Ex has met new woman

zzzLazyDaisy

OP, you have done a great job raising your kids and making sure that they kept contact with their dad. You have done your job and you should be proud of that. Your kids are now young adults, and able to make their own decisions and their own arrangements to see their dad - it is no longer down to you to facilitate those arrangements, they can sort out contact directly with their dad now.

During all this time you have had to maintain some sort of relationship with their dad because whatever happened between the two of you, he was still their dad, and that meant there still needed to be some connection between you and him.

That is no longer the case. You no longer need to have any contact with him, there is no reason for it, as far as being the cement that kept your children in contact with their dad is concerned, your job is done. You can (and should) step back now and let the, get on with it. His life is no concern of yours, and how they continue their relationship with him is no concern of yours. Let it go, and let them get on with it.

It sounds to me that you have been the organiser of the relationship between your children and their dad for so long, that it is difficult for you to let go of the need to control things. But you must let go for your own sake. The continued link between you and your ex-husband that you had via your children is dissolving fast, and he will probably fade from your life as there becomes less and less need for him to have any contact with you.

He STILL belongs to your children and will have a relationship with them forever.

That relationship will almost certainly not include you, and that is normal. You really need to get used to that, otherwise - as others have said - it will eat you alive.

Without meaning to be unkind, just as you have to let your ex-husband go, you are also going to have to get used to the idea of letting your children go. Not in the same way, of course, they will always be part of your life, but they are young adults about to go out into the world and make their own way. You will have less and less say in what they do with their lives and how they do it. You have to start to let go of control, for their sakes and for your own sake.

Do yourself a favour and start reclaiming your own identity, and start looking at making an independent life for yourself, just as they are starting to do.

Good luck

Dx

toffee'n'tom

LannieDuck wrote: »

I can see how much it must hurt when your children's father can't seem to be bothered. But remember what a close bond you have with them, and how you've definitely got the better half of the deal. It might have been very hard work at times, but would you honestly have traded places if you could?

I'd never change places. I know it's all my fault and we've had countless rows about him having the children and giving me some space but it never resulted in anything. Just carrying on the way we were. For my daughter it was probably like he was still living here - just not sleeping here!

And I do need a swift kick - think I've just had it and thanks to everyone for your honest replies. I've sort of told him now that he's going to have to make other arrangments to see them - not just call here when he's got time on his hands.

Valli

OP I totally agree with what Mojisola, Lazydaisy and others have said.

Mine were about the same age as yours - but, early on I did not invite ex in etc as you have done. By not 'pushing' him to take your kids you have ensured he didn't build a relationship with them separately.

In a way it was as though you were telling him the door was always open for him to come back.

And now you're upset because you realise he wont.

Had your relationship with your new friend been important to you you would have drawn a line under your relationship with your ex and established some new 'rules' with him.

This has nothing to do with the kids and everything to do with your relationship with your former husband. Because now, at least, you're beginning to see that he sees no future for you as a couple and probably never did. He kept exactly where/how he was living secret from you because you were making his life so easy...had you known he had started to build a new home etc this would have all blown up years ago. I think he knew exactly how you felt and he has used you.

CH27

toffeentom wrote: »

I'm trying not to be a martyr - just telling it how it is. I have loved being so close to my children over the past seven years and we've built a very strong bond because of it I hope.

My life has been like an open book to him - sometimes he was here every day after picking up the children because I coldn't be in 2 places at once. Whereas he's lived a very private life for the past 7 years. I know it's ultimately my fault.

He was living with his mother and we still thought he was living there. My children have even been phoning there when they couldn't get hold of him on his mobile. His mother has a very large house. He could easily have had them to stay there and she woud have loved it - but he refused. We've fallen out over it lots of times. In fact I can count the number of times they've seen their Nana in 7 years on one hand.

They won't go and stay there now, well my son won't, it's too late for that and I feel that he's the one who's missed out - not me. I feel sorry for my son more than anyone because he's not even taken him to a football match. This week is the first time he's taken him to a sporting event (my son is competing) and I had to literally beg him to do that because I couldn't take time off work.

I know I'm just wallowing in self pity at the moment and feeling very sorry for myself. I'm sure I'll look back in a few days and think how rediculous I was

Your son is old enough to be sorting his own arrangements out.

