Sulking - Why?

aliasojo

fluffnutter wrote: »

Sulking is passive-aggressive behaviour and primarily used by those who find it difficult to express their emotions yet need you to know they're cross. If you adapt your behaviour to accommodate their sulking, it's also wielding power. If you don't, it's still a power game, just not a very successful one. Whether or not they have a reasonable right to feel cross is neither here nor there, it's just a manifestation of how they're feeling.

For some people it's easier to sulk than to say 'I'm cross with you'. It's invariably learnt behaviour and people who sulk have either learnt it directly from sulky parents or have grown up in a environment where directly expressing emotions was not the norm.

I wouldn't laugh at a sulker, it won't help. I'd just carry on as normal, as if they're not sulking. In the longer term they might want to explore why they find it so difficult to express emotion in a constructive way.

Google passive-aggressive behaviour. Personally I find it really tiresome. Thankfully I'm not married to a sulker.

Spot on imo. :T

no1catman

fluffnutter wrote: »

For some people it's easier to sulk than to say 'I'm cross with you'. It's invariably learnt behaviour and people who sulk have either learnt it directly from sulky parents or have grown up in a environment where directly expressing emotions was not the norm.

Sorry don't agree, more likely be from an environment where someone perceives little no chance of winning an argument. So what's the point -- in starting, just keep quiet, at least it makes a 'point' in not talking!

Hezzawithkids

My OH is the same, his sulks can last from half an hour to 3 days in one case. It used to panic me because under normal circumstances we are very demonstrably affectionate with each other (to the point where our kids scurry out of the room making gagging sounds!) so when he goes to the opposite extreme it used to freaked me out. It took me years to realise that it's just a form of control and it took him a few more years to realise that I will just ignore it and carry on as usual. He still has his moments but since he now appreciates that I refuse to babysit his mood swings they don't last long.

SavingPennies_2

Having been with a sulker, i believe that it was a sign of deeper issues. The sulking may have been started by something trivial, but the real reason was something else. I also think sulkers can create a situation/problem which they use as an excuse to go into a sulk becuase other wise it would look odd and youd want to know what was wrong. Of course that was just my experience, your OH may just be childish and attention seeking!

Alikay

Luckily I'm not close to any serious sulkers, but I do appreciate that some people need a bit of time and space to deal with their feelings after experiencing conflict: An hour or so lying on their bed listening to music is acceptable, a week not speaking and emanating bad vibes is not

Molly41

I ask my husband if he is feeling pre-menstrual - that generally upsets him some more !

Prothet_of_Doom

You get to an age, where occasionally you think "!!!!!! is this it? Life, is that all I can expect, a boring job, ugly children, a wife who won't, a boring car, and retirement to look forward to in poverty. How can it all be so mediocre?"

And then someone upsets you and you sulk.

Mojisola

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I sometimes go into sulk mode but in reality its a self control thing where someone has naffed me off so much that if I was to talk to them I would probably end up ripping their heads off.

fluffnutter wrote: »

Sulking is passive-aggressive behaviour and primarily used by those who find it difficult to express their emotions yet need you to know they're cross.

I don't see mountainofdebt's "I'm withdrawing before I thump you" action as sulking.

A proper sulk has an attitude like fluff describes.

jayII

fluffnutter wrote: »

Sulking is passive-aggressive behaviour and primarily used by those who find it difficult to express their emotions yet need you to know they're cross. If you adapt your behaviour to accommodate their sulking, it's also wielding power. If you don't, it's still a power game, just not a very successful one. Whether or not they have a reasonable right to feel cross is neither here nor there, it's just a manifestation of how they're feeling.

For some people it's easier to sulk than to say 'I'm cross with you'. It's invariably learnt behaviour and people who sulk have either learnt it directly from sulky parents or have grown up in a environment where directly expressing emotions was not the norm.

I wouldn't laugh at a sulker, it won't help. I'd just carry on as normal, as if they're not sulking. In the longer term they might want to explore why they find it so difficult to express emotion in a constructive way.

Google passive-aggressive behaviour. Personally I find it really tiresome. Thankfully I'm not married to a sulker.

Spot on. I used to have sulkers in my immediate family, one an adult and one a child (now also an adult). The other child has never sulked, nor have I it's largely down to emotional IQ.

I tried to talk the adult out of it in the beginning but it only frustrated me and didn't help the sulking so I began to take it with a big pinch of salt. I just got on with my stuff and gave the sulker space until they came out of it. I certainly have plenty to keep myself busy!

These days sulking is a thing of the past, once they realised nobody was fussing about it or pressuring them, sulking slowly became a thing of the past. It's important to give people space to work their issues and emotions out for themselves, in their own individual way.

At the same time you need to avoid getting caught up in their angst wherever possible, which is why I just got on with my own stuff and largely ignore their moods.

tanith

My father was a champion sulker, when he was alive, I'd known him sulk for 6mths, my Mum even came and shared our bedroom and left him in his bedroom alone , he wouldn't talk to any of the family and would cook his own meals during his sulks. As children we would avoid him when he was in a sulk he just didn't interact with anybody and would leave my Mum housekeeping on the kitchen table.
When my Dad was close to the end of his days he told me that when he was a child he would get a beating if he so much as voiced an opinion be it good or bad and learnt to just keep quiet to avoid being beaten. I guess it was his way of coping but it meant some very sad times when I was a child.