Crossroads

izools

Well isn't life fun.

So my OH suffers with a litany of health problems - scoliosis, sciatica, chronic neuropathic pain, autism, schitzofphreniform, chemical imbalance, etc...

I gave up work in March to become his full time carer but it seems that was done in vein. He's totally unable to show any love or care at all and we're arguing all them time.

He professes to love me but his demeanor and day to day actions suggest the polar opposite.

He also has a pathological addiction to video games.

It's clear things won't work out and he'd be better off without me.

Problem is, I'm over £20,000 in debt, unemployed, and have no home to call my own.

I'd been trying to resolve my debt issues by selling off my valuable property including my car, and have so far made nearly £6,000 which is sat in another bank account.

We had enrolled to do Computing Degrees with the OU starting in October as something positive whilst in a difficult situation, with a view to it enabling me to return to work once completed and support the pair of us with my then higher salary.

However given the state of affairs it looks like I will have to pull out. I have until the 4th October to do so and I won't be liable for any fees.

So where do I go from here?

I'm not eligible to go down the homeless route with the council.

Family aren't in a position to help either financially or with accommodation.

I doubt I'd even be eligible for JSA as I quit my job, it wasn't untenable and I wasn't fired.

Yes I might have several thousand in the bank but I also have a ginormous debt to service; if things had stayed as they are I would have had it clear by the time I graduated in three years but with what looks like our relationship ending I'd have literally zero income whatsoever.

Without the degree behind me the only work I'd be able to find is menial, at best white collar, and there's naff all of that around anyway; a friend of mine has been searching in vein for work for over six months now and nothing.

Quite frankly it seems I have no way out whatsoever; I'm keeping the suicidal thoughts from turning into action but it's incredibly bleak and I'm not sure how long I'll be able to hold them at bay for.

Ironic that I have the OH's medication under lock and key from when he tried to top himself the other week.

Obvs will speak to my GP but I have zero faith in them.

Hmm.

BitterAndTwisted

How would he be better off without you when you are his full-time carer?

This twenty grand debt hasn't just popped out from nowhere: presumably you had some action-plan to deal with this before you quit your job and lost your wages. What was it?

Toto

I'd head on over to the debt free wannabe board and post there. You'll get some useful advice with the debt there.

As far as the relationship goes, you really need to decide if this relationship is one that you want to remain in for the rest of your life? If not, and it sounds like a resounding no, then, where there is a will there is a way.

I would personally see my mental and physical health as a priority over the financial issue, so, my first step would be to look for a job, any job, a menial, no prospects, anything that will bring in some cash job. This will enable you to rent something, even if it's a room in a shared house. Anything is better than where you are, if, where you are is making you feel suicidal.

Remember that the steps you take now are the first steps, they won't be ideal, and they won't get you to where you want to be, but they are a start and can always be changed and improved. Any job can become a better job, as can a less than ideal place to live.

Debt can be dealt with over time, offer nominal payments for now while you get yourself on your feet. And remember, your OH is not your responsibility, he can with support from the right agencies take care of himself. Look after you x

izools

You'd think so wouldn't you?

No, with regards to quitting my job this came after I started having panic attacks at my desk at work; and one day had a break down - this was due to fear from what is happening to my OH at home. He had been admitted to A&E several times recently prior to my quitting due to having to fend for himself in the home despite being physically incapable of doing so.

I was in March faced with a choice: Take financial and career responsibility, or take loving and caring responsibility for my OH. It was one or the other and a decision I didn't make lightly.

And no of course the debt hasn't just "Popped up from nowhere"; it accumulated mainly due to having the worst possible luck with a litany of probably the most unreliable cars the second hand car market had to offer. Poor judgement on my part yes.

Whilst on paper I am his full time carer, he is actively disinterested in me helping him.

For example, I offered to put together furniture for our temporary council flat and before I knew it he had invited friends around to do it for me instead. I offer to go and do the grocery shopping and before I know it he's ordered it online. I offer to do the housework and he scurries around doing it whilst I'm in the shower in the morning - which he shouldn't of course because he is then physically incapable of moving for the rest of the day due to the amount of excruciating agony he's caused himself.

So he spends the day playing video games.

Any suggestion that he might benefit from expanding his horizons is met with rage and derision. Edit: I've been doing some research on his recent nightmares about being burgled and being killed and it seems he takes this as me trying to take away the most important thing in his life. Unfortunately I'm not in a position to accept a relationship where video games are the most important thing in my partners life, because frankly, then I wouldn't be his partner. His steam account would be.

We used to play games together a lot when younger - unfortunately, like everything else, he behaves as if the idea of playing games with me disgusts him, but is happy as larry to do it with his friends online.

I honestly believe I have tried very hard. For example last week we spent an evening where I just sat and listened - I asked what he likes about his life, what he doesn't, what he'd like to see stay the same, what he'd like to see change, and what his idea of a perfect day would be.

The following day we enacted his idea of a perfect day to the letter.

But nothing. Absolutely nothing No interest, happiness, anything.

