Crossroads

izools

To be honest it was hardly my decision.

I awoke this morning to his phone alerting a facebook message and found a whole thread between him and a friend of his.

The things contained within painted a picture of my OH loathing every molecule of my makeup and "what I've done to him" and his friend agreeing with every word, even suggesting he change the locks while I'm out.

He saw his phone in my hand and before I had a second to say anything he launched into a diatribe about how dare I be so nosy. He of course knew precisely what I was reading.

Re: Insolvency

No longer being his carer means that I now have absolutely no source of income whatsoever.

Having voluntarily given up a job that wasn't untenable also means I'm ineligible for JSA.

Similiarly, having voluntarily exited the tenancy agreement on my last property means I'm ineligible to apply to the council under the homeless route.

I therefore have to leave the proceeds from my fire sale in the bank to live off until I find work agian.

Mother has agreed to put me up but of course I will have to contribute.

However if I were to declare myself bankrupt, I'd loose the money I have in the bank which I need to support myself between now and finding work again.

It would be nice if there were a way to do my OU course but I think I'll have to pull out until after I've had some counselling and found work again.

mummyroysof3

Who told you you can't get Jsa? As I said hubby applied then had to supply details of why he left job after his first sign on session. I would double check that. What about income support? If looking for work anything even if its part time will do.


I'm sorry that you have had to end up doing this but I really do hope it will get better from here for you.

Re the ou....have you paid or got loan?

izools

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

Who told you you can't get Jsa? As I said hubby applied then had to supply details of why he left job after his first sign on session. I would double check that. What about income support? If looking for work anything even if its part time will do.


I'm sorry that you have had to end up doing this but I really do hope it will get better from here for you.

Re the ou....have you paid or got loan?

RE: Your OH & JSA - the difference between his situation and mine is his job became untenable. Mine didn't.

Re: OU - I applied for a loan from the SLC, but spoke to OU and I have until 4th October to back out fee free.

Thank you for your continued support everyone, and I think I would feel much better getting my mental health, and then work and finances under control before I start studying.

mummyroysof3

At least that gives you some time to get yourself sorted and make your mind up what to do.

Who told you that though? You left job to care for a partner a few months ago yes? Not your fault that he has now told you your care is no longer needed and told you to leave so have you explained that to job centre?

NAR

izools, count yourself lucky you are getting out of this relationship before you get hurt any more. He sounds like a real piece of work that you are well shot of.

Thankfully you have a bolthole with your mother, which hopefully won't cost too much, whilst you get yourself sorted with another job.

Good luck for the future.

izools

Well I suppose I can at least get myself signed off for anxiety and depression whilst I seek counselling which will enable me to claim ESA.

Gigglepig

Sorry you are having a tough time, but it isn't all bleak? Here are my suggestions...

- if you feel very down or have suicidal thoughts please speak to your GP asap to get help
- if you offer to do things like shopping, but your OH sorts i out himself, surely that could be a good thing, giving you more time to focus on other things. Maybe he doesn't want to burden you too much?
- you have already made a good dent in the debt, keep going and you will be financially freer sooner or later? The debt free wannabe board on MSE will help.
- it is brilliant that you have the energy and initiative to study, and at least you have some time to think about fees before deciding on withdrawal
- in the meanwhile, would you consider looking for a job - if you do decide to leave your OH in the end, perhaps step 1 would be to find a job first?
- could you go to couple's counselling, to discuss how things are working out, and improve communication?
- if you decide to stay put but not as a couple, could you split the flat to have your own space?

Edited to say, while writing my post several new posts were made, from these it does sound like the relationship may have completely broken down. I hope things improve for you soon OP.

tesuhoha

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You are at the bottom so now you can start crawling your way up. You obviously have ambition so that will get you where you want to be. All you have to do is work hard and keep going.

I am sure you will be entitled to JSA eventually. Just go and sign on and see what they say.

skint_chick

I think you should apply for JSA nevermind that you left your job voluntarily, you left it to be a full time carer but now that role is no longer there for you. So you're job seeking again, then would you be entitled to room rate housing benefit to get you out of your mums? Or if not you'll have to make the best of living with her - plenty of people aged 26 are still at home so it's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not one for not paying back debt but now you have a default it's on your credit file for 6 years regardless so maybe now is actually a good time to look into bankruptcy/debt relief/payment plans. At least by proactively doing something even if it's only offering token payments of £1/month you are taking control of the situation, always a better position to be in than waiting for things to catch up with you.

Your ex is an idiot and it's definitely his loss but this doesn't have to be as bad as you think - this should give you the push to get your degree and make your life the best you can. I wouldn't mention OU to the jobcentre yet as you haven't decided for definite to do it and even when you start it shouldn't get in the way of your job. I know several people who study with the OU as well as working full time and having families to look after. I currently work 30hours a week, 2 volunteer positions and a part time Masters so it can be done with some hard work. It's a great distraction from your troubles too.

First stop GP to get yo, then jobcentre, you've still got 6 weeks to get your health, finances and future sorted before you even have to make your OU decision. I would check out the debt free wannabee board for help with your finances, the benefits board for help dealing with the jobcentre and I would see if you can talk to someone at OU about support they offer for students with additional needs too

Be gentle with yourself you've had a rough time recently, but don't let that put you off moving forward with your life

brians_daughter

Izools,
So sorry you are going through this

PLEASE check re JSA. My mother left her paid employment to be dads carer. She didnt have her mind on the job whilst there, suffered anxiety every time the office phone went as dad had ended up in A&E 3 times in a month due to being left home alone when he couldn't fend for himself 4 months later he left.

She could claim JSA as she had left to be his official carer. She provided evidence to JSA office ie she had applied for carers allowance etc and he was in receipt of DLA. The accepted this change of circumstance (them splitting up) had lead to her being unemployed and not a carer, they never questioned or commented on her leaving her position of 28 years as she provided the evidence to back up her claim.

Unless i am missing something here, its almost an exact situation?

I would also like to say to you that I ended up looking after Dad and he was exactly the same as you say your ex is/was with you. I will share with you a few things, i hope it may help somewhat?

After what felt like about a million counselling sessions Dad opened up and said he saw me as a hate figure, as things he could have easily done himself I was now doing. He was very independant up to getting ill and was very successful in his career.

To him the fact i had to 'look after him' only further compounded his 'failings' in life and i was a reminder of what he COULD NOT do, rather than what he could.

It took time but we worked through it and now I work and we have someone who goes in to sit with him etc and we do things together. for instance, instead of me assuming he cant do something i will ask him does he want me to help him do something.

Simple things like he loves gardening (the small amount he can do) and he talked of window boxes. we chose them together, he taught me all about the different plants that we planted and we took joint responsibility for them.

Using this exercise we were finally helping one another rather than him resenting me for doing the things he couldn't do, or for me assuming he couldn't do and i wasn't any longer resenting him for being such a miserable, unthankful sod with me when i was bending over backwards to help him.

Obviously all this took more than a flower box, but we applied it to as many aspects of our lives as we could. He taught me how to cook an old fave of his etc and in return i taught him how to use a PC.

You also need to think about YOU and YOUR NEEDS, you are a person too and need help, support and the likes - not just from him, but also others (friends, family, outside organisations). You need to seek assistance for how you're feeling ATM

If you looking after you means you no longer living with him then write a plan! Step by step, like a map. "Where am i now, where do i wish to be? How can i get there?"

I know it sounds a bit sh*t but i do it all the time, i am a visual person and having things in pictures or text makes it more attainable for me, somehow?

I wish you well, and keep posting for support

Anna
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