29wks pregnant, violence, exhausted, no-one to help

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

sallysaver wrote: »

Totally un-necessary. Hope you're never in the same position. Just what you achieve out of statements like this is beyond any normality

On the other hand, there are regular troll threads in exactly that vein.

bagpussbear

tiger_eyes wrote: »

OK, for the record, it's a well-known phenomenon that abusers persuade and coerce their partners into becoming pregnant to exert control over them. They pretend to be trustworthy, they manipulate their partners into thinking the relationship is solid, they sabotage birth control, they refuse to use condoms, they force their partners into sex. So suggesting that the OP must be at fault is not terribly helpful.

I am not suggesting the OP is at fault, indeed she isn't responsible one bit for the hubby's behaviour. But she is responsible for bringing yet another life into the world under the wrong conditions.

I could understand her going ahead with another baby if her hubby was doing the 'good guy' routine and lulled her into a false sense of harmony/security. If he forced himself upon the OP then again I could have absolute 100% sympathy. However, if either isn't the case, then I don't believe why she could not have taken/have some sort of contraception, in secret if need by, knowing full well things were not 'right' in this relationship.

OP I am sorry if my comment offended, that actually wasn't my intention. I guess I genuinely don't understand why some women go on to have more kids with a man that is so obviously unsuitable to be a father, and sometimes I get frustrated when I hear of women making bad choice after bad choice.

However, I do think there is some good advice on this thread, particularly the Women's Aid suggestion, I hope you are able to get out safely with the kids, let his control go, and make some good choices for yourself and the kiddies from now on.

paulineb_2

needsomehelppls wrote: »

This isn't a wind up, it's not a joke. I am a joke. My life is a joke!

Why am i still here? after so many years? When you have come from an abusive home, to be told no-one will ever love you, no-one will ever care about you, you are worth nothing. You are fat, ugly and will go nowhere in life, someone can give you the tiniest bit of affection & you think you've met your Prince Charming. I moved straight from family home to his home. Prove my family wrong, show them what I'm worth.

Then it changes, but you don't realise you are being controlled again, you don't notice the put downs, you think it really is you that is the problem, your not good enough, you never will be. You do anything to be loved, it's your fault.

Then you start to wonder if there is something more, that its not you, that maybe there is something wrong with this other person, and they are the one making you feel worthless. So you answer back, stand up for yourself, then it goes on to a massive scary arguement, then you know you have to leave. Pack bags, get ready, then they are sorry, they realise you could leave. Then it all changes, for weeks, months even. You are sold the dream, get married, be happy, have everything.
And that carries on, because nothing gives you the strength to leave.
Your not one of those pathetic women who gets beaten up & stays, you not like them. You've never been hit, what do words really mean? Doesn't everyone argue? Won't you just be alone, for so long, then if you ever met someone who showed you an interest, won't it just be the same? Maybe it is you? If your mum thought it, and now your partner thinks it, maybe you do that to people? Maybe you are the problem.
What if the next one is worse? He does beat you? He sleeps around, gambles your money away, cant keep a roof over his head?
And you go through life, and find this was the best you were ever going to get?!

Now does it sound real? Now can you understand why it wasn't easy to just go year ago, go to what? I told you so's and see what your worth?!

But now, it might be enough, the thought of my children ever being harmed, if only by accident, or indirectly, that needs to be enough.

In your first posts you came across as saying what your partner was doing wasnt that bad.

Now you describe the life youve had with him as being less than positive.

I hope what youve had is a massive lightbulb moment and what I do understand is, when you arent being battered up and down the place it can be very hard to realise that what you are suffering from is abuse

By the way, I dont think anyone who gets physically abused and stays is pathetic, far from it. There are numerous reasons why people stay and Im sure youve had yours.

Life can be bloody hard at times, thats all I can say and no, it doesnt sound like your childhood home was good and if your self esteem is low, you are ripe for someone to take advantage

But you have choices. The past is the past. You have a chance to make a future for you and the kids

Theres a family friend of mine going through a very similar situation, she has two kids, one 9, one 2. She was never beaten but she was controlled and she didnt realise the extent of it

Shes a professional person and so is he, but she didnt work for years, that was another part of the control and shes gone from having millions, because thats what hes worth, to having very little, because hes trying to make her life hard and deny her money

But having said all that. Shes 100 times happier being away from him and so are the kids, you can see that when you see them and in the months Ive known her, as shes my mums friend, Ive seen her grow in confidence

Life may not be perfect for her and shes poorer, but shes happy, she has freedom, she has no one controlling her and upsetting her kids.

The next few months might be rocky but I can assure you, if you are really being abused and have been over a number of years, stepping out on your own away from the fear and the violence, you'll have a better life.

Peace of mind, you cant put a price on that.

thatgirlsam

Sorry to hear you're going through all of that. Pregnancy makes you very vulnerable and there are men that will take advantage of that. Does the abuse get worse during the pregnancy or is he like that all the time?

I don't want to alarm you but at some point your Midwife will want to know why you are not attending appointments. Take this opportunity to tell her the truth. She will help you.

DarlingBuds

Watch the films sleeping with the enemy. Plan your escape, go to solicitors to discuss business, call private landlords about rent in your area, speak to council about help.

Do whatever you can, but don't talk yourself out of eventually leaving.

It's easier to stay, but that can't give you the freedom you feel when you aren't scared anymore.

Best of luck xxx

Racheldevon

Regardless of whether it's actual physical violence it's an abusive relationship & I can assure you the police have specially trained domestic abuse officers, who focus purely on supporting victims of domestic abuse - it does not have to be physical. You can call your local police station and ask to speak with these officers. From here the ball can start moving - you don't have to take it down a legal route but it's the start of a process to becoming safe - not only yourself but the safety of a) your unborn baby & b) your other children.

Not attending your midwifery appointments is potentially jeopardising the wellbeing of both yourself and the unborn baby.

You can be linked into all sorts of support services, housing and various other options to keep you safe, and it can happen very quickly. You can be supported through pattern changing courses and much much more.

You also mentioned that your child was present when the mirror was smashed - witnessing these behaviours will be having an impact on your children. You need support & help to leave, and i'd strongly encourage you to leave, access and take full advantage of all the support available to you in order to safeguard yourself & your children.