My Marriage

geoffky

Hit the road...He has no respect for you...Find a equal partner.Good luck.

MrsAnnie

LannieDuck wrote: »

Someone hits me while driving, I would pull over and demand they get out. If they refuse, I would call the police.

Actually, I'd probably call the police anyway. No-one gets to hit me.

Spot on.

I wish more girls were taught this growing up.

FopMistress

I registered because this is very similar to my own situation, only that my husband never hit me. My relationship has recently ended. My husband, when he is at his best, is kind, charming and good company. He also has a hidden side to him that only I ever saw - he was volatile, manipulative, sulky, moody and I would often walk on eggshells around him. He also made me temporarily leave the house for a few hours because I couldn't bear his shouting and rages. He would bang his laptop and ball his fists and even wipe his mouth because of the spit flying out. He would threaten to leave if I was distressed and every few months he would have late night rants at me where all my so-called faults would be picked apart and I would end up saying whatever he wanted to hear to make him stop. He was also controlling when it came to money i.e it was alright for him to spend £80 at a time on clothes but if I came home with something he would always ask how much it was in a way that would make me feel bad about spending money on myself even though I work and made me feel bad about wearing clothes only I liked. I begged him to get help for his anger issues many times and left him a few years ago because of it - I went back because I didn't want to give up on my marriage. No-one deserves to feel nervous or frightened in their own home.

It's only now that he's out of the house - he left of his own accord - that I am able to realise that I was not responsible for his behaviours. I searched "emotional abuse" on the internet and realised this is exactly what was going on. My family and friends have been amazing and have given me the strength I need to slowly pick up the pieces. You can do the same - this is NOT your fault. I would call Refuge or Women's Aid. I wish you all the very best.

itsanne

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

one incidence of violence

The one incidence could have killed them both.

There is no excuse for violence.

puppypants

The one incident whilst driving could also have made you veer into the path of an oncoming coach load of children! Not acceptable at all. x

marisco_2

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I would be reluctant to write off a 15 year relationship solely on the basis of one incidence of violence.

I disagree. There are lines you just don't cross in a relationship and violence towards a partner is one of them.

ilovelondontown

I've been in an abusive relationship before, when I was younger and unable to find the strength to tell anyone what was going on. When you're in this situation it is very hard to see anything clearly without a clouded judgement (his) and when you constantly hear him justifying his ways, after a while you start agreeing with him. - Hence why you feel like a failure.

"he's had it tough with mh issues" "I started the argument so he had a right to hit me" etc etc. The bottom line is you've posted here because something you've been feeling inside and knowing is wrong is finally starting to ring true on an objective level.

You're not posting to ask if you should stay with him, you're asking how you start to end this after 15 years and with someone who is likely to not let you go quietly.

You need to start by confiding in people in real life, people who can give you somewhere safe to stay, who can support you financially if need be. If you have money that is in a joint account move it around so you have some that he cannot touch, if anything gets abusive in text/calls/voicemails keep them for legal purposes later when it comes to getting a divorce (which isn't priority right now)

I remember when I was seeking counselling at the time and I was trying to explain to the person I was talking to how scared I was about the repercussions of leaving him and she put it quite simply.

You are not responsible for his actions, no matter how extreme or scary they are, he and he alone will make the decision that will affect his life, the only thing you need to do is be responsible for you.

It's THAT simple.

Start looking after you now.

Mojisola

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I would be reluctant to write off a 15 year relationship solely on the basis of one incidence of violence,

Deleted_User wrote: »

I've been with my (2nd) husband for over 15 years. It hasn't been great from the start, he was never a drinker/alcoholic but had the propensity to shout at times of stress. Initially I used to cry and he used to say when you stop crying I'll stop shouting, I did stop crying but nothing changed.

We have had good periods, when he is calm and not stressed he is lovely and will do anything for anyone. He is moody and stubborn though and gets stressed very easily.

On Saturday an argument started over something silly, he got into a rage and we came home earlier than expected and didn't do the thing we had arranged for Sat during the day.

On the way home, I was driving and he hit me. It didn't affect my driving but I was scared so had to pull off the road, this got him even angrier and he was shouting so loud. He said he was leaving me on the way home, he has said this before and left for the night (once). He has suffered mh problems in the Past (10 yrs ago) and said then he would kill himself and I always worry when he leaves in case this will happen, tho he has said it wouldn't, as I would feel responsible.

Now we are home he has not mentioned anything about leaving again. I said we needed to talk but he is refusing to talk and getting angry when I suggest it. He says we have tried talking befoee but cos I won't listen there's no point.

It's not "one incident of violence" - the violence sounds like the last straw after years of emotional abuse.

candygirl

CH27 wrote: »

If he's hit you once he will do it again.
Make a stand now & get out.

AMEN!!Please take care hun x:(

Vicky123

Marisco has explained in post 12 perfectly the workings of an emotionaly abusive relationship and how so many last as long as they do.
Pity more people are not aware, most especially the court system, despite all the information out there women are still disbelieved on the basis of "If it were that bad why didn't you leave sooner". The thinking is often if I try harder he might change, they rarely do.
Just recently we have seen the Nigella story and heard people doubt he could have been an abuser as this is a very rich woman with a supportive family who could have just upped and gone, this completely misses the point of how emotional abuse works.