Now don't get me wrong, he's having to cope with being told he can never work again and has always been very career driven It's hit hard. He's also facing bankruptcy due to his income as a Manager for an IT desk being pulled out from underneath him when the consultant told him in November never return to work and never even try to mount steps. His autism and chemical imbalance are making this impossible for him to reconcile.

I do my best to support him, at least I think I do.

But when he spends every waking hour doing his own thing, getting viciously angry when I suggest we do something that involves us as a couple, and actively circumventing everything I try to do to care for him, let alone showing no love care or understanding, what am I to do?

izools

Toto wrote: »

I'd head on over to the debt free wannabe board and post there. You'll get some useful advice with the debt there.

As far as the relationship goes, you really need to decide if this relationship is one that you want to remain in for the rest of your life? If not, and it sounds like a resounding no, then, where there is a will there is a way.

I would personally see my mental and physical health as a priority over the financial issue, so, my first step would be to look for a job, any job, a menial, no prospects, anything that will bring in some cash job. This will enable you to rent something, even if it's a room in a shared house. Anything is better than where you are, if, where you are is making you feel suicidal.

Remember that the steps you take now are the first steps, they won't be ideal, and they won't get you to where you want to be, but they are a start and can always be changed and improved. Any job can become a better job, as can a less than ideal place to live.

Debt can be dealt with over time, offer nominal payments for now while you get yourself on your feet. And remember, your OH is not your responsibility, he can with support from the right agencies take care of himself. Look after you x

Thank you Toto.

The difficulties I have are accepting such a life.

Having to cancel my OU course. There'd be no way to do it outside of being his full time carer, it's the only thing that provides me the time and income to be able to do it. It's something I've yearned for for so long.

Having to put my career back another five years.

Having such a meager income I'd have debt issues looming over my head ad infinitum.

Having to live with other people - I suffer from Autism too and this is very very very hard for me, I mean really pretty much insurmountable.

I already worked my way up from nothing when I was a teenager. I'd feel so angry that I'd have to do it again. I'd totally stop respecting myself or my life.

Yeah. I really need to speak to my GP.

BitterAndTwisted

Carers need support so they can carry on doing the caring. What support are you getting?

To be honest, your litany of dissatisfaction (because I don't know anything about his conditions) does sound like it's an expression of his illnesses. Do you feel that it's not relevant or that he's capitalising on them somehow?

mummyroysof3

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Why would you have to pull out of your course? I think speaking to your gp if you are feeling low and someone at the job centre about benefits would be a good start practically. Are all the debts in your name? Can you look into renting a room somewhere using your savings to start with? I think the debt will have to take a back seat ATM as you will need the savings more in the short term till you get yourself sorted. I'm assuming the flat you have now together is in joint names and you mentioned council so he will stay there alone yes?

NAR

You say you are £20k in debt, which I assume is growing due to additional interest being added every month. So why have £6k in a saving account, earning very little interest? Why don't you reduce at least some of the debt?

izools

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Carers need support so they can carry on doing the caring. What support are you getting?

To be honest, your litany of dissatisfaction (because I don't know anything about his conditions) does sound like it's an expression of his illnesses. Do you feel that it's not relevant or that he's capitalising on them somehow?

I am aware that a lot of his emotional state is due to his conditions couple with the great difficulty he is having dealing with the loss of his job and financial security yes.

But if this manifests itself in him carrying himself in such a way he behaves like I'm a thorn in his side nearly all the time, what should I do? How can I feel like I'm doing the right thing?

Why would you have to pull out of your course?

Because I'd have to work.

You say you are £20k in debt, which I assume is growing due to additional interest being added every month. So why have £6k in a saving account, earning very little interest? Why don't you reduce at least some of the debt?

I've only just sold my car and valuables this week, the money has literally just come in. There's a bit more to go on eBay.

And there isn't interest being charged, no. I owe £14,900 on a loan which unfortunately defaulted, and £9,000 on a credit card which is 0% for 18 months.

BitterAndTwisted

I'd say that having a decent sum stashed away rather than using it all to pay off debts isn't necessarily a foolish idea. This could be the OP's "bailing-out forever" fund. That could pay for accommodation and housekeeping money until she secures employment.

And I'm not certain that giving up your job to become a full-time carer precludes you from claiming some form of benefit as a single person later. I think that's one of the first things I'd be looking into in the same circs.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

How would he be better off without you when you are his full-time carer?

This twenty grand debt hasn't just popped out from nowhere: presumably you had some action-plan to deal with this before you quit your job and lost your wages. What was it?

He might not be; but sounds like the OP would. S/he's not legally obliged to stay there just because he has health issues. People can be complete dicks whether they have disabilities or not, after all.

Get a job, any job, as menial as it has to be, agency work, anything (I've scrubbed pebble dashed toilets in senior council executives' offices, waited on tables and dressed up as a flaming dolphin for kids' parties, for instance), then use that money to get yourself somewhere else to live then start again. Or use the money to move out and then get a job.

It's got to be better than the life you have now.