29wks pregnant, violence, exhausted, no-one to help

Brewstersmum

You're bothered about his business??

Leave now. That level of violence in front of a 1 year old is seriously not on. what if the mirror would of smashed on your child? what if he got cut? would you leave then? thing is the scars from ben cut are superficial but the mental scars your child will be left with seeing daddy treat mummy like that will last forever.

Sod things and your career, you owe it to your children to keep them safe.

aileth

Please go to Women's Aid or to the Police who can point you in the right direction.

You shouldn't be worrying about his business, you should be worrying about your children, born and unborn.

paulineb_2

needsomehelppls wrote: »

Hi i need a bit of help, I'm 29wks pregnant with no3, same partner of 15years.
I've been running his business with him for over 5years, working my backside off, 10hr days, 7 days a week etc

This pregnancy I've been really struggling, I dont have time to eat, I've been passing out. I'm 4 weeks late for my midwife app as I dont have time.
I have a 1yr old & a 5yr old.
No family, friends, anyone for support in time or emotion

Today I've been in pain, braxton hicks starting, thrush, dizziness etc. Partner has heard me whimper, sharp intakes of breath, even 'ow, ow, ow' when I moved too quick earlier. Not one word or concern.

Tonight, completely shattered after making dinner at 10.30pm he announces he is going to bed & leaving me with everything to do & 1yr old to put to bed ( he had a long sleep late afternoon as busy in day)
I start to complain, I need help, I'm not coping, please help me.
He is tired, he is going to bed.
Please I'm serious, I cant cope, I'm worrying about the baby, no check ups (i've lost 3)
I go to bed, and send a long message (seperate rooms)
please help me, i cant cope, do you not care about my health? our baby? I'm not eating, I pass out, I am not being a good mum to the children. Why do you not care etc
He goes crazy, shouting, threatening, warning me to leave him alone.
I text, I'm not scared of you, your not a big man to shout at me when I need help.
He storms in, throws a full length mirror at the wall, shattering over bed & floor. 1yr old still in my room in bed.

What can I do? I have nowhere to go, no-one for me
i have never been hit, but this is the worst of a long line of violent activity.

If i leave I have nothing, no money, debt, no home, all the work for his business for nothing. I don't even have a car as broken

2 children and pregnant, in the middle of a breakdown, what are my options? Everyone asleep but me. Massive business deal meetings at work this week that i have spent months preparing for. Can I let it all fall apart, as it is my childrens financial future, even if not mine!

You dont have time to eat? Youve been passing out? Come on. If you have time to feed your kids you have time to feed yourself, it takes 2 minutes to make a sandwich.

Youve had no check ups with this baby and youve lost 3? I really am sorry for what you are going through from what youve said, but now you just sound irresponsible.

Youve been pregnant 6 times with someone who treats you like dirt and you arent looking after yourself this time around and you havent even had a check up?

Why?

krlyr

aileth wrote: »

Please go to Women's Aid or to the Police who can point you in the right direction.

You shouldn't be worrying about his business, you should be worrying about your children, born and unborn.

After 5 years slogging away, maybe it's her part in the busines she's worrying about?. When leaving him is playing on her mind, I can't blame her for wanting to keep the business afloat for some financial security.

OP, could you take maternity leave or get signed off work? That gives you a medical reason to give to future employers if they want to know why you left the business as it is. Yes, it will complicate things but that happens in businesses. Ultimately, it's only a job - would you forgive yourself if any of your children suffered as a result of you not removing yourself & them from this volatile situation because of a few business meetings?

I agree with contacting Womens Aid. Even just browsing the website may help you in your situation and in deciding where to go next - http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Gigglepig

OP are you self employed? I am not sure how sick leave and maternity leave works if you are, but perhaps someone on here knows how it works. If you are passing out, it sounds like you are ill and should be signed off sick.

Perhaps women's aid can advise you on whether you could get a court order to have him out of the house, so you and the kids do not need to move. and also how you can keep your part of the business.

If you accept this behaviour from your OH it might just continue or even escalate. I would make it very clear immediately by my actions that this sort of behaviour is completely unacceptable and that I was not putting up with it.

If you want to work on your marriage perhaps try to book couple's counselling for example through Relate?

Please also see your midwife asap and mention your concerns to her, she may also be able to get help.

LannieDuck

I agree with the others - Women's aid is the way to go.

There was a thread on here some time ago (unfortunately I can't remember the poster's name), of a youngish woman who had to move out of her family home with her young child when her family threatened to take the child away. She was worried she'd lose her university place. She didn't - she got a council house, sorted out childcare, did it all herself. She was brilliant. There's no reason at all that you can't leave if you want to. Women's aid will help you.

If you refuse to do that yet, then you need to get your priorities straight. Your health and your children's health comes first. Make time to have lunch, even if it's only 20 mins and a sandwich. Does your OH have lunch? Why should you be working harder than he is when it's his business?

