My Marriage

[Deleted User]

Hi
I am a longstanding poster on mse but, due to this being a very personal issue, I felt I had to make an anonymous post.

I've been with my (2nd) husband for over 15 years. It hasn't been great from the start, he was never a drinker/alcoholic but had the propensity to shout at times of stress. Initially I used to cry and he used to say when you stop crying I'll stop shouting, I did stop crying but nothing changed.

We have had good periods, when he is calm and not stressed he is lovely and will do anything for anyone. He is moody and stubborn though and gets stressed very easily.

On Friday we went to house sit a niece's house as she is away on holiday. We went out on Friday night, had a lovely time. On Saturday an argument started over something silly, he got into a rage and we came home earlier than expected and didn't do the thing we had arranged for Sat during the day.

On the way home, I was driving and he hit me. It didn't affect my driving but I was scared so had to pull off the road, this got him even angrier and he was shouting so loud. He said he was leaving me on the way home, he has said this before and left for the night (once). He has suffered mh problems in the Past (10 yrs ago) and said then he would kill himself and I always worry when he leaves in case this will happen, tho he has said it wouldn't, as I would feel responsible.

Now we are home he has not mentioned anything about leaving again. I said we needed to talk but he is refusing to talk and getting angry when I suggest it. He says we have tried talking befoee but cos I won't listen there's no point.

I don't know what to do. I feel a failure. My 1st husband orchestrated that split (he was having affair(s)) and it took me 3 months to tell ppl about that.

Where would I go, what would I do.
Please help.

I'll answer any questions you ask truthfully.

Thank you.
Deleted_User xx

Own_My_Own

I don't have any answers but I know one thing - you are not a failure.

Tiglath

Leave, my love, before the violence escalates. You're not a failure, and you should look after yourself. Being in no relationship is better than being in the one you describe.

Pennysmakepounds

Im going to be Harsh here...Sorry..

Why do people put up with Spouses that are complete and utter SAD GITS and abusers....

If i was in your situation i would have told him/her to eff off then....

This is all about control and adults that act like kids needs to be treated like kids....

There i said it.....Sorry...

poet123

If he leaves whatever he does is down to him. You can only control what you do. If he has hit you once he will do it again. You don't mention children, but regardless, you do need to let him leave/make him leave/leave yourself, in that order.

marisco_2

OP why do you think you are a failure? You do accept that no matter what anyone does it does not justify another person shouting at them to the point of making them cry, using intimidating behaviour, leaving them fearful that they may do themselves harm or give them any right to hit you? From what you describe of your husband he sounds like a verbal bully who has little to no self control and anger management issues. Have you been living like this for the past 15 years? Is this the first time he has hit you?

I would recommend that you contact Women's Aid. They are trained professionals use to helping women in your situation. They wont rush you into any decision about your future, just offer practical advice on how you could handle things and what your options are. I am so sorry for all you are going through and hope you will be okay. Take care.

elsien

Firstly the only person responsible for his actions is him.
Secondly, this seems to be all about him, his moods, him leaving. You need to be letting him know that's its not all about him and his wants, there a strong possibility you've had enough and want out.
He cannot hit you then pretend nothing has happened. And he had to know that if he tries it again you will call the police. And he has to know you mean it.

A couple of questions. Most importantly, do you feel safe to carry on living with him. If not, contact women's aid for help. - is the relationship worth salvaging if he can get his anger under control? Does he want to work things out? Does he see anyone about his moods, as if not then perhaps he should. If you both want to try to work things out, have you tried counselling, eg relate. That way you both get listened to.

You need to work out what's best for you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

danih

Please contact women's aid.

What he did is NOT your fault.

kelpie35

I can't offer any more advice than you have been given already.

He has over stepped the mark by hitting you and it will only get worse.

I hope you find the strength to either put him out or leave him.

Please take care of yourself.

Gigervamp

Pennysmakepounds wrote: »

Why do people put up with Spouses that are complete and utter SAD GITS and abusers....

Because when it first happens, you think it was a one off incident, because he was angry and just lashed out without thinking.

After that, you start to think that it must be your fault, something you did or didn't do, said or shouldn't have said etc.

And he can be lovely and when he's lovely, everything is good. So you try to modify your behaviour around him so as not to start a row.

That's just some reasons.

paulineb_2

Pennysmakepounds wrote: »

Im going to be Harsh here...Sorry..

Why do people put up with Spouses that are complete and utter SAD GITS and abusers....

If i was in your situation i would have told him/her to eff off then....

This is all about control and adults that act like kids needs to be treated like kids....

There i said it.....Sorry...

Because its not always that easy. Most relationships dont start out badly and by the time someone has been chipping away at your self esteem theres often mixed emotions going on.

Ive been in two relationships that were emotionally abusive and Im intelligent and I think sensible. I also saw one of the cleverest people I know end up in a relationship that was abusive, violent as well, in those days it was harder to get someone to leave and much less support, she later found out his first wife divorced him for mental cruelty, hard to do in those days

I learned lessons from what I will and what I wont put up with in both of those relationships. I left the second one, much later than I should have, but Im very glad I did.

Yes its about control, yes its about power. Its very very hard to get away from someone who is threatening suicide and saying they'll kill themselves if you leave, particularly if your self esteem is already fragile.

Abuse is not a simple issue, if it were, no one would ever end up in an abusive relationship.

OP, all I can say is, I do think on the basis of what you have posted, you need to start making plans to leave and soon.

Theres information and advice all over the internet. Id also like to say that you arent responsible for this mans threats of ending his life.

If he did end his life, that still wouldnt be your fault, you cant be blackmailed into staying.

Your safety has to come first.