You've made your choices over the last few years & you cannot change the past.
Let your ex go mentally & leave all contact & arrangements for your children to sort with their dad.

marisco_2

You do nothing. Your children are old enough now to decide what kind of relationship they want to have with their dad from this point forward. All that has happened so far is that he has invited them both via your daughter to attend a family reunion with his new partner. In all honesty how well that will go, considering how awfully he has treated them both for years, is anyone's guess. He isn't suddenly going to pull off being a loving, caring dad who has a close relationship with his kids in front of everyone. That is for all of them to sort out though. You have been your kids rock through their childhood and you need to do this one more time for them now. Let them go with your blessing, don't show your emotions to them, and be there for them if they need you. That is the best thing you can do for them.

LannieDuck

toffeentom wrote: »

I'd never change places. I know it's all my fault and we've had countless rows about him having the children and giving me some space but it never resulted in anything. Just carrying on the way we were. For my daughter it was probably like he was still living here - just not sleeping here!

And I do need a swift kick - think I've just had it and thanks to everyone for your honest replies. I've sort of told him now that he's going to have to make other arrangments to see them - not just call here when he's got time on his hands.

It's certainly not all your fault. You've tried very hard to maintain the relationship between your children and their father, and that's really commendable. But you need to think about your own well being too. There's no reason he needs to continue calling at your house to see the kids, and I think suggesting that that stops is a really good idea.

He needs to start making time for them in his life, not just as and when it's convenient for him. When they're young, it's easy for him to abuse that and expect you to run around and do all the work of maintaining the contact. Now that they're older, it's really up to him and them - him to make the effort, and them to decide whether they can be bothered with him!

ostrichnomore_2

Hi Op,

I think what could be happening here is that you are having a bit of an epiphany right now. You did the right thing in finishing with your recent relationship - it was all on his terms and not at all what you wanted really, it didn't make you happy. You were martyring yourself. And that's got everything ticking over in the back of your mind about how things have been with your ex. Yes, you could have done things differently and now you are feeling fed up as you regret the way it was. But he only did it that way because you let him get away with it. But before that sounds too harsh, your biggest motivation was not yourself, but the benefits to your children.
So don't beat yourself up about it now. I don't believe in having regrets about decisions made and how I handled things, even if with hindsight I can see it wasn't the best. At the time you don't have the benefit of hindsight - at the time you ARE doing what is best for you right at that moment, with the information you had then, with the resources and strength you had then. So he had another house and could have had them to stay. You didn't know that. The fact that he acted like a pillock is for his conscience and the effect it will have on his relationship with his children is his problem. At the time you thought it wasn't possible, so you did what was right for the children. Don't feel bad about it.
Be kind to yourself. You are having a bit of an awaking right now about not always putting yourself last. That's great. But don't become upset and bitter about the times in the past when you made a different choice. That was you, then. This is you, now.

LannieDuck

ostrichnomore wrote: »

The fact that he acted like a pillock is for his conscience and the effect it will have on his relationship with his children is his problem.

This :T .

justme111

I think what happens here and in.countless other situations with parents is that there are some irreconcilable things. The best interest of children is to hsve.a strong bond with dad for example. Often it does not happen , mum becomes hurt for it and then faces the question to which.extent she woyld try and make it wasier for that relationship to develop. She can do no right there as if dad and kids get on well despite him having had "sod it off" attitude she will feel its unfair and shortchanged because she put in souch.more blood tears and sweat. If it dies not happen she will feel hurt for her kids to be a spare clog in her ex's life.

I imagine it is true if the tables were turned rou.d , and even more so. Just imagine being a dad , non resident parent when something important about your.ex , kids mum dealing with them is not right in your opinion. One would be.between rock and hard place , does one harm children by questioning their allegiance to their primary caregiver or does one say nothing.

So I guess op at least can feel validated in that it is impossible to come unscathed from a situation where separated parents are not doing their best with.kids , so it is not only her particular shortcomings that caused things to be as they.are , its just the.way it is.

Pollycat

I agree that you need to let go.

toffeentom wrote: »

I know I'm just wallowing in self pity at the moment and feeling very sorry for myself. I'm sure I'll look back in a few days and think how rediculous I was

I hope in a few days you'll look back and realise that you over-reacted to some news that came as a bit of a shock (not that you were ridiculous) and you will seize the chance to change your own life instead of thinking about other people who should have really only have been on the periphery of your life for the last 7 years.