Just about had as much as I can take of this....very upset

southernscouser

donner_kebab wrote: »

sometimes I look back and think why did I bother with getting a degree at Uni and trying to get a good job and a career cause I have nowt to show for it but a mountain of debt

You may have a load of debt but it sounds like you've got a little girl who adores her mummy aswell.

If you need any excuse at all to sort this out I think she's it.

If you want to make a better life for you and her, sit yourself down, take a deep breath and let us help you tackle all of this head on. I promise you won't regret it.

rog2

Hi D_K,

I am really sorry to read about your situation, and I would echo the advice posted about going to CAB. You can, equally, get free, confidential and impartial advice from CCCS or PAYPLAN (Links at top of page).
If the advice is that Bankruptcy is your best solution, then pop along to the 'Bankruptcy and Living With It' sub-forum, where you will get lots of advice from people who have gone through what you are currently going through.
It is not that bad.

southernscouser

I tell you what you have got that you are going to need for this journey. And thats guts and courage.

You've been through some !!!!!! but come through the other side. You should be bloody proud of yourself for that. :beer:

OK, it's a difficult situation, but by no means impossible.

Firstly see this guide for a SOA. Give us as much information about the debts as possible. Do you know if any of them are solely in his name? :think: If they are you are not liable for them. Even if they are at your address or addressed to you.

Secondly, have you incurred any charges on your bank account or any credit cards for late payments, bounced direct debits etc? You can claim these back.

If you have any payment protection on any credit cards, phone up and cancel it. It's very rarely worth the paper it's written on.

There will be alot of advice thrown at you from a lot of wonderful people but try not to feel overwhelmed. Take it one step at a time.

rog2

D_K - you say that it is difficult to get to CAB because you are working. In that case go to http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=474452
This thread was started by alwaysonthego who has just completed her training as a CAB adviser, and has offered advice to anyone who needs it.
Why not send her a PM?

tigerfeet2006

Hi Donner,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I second Rog's advice to ring CCCS. They offer an excellent service and you can talk to them when it suits you. What ever they advise then you can come on the DFW or the BR board for the support you need.

Please try not to worry about the banks threats to much. There is a very long drawn out process they have to follow and it will be a long time before anything happens.

As for the mess get some boxes label them 'to keep', 'charity', 'ebay' and rubbish (the rubbish box line with a black bag.) Then set an alarm for 15 minutes and spend that time with your daughter just picking things up and putting them in the boxes. It's amazing how much you can get done in 15 minutes. When the 'keep' box is full then go and put the things away from it (again in a 15 minute blast if it helps), when the charity box is full pop it in the car to take in when you are next in town, the ebay box can go by the computer when full for you to sort out in the evening (possibly in 15 minutes bursts per night if it helps.) The rubbish box you just whip out the bag when full and pop it in the bin and a new bag goes in the box. It's amazing what can get done in one 15 minute stint a day. Look after yourself.

Snaggles

Hiya Donner - not much to add in addition to the replies you have already had, but just wanted to say try not to get upset about the threats from the bank - at the end of the day, if you havent got it, you cant give them it, so even if they take you to court, the judge would only make you pay what you can afford - theyre just making empty threats hoping to scare you into paying them more than you can afford.

donner_kebab

Just wanted to say a huge thank you to each and everyone of you...I nearly cried earlier whilst reading all your replies because it is an amazing feeling to think that there are people out there who generally care and can offer advice etc so thanks! I have wrote a letter to the send to the bank and tonight need to get a list together of all the people I owe money too so that I can include that too (which will also help me produce a soa), rather than using their silly form which seems to only be interested in whether or not I have things like a car which I could sell...makes my blood boil, one the said they have been writing to me and from the looks of one on the letters they included they were writing to me at my ex's address, they claim the froze the account when I did and ask me to surrender cards which I did in 2005, it is as if they never check their records and just send us all out standard letters demanded money or else we will be up in court with the baliffs round. Makes me sick, yeah I am the first to admit I have been an idiot trusting this guy but I know that even though he may have filed for bancrupcy, he still would not have had his LB moment and I just hope there is such a thing as karma for the beatings etc I took at the hands of him...like you say, I have my daughter to think of and want to be a positive role model, so from this day forward I ain't gonna take being treated like !!!!!! anymore and if that means loosing my current guy due to lack of support (as all he can say is he is sick to death or hearing about it) then so be it, cause at least we are all friends here and I know I can get through this with everyones help! Gotta put myself and my daughter first now...why does it take stuff like this to realise that!

hypno06

As you say, you have to put yourself and your daughter first. Everything/everyone else is less important.

I hope you have a good day today.

hev_2

Hi

Just believe in yourself. You are a wonderful, talented person. You love your daughter to bits and you have been bright enough to go to Uni. I wish I could hug you right now!

I really want to send loads of love and hugs, because really, that is what you need. The tiny fragments of advice that I can offer are:

Don't blame yourself for what your ex did to you. Nobody held a gun at his head and made him hit you. You do not state it explicitly, but physical violence is often hand in hand with mental abuse, and to be strong enough to break away is amazing - you have done something fantastic for you and your daughter.

Check out the Flylady thread on OS Money saving. It will help you bring a bit of order to your house and your life. The most important thing I learned from that is 'your house didn't get into that mess in one day, it will not get out of it in one day'. It applies to an awful lot of things.

When I was in a bad place, I wrote lists. If I needed to phone someone, the list might read '1. pick up phone. 2. dial number 3. Ask for x...' Sometimes everything is so overwhelming that it is easier to break things down in to small chunks, and if you are in a bad way, then the chunks needs to be really small.

Be kind to yourself. You have a lovely daughter, you have found strength in the past. Give yourself permission to pick yourself up slowly.

Allow yourself time to heal. The end of any relationship is like a bereavement. You have broken free from an abusive relationship. Allow yourself to be upset sometimes. Then carry on.

Really, what you need are loads of hugs, and I hope you can find the light at the end of the tunnel. I admire you for being strong enough to get this far. Take care of yourself.

Hev

Running_man

Hi DK
You have already done the most important thing in your life>Getting rid of the scumbag who used to hit you.
Everything else though important will get sorted.
Keep posting on here there are alot of people who will try to help.New boyfriend why do you want to stay with someone who is not there for you.Ditch him take a deep breath and when ready find someone who appreciates you.
Im with liz tidy house tidy mind and if i wasnt on here could have both lol