try to avoid this happening this time by taking them to a hairdresser myself before they went (for a less drastic cut) but because we've been constantly battling these nits I didn't feel I could.

Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?

BitterAndTwisted

No, you're not being unreasonable but what can you do? Nothing now. They've had nits as the perfect excuse to wind you up because they know it will. Parents don't like to be told what they can or cannot do, especially when they think they know better.

Rise above it.

Person_one

I hate seeing those 'sweeping fringes' on children, I have to say. It just seems like their hair's always getting in their eyes.

At 9 and 11, they are old enough to say no to a haircut or to tell the barber what they want, are you sure you have the full story here?

red_devil

cakeforbrains wrote: »

I wonder if anyone can help me with this.

My sons, aged 11 and 9 live with me and my husband and have contact with their dad and his wife one weekend in two. In the holidays he has them for a bit longer. They are currently with him for a week.

Now, this morning, via pictures on Facebook, I discovered that their dad has had their hair cut. They both have reasonably long hair for boys. One has had a short back and sides, shaved in at the back, and the other has had a few inches taken off losing his sweeping fringe. This is not the first time this has happened. In fact, it's happened a number of times over the years and my ex knows that it really gets my goat.

The boys wouldn't have been held down kicking and screaming, but nor would they have asked to have their hair cut either. Their dad and step mum would have arranged it.

Also, possibly a few of you might remember from a thread I made recently that both the boys have had nits in the last few weeks. In the week or so leading up to them going away I have spent hour upon hour lovingly combing through their hair every day with a nit comb. When their step mum came to pick them up I asked her politely to continue the nit combing and she 'joked' "oh, we'll just chop it all off". We all laughed. I naively thought that the fact she joked about this meant she wouldn't do it.

Neither my ex or his wife ever consult me about cutting the boys' hair. They just deliver them home with drastically changed styles. Last time it happened I bit my tongue, but the couple of times before that I have quietly asked for them please not to do it. I don't know whether this is unreasonable of me or whether other parents would feel the same. I'm not talking about a little trim here, but a drastically changed style.

Also, I know that in years to come they are probably going to shave their hair off and dye it blue or whatever, but I somehow feel that while they are young I have the right to be consulted in the hair cutting process??

Incidentally, I had planned to try to avoid this happening this time by taking them to a hairdresser myself before they went (for a less drastic cut) but because we've been constantly battling these nits I didn't feel I could.

Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?

they are old enough to have their say about their hair cut, if they dont want one they should tell their dad.

elsien

Purely to give another perspective.
My brother is in a similar situation to your OH with regard to living arrangements. His ex likes the children to have longer hair. However they are telling him that they would prefer it shorter but mum won't let them as she wants them to keep it long. On a number of occasions he has really wanted to take them to get it cut, especially when one of the boys was getting teased. He is not able to discuss it with the ex as she is of the opinion that it's nothing to do with him.
It's entirely possible that what the kids are saying to you and what they are saying to their dad are two different things.

double_mummy

its hair unless the boys are really upset about it then dont worry do you consult him every time you take them for a hair cut.......no? why ever not!!!!!!!

these threads are getting annoying now it is hair and all children with those sweeping fringes look like idiots and have dodgy necks from doing the flick the entire day

tea_lover

I think it is a little bit unreasonable tbh. As their Dad, surely he has as much say in what their hair looks like? And it's hair, it's not like he's tattooing them when they're staying with him. I would have thought the children were old enough to say no to something they really didn't like.

hannah899

When the kids come back I would ask them subtly if they wanted there hair cut. Even just saying to them "oh if you wanted your hair cut you should have asked me, I would have taken you" they may say it was a spur of the moment thing and they wanted it. then if it was a forced thing then get on the phone and tell him. My dad used to do things that he knew would really p*** of my mum. but he was quiet intimidating so as kids we couldn't say no

marisco_2

As with kids, when dealing with ex's pick your battles. At 9 and 11 they couldn't have forced your sons to have their hair cut a particular way if they weren't agreeable to it. When they return home happy, healthy, well fed and looked after I would honestly not even mention the hair cuts.

seven-day-weekend

Their dad is their parent too, why should it just be what you want? Although there could have been some discussion.(also they are old enough to have input themselves).

So yes, I do think you are being a bit unreasonable.

ognum

It's hair, it will grow but it's not the hair you are really bothered about I don't think? It's taking control of something that you believe you should manage or am I wrong?

I think there are more questions about this than there are answers.

Did the boys ask for a haircut?
Could they have said no?
Is this about you and your ex?
How does his new partner fit in?
have the boys been bullied?
How do they want their hair?

You really need to sit down and talk this through with all the parties involved. It really isnt a question of reasonable or unreasonable it's a need to communicate!