Leave work at a reasonable time to get the children to bed earlier. You'll all be happier for it. You might have an important week at work, but your sanity is more important than your work.

marisco_2

needsomehelppls wrote: »

This is the only time ever has the children been at risk of injury/harm (glass on floor now)
If we go, we lose everything!

Not to put too fine a point on it, if you stay you are likely to lose far more than if you leave.

Children should never be put at risk of injury or harm. For that risk to come from their father is horrendous. This may be the first time this has happened, but it is a line that should never be crossed. Now it has been you can guarantee it will happen again. Abuse always escalates.

Op you need to get your priorities in order and focus on the safety and well being of yourself and your children. You live with a man who is aggressive and who has little to no self control, you're isolated, reaching a point where you feel you are having a breakdown and are not looking after yourself whilst 29 weeks pregnant.

Contact the police and /or Women's Aid and get away from this toxic situation fast.

tiger_eyes

bagpussbear wrote: »

Then why on earth did you get pregnant again for goodness sake!

paulineb wrote: »

I also agree, if you have been living with a violent man for a long time why on earth did you even consider having a third child with him?

OK, for the record, it's a well-known phenomenon that abusers persuade and coerce their partners into becoming pregnant to exert control over them. They pretend to be trustworthy, they manipulate their partners into thinking the relationship is solid, they sabotage birth control, they refuse to use condoms, they force their partners into sex. So suggesting that the OP must be at fault is not terribly helpful.

needsomehelppls

This isn't a wind up, it's not a joke. I am a joke. My life is a joke!

Why am i still here? after so many years? When you have come from an abusive home, to be told no-one will ever love you, no-one will ever care about you, you are worth nothing. You are fat, ugly and will go nowhere in life, someone can give you the tiniest bit of affection & you think you've met your Prince Charming. I moved straight from family home to his home. Prove my family wrong, show them what I'm worth.

Then it changes, but you don't realise you are being controlled again, you don't notice the put downs, you think it really is you that is the problem, your not good enough, you never will be. You do anything to be loved, it's your fault.

Then you start to wonder if there is something more, that its not you, that maybe there is something wrong with this other person, and they are the one making you feel worthless. So you answer back, stand up for yourself, then it goes on to a massive scary arguement, then you know you have to leave. Pack bags, get ready, then they are sorry, they realise you could leave. Then it all changes, for weeks, months even. You are sold the dream, get married, be happy, have everything.
And that carries on, because nothing gives you the strength to leave.
Your not one of those pathetic women who gets beaten up & stays, you not like them. You've never been hit, what do words really mean? Doesn't everyone argue? Won't you just be alone, for so long, then if you ever met someone who showed you an interest, won't it just be the same? Maybe it is you? If your mum thought it, and now your partner thinks it, maybe you do that to people? Maybe you are the problem.
What if the next one is worse? He does beat you? He sleeps around, gambles your money away, cant keep a roof over his head?
And you go through life, and find this was the best you were ever going to get?!

Now does it sound real? Now can you understand why it wasn't easy to just go year ago, go to what? I told you so's and see what your worth?!

But now, it might be enough, the thought of my children ever being harmed, if only by accident, or indirectly, that needs to be enough.

fabforty

needsomehelppls wrote: »

This isn't a wind up, it's not a joke. I am a joke. My life is a joke!

Why am i still here? after so many years? When you have come from an abusive home, to be told no-one will ever love you, no-one will ever care about you, you are worth nothing. You are fat, ugly and will go nowhere in life, someone can give you the tiniest bit of affection & you think you've met your Prince Charming. I moved straight from family home to his home. Prove my family wrong, show them what I'm worth.

Then it changes, but you don't realise you are being controlled again, you don't notice the put downs, you think it really is you that is the problem, your not good enough, you never will be. You do anything to be loved, it's your fault.

Then you start to wonder if there is something more, that its not you, that maybe there is something wrong with this other person, and they are the one making you feel worthless. So you answer back, stand up for yourself, then it goes on to a massive scary arguement, then you know you have to leave. Pack bags, get ready, then they are sorry, they realise you could leave. Then it all changes, for weeks, months even. You are sold the dream, get married, be happy, have everything.
And that carries on, because nothing gives you the strength to leave.
Your not one of those pathetic women who gets beaten up & stays, you not like them. You've never been hit, what do words really mean? Doesn't everyone argue? Won't you just be alone, for so long, then if you ever met someone who showed you an interest, won't it just be the same? Maybe it is you? If your mum thought it, and now your partner thinks it, maybe you do that to people? Maybe you are the problem.
What if the next one is worse? He does beat you? He sleeps around, gambles your money away, cant keep a roof over his head?
And you go through life, and find this was the best you were ever going to get?!

Now does it sound real? Now can you understand why it wasn't easy to just go year ago, go to what? I told you so's and see what your worth?!

But now, it might be enough, the thought of my children ever being harmed, if only by accident, or indirectly, that needs to be enough.

If you really mean this, then a lot of good advice has already been given. Contact the police, Women's Aid or Refuge for help and advice. Sorry, but no-one on here can give you the help that you need - we can only urge you to seek the help that is out there.