Ex has met new woman

LannieDuck

Maybe this is the start of him spending more time with the children, and now that you know he has his own house, you could suggest they stay over for the weekend.

As far as I can see, this is what you've wanted for the last 7 years... so why are you unhappy about it?

fluffnutter

I think it's good that their father finally wants to be involved in his children's lives. It doesn't make up for the lost years but better late than never, IMO. Perhaps his new partner is a wonderful influence and is encouraging him to build bridges with his kids. She should be applauded if so.

TBH, it sounds like you're more annoyed that he's finally moved on than you are about his wish to see the children (which is to be encouraged surely). Don't make the mistake of being a victim or a martyr. It's not actually about you. Just see this for what it is - a man reaching out to his kids.

Brighton_belle

toffeentom wrote: »

I've only had one relationship since we split which ended about 4 weeks ago and he was partly to blame for that with him still coming here ... and keeping the fact he had a house a secret and they could have stayed with him for the odd weekend giving me some time to pursue my relationship properly.

No, I would suggest you split up 4 weeks ago because the man you were seeing did not cherish you enough to pursue seeing you at every opportunity he could. He didn't want the same sort of relationship that you did. He kept you at arms length when his friend and ex sis- law were around.
You are feeing a fantasy that if you had just been able to make yourself even more available he suddenly would have been all over you, rather than actually you bending even further to fit into his lifestyle on his terms.

I am a little confused as to were you thought your ex husband has been living these last 7 years that he couldn't be told he needed to have his children for the weekend or be taken to visit his parents/family by him?

You clearly are very upset OP. What are you going to do from now on re suggesting your ex has his children regularly for the weekend? Though at their age, I think it likely they wouldn't want to stay for a whole weekend now.
What do you want you life to look life over the coming year?

pinkshoes

Tiglath wrote: »

How come you refer to them as MY kids and not OUR kids?

Perhaps the OP had them before she married him, but they got together when the kids were young??

Or perhaps it was a slip of the tongue and she meant "our" kids!?!

fluffnutter

pinkshoes wrote: »

Perhaps the OP had them before she married him, but they got together when the kids were young??

Or perhaps it was a slip of the tongue and she meant "our" kids!?!

I think it's just that she's effectively been a single parent for the past seven years.

Mojisola

toffeentom wrote: »

He moved out and has never ever ever had my two children (aged 11 and 9 at the time and now 18 and 16) to stay for even one weekend or a holiday away. He hasn't taken them out for one day, for their sake I have invited him here for Christmas dinner every single year.

He only sees them at my house, previously picking them up from activities and now because they're older on his way back from work for 10 minutes or so.

i've now found out he's met another woman. An ex from years ago. My daughter has just told me that he's asked her if she wants to meet her and he's taking her to a family reunion at the end of August and do my two want to go with him.

As I said he's never even had them for one weekend in 7 years, only seen them at my house and now the goal posts have changed. I am really really upset over this. What do I do.

toffeentom wrote: »

He's hardly spent any time on his own with them. I was told to and should have stopped that right at the time we split up.

I haven't had one weekend to myself in 7 years.

I've only had one relationship since we split which ended about 4 weeks ago and he was partly to blame for that with him still coming here

(It was difficult to stop it at this point because that's what my daughter was used to and when I mentioned that to her she became upset about him not coming here) and keeping the fact he had a house a secret and they could have stayed with him for the odd weekend giving me some time to pursue my relationship properly. I'm still getting over that.

The fact she lives on my doorstep and socialises with my daughter's friend's parents isn't helping either.

Everything just seems to have landed on me at once and I know I've got to stop letting it eat away at me or I'll drive the children away.

Whoever told you to stop him coming to the house gave you some good advice.

Did you put yourself out all these years so that the children would stay in contact with their father? Well done, they have. Isn't that what you wanted?

Everything you've done has been your choice. You have let the ex see them at your house. You have cooked for him, arranged for him to pick the children up, kept his place for him in your home.

Not stopping him coming because your daughter got upset is a cop-out. You didn't stay together as a couple so that she wouldn't be upset - as a teenager, she could easily have taken on board that it was now up to Dad to arrange their meetings. If you'd done that and he hadn't arranged anything, maybe she wouldn't think he's so wonderful now.

There's no reason why you couldn't have had time to yourself over those seven years. If their father wasn't willing to have them, they could have stayed with friends.

Your ex didn't cause the breakdown of the recent relationship - you did by not changing what was happening. How many times did your partner say he wasn't happy about your ex being around the house before he left you?

Like others, I think you need to have some counselling so that you can learn to let go of your ex and take responsibility for your life.

toffee'n'tom

I'm trying not to be a martyr - just telling it how it is. I have loved being so close to my children over the past seven years and we've built a very strong bond because of it I hope.

My life has been like an open book to him - sometimes he was here every day after picking up the children because I coldn't be in 2 places at once. Whereas he's lived a very private life for the past 7 years. I know it's ultimately my fault.

He was living with his mother and we still thought he was living there. My children have even been phoning there when they couldn't get hold of him on his mobile. His mother has a very large house. He could easily have had them to stay there and she woud have loved it - but he refused. We've fallen out over it lots of times. In fact I can count the number of times they've seen their Nana in 7 years on one hand.

They won't go and stay there now, well my son won't, it's too late for that and I feel that he's the one who's missed out - not me. I feel sorry for my son more than anyone because he's not even taken him to a football match. This week is the first time he's taken him to a sporting event (my son is competing) and I had to literally beg him to do that because I couldn't take time off work.

I know I'm just wallowing in self pity at the moment and feeling very sorry for myself. I'm sure I'll look back in a few days and think how rediculous I was

justme111

hey OP, I know it sounds harsh to you
Truth is always harsh
Because we always try to see embellished version of it
we all been where it hurts , we all done wrong
hugs

notanewuser

Did you end the marriage, OP?

You've started so many posts recently which begin "I'm 48 and divorced" as if that's all you are. You could describe yourself as the single parent of 2 young adults, which sounds much more positive to me.

Your posts scream that you're still mourning the loss of your marriage, you're still martyring yourself to it etc and after 7 years and with almost grown up children you should be over it and enjoying life, not wallowing in self pity that your ex is with somebody else. I'd have gotten angry about his !!!!lessness with the kids a few months in, not waited 7 years to perfect my dying swan routine!!

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you sound like a lovely lady and brilliant mum, and you need a kick up the arris to see that!!

LannieDuck

I can see how much it must hurt when your children's father can't seem to be bothered. But remember what a close bond you have with them, and how you've definitely got the better half of the deal. It might have been very hard work at times, but would you honestly have traded places if you could?

Edit: Is there anything to stop their nana (ex's father) having them to stay by herself? (Now that they're a bit older it's probably less do-able, but she might nonetheless like the opportunity to build a better relationship with them - would they be amenable to spending time with her?)