Friend issue

scooby088

Just tell your supposed friend you no longer wish to put the effort into the friendship. When you can see friends don't put in that much effort to see you or always have the excuse of no money, then for me it's time to limit contact or even ignore them full stop. Life is too short to keep thinking or chasing after friends who make no effort back.

gt568

Nothing wrong with being brutal and culling unneccesary friendships. Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.

duchy

Presumably a holiday was booked in advance and paid for.....and if all inclusive wouldn't need much cash so perhaps she IS skint ....or simply prioritizing. Frankly I would consider myself a poor friend insisting on a meal out knowing it would impact on their holiday......but then I don't do the gifts between friends on birthdays thing. If I buy a friend a gift it is because I see something they'd love .... I likely wouldn't buy a specific birthday gift ...except possibly for landmark birthdays maybe.

I do think this friendship has moved on and you are more invested in it than she is-perhaps simply because she has a wider social circle than you do.It doesn't mean you have to cut her out of your life....just modify your expectations and let the friendship find a level you are happier with...and it'll either continue or just fall away .

shoppaholic_returns

This thread made me chuckle,as it is my birthday today and my friend who I always buy a nice gift for met up with me for a cuppa yesterday and said she hadn't had time for a pressie, so could she buy me a drink and cake instead!

Now my friend is far from broke and I always buy her a really nice gift, so I too was really p***ed off at her behaviour.

I went yesterday,had a cup of tea, no cake on purpose! I wait with baited breath as to whether I will get a gift.

I agree with you OP it gets to me when you try to make an effort and people can't be bothered!!!:mad:

Prothet_of_Doom

Blokes don't have this problem. We never buy each other cards. or presents, and never see each other unless it's really important....Like he's got spare tickets to watch motorcycle racing, or needs a hand taking an engine out. Or a lift across the country to view an MOT failure that might have the correct 'bobet' wheels circa 1984.

My wife thinks I have no friends because none has ever bought me a card or a present, but the other week a guy (I have not spoken to in 3 years) rang up from a scrap yard in Wrexham to ask me if I wanted a genuinely perfect passenger seat from a 1983 mk2 Cavalier.

gt568

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

but the other week a guy (I have not spoken to in 3 years) rang up from a scrap yard in Wrexham to ask me if I wanted a genuinely perfect passenger seat from a 1983 mk2 Cavalier.

Well don't keep us hanging, did you buy it?

tryingtocutback

Well she is technically what I call skint - she is behind on all her bills and mortgage and pays £1 off some of her debts. BUT, she has a new Ipad, new mobile phone and bought a handbag for £50 last week. Now booked this holiday - which incidentally she booked yesterday so after we had made arrangements to meet on Sunday for a cheap cafe lunch. And I wouldn't mind but the arrangement to meet on Sunday was in a town that is 50 miles from me and 3 miles from her!

Pollycat

tryingtocutback wrote: »

Ok, so I have an update.

We arranged to meet this weekend for shopping and lunch - this is the lunch that was supposed to be my birthday celebration. Yesterday, we agreed where to meet and she suggested a (pretty ordinary) cafe for lunch - I was a bit disappointed since I thought it might be nice to go to pizza express or something like that. I wouldn't expect her to pay for me because we always go halves. Anyway, it was all agreed that we would meet and go to the cafe.

Today I get an email saying that she can't make it now because she "has no money". In the next paragraph of the same email she tells me that she is off on holiday to a 4* hotel in majorca.

So, now I am upset and hurt - but at least I know where I stand. I can't even bring myself to reply at the moment.

Time to look for some new friends!

Sorry for the moan - just thought I would give an update.

Just curious - who instigated this arrangement? You or her?
From what you say in your later post about the location, it sounds like her.
If it was, why did you agree to travel all that way after her previous shoddy treatment of you?

Speaking personally, if I were in your shoes, this friend would be history.
I wouldn't even bother to reply to her.
If she gets in touch later to suggest another meeting, I'd be busy - permanently.

NinjaSavingKat

OP I had something similar with a friend and only really noticed it after 4 years of friendship. Although she was extremely helpful through bad times in my life and vice versa... the months leading up to this little incident were enough to make me step RIGHT back from her... and to be honest I haven't missed her yet...

Her 30th was approaching last year and I was well and truly on my debt busting mission so was limited with my funds.. but it was her 30th. This is the birthday that you remember and the one that is special... so I took my mode of transport to her surprise birthday party that her husband arranged....a very sombre affair as she hates surprises.. she didn't even feign glee.... I paid for my own £25 meal, the £12 taxi back to another friends house that night, my own £20 petrol fee as you would AND £60 to go halvers on a Tiffany bracelet with another mutual friend.

A few months later it was my 30th and I invited her. She promised to be there early to help set up the tea party I paid for and baked/organised myself......she was three hours late, she didn't talk to many people or mingle and the present.... two coasters, an espresso cup (just one not a set, and I don't drink coffee of any sort and she KNEW this), a used candle holder from her own house I'd seen with a broken candle attached and wax stuck to the side and one of the weirdest cards I'd ever seen and a plastic teabag holder with cats on it..( I was holding a vintage teaparty and specifically told people NOT to bring anything with cats on it).....

She didn't hang around for the "present opening" part of the day and to be honest it makes me cringe so I would have been happy to avoid it altogether anyway... but there were a few looks of amazement... I was insulted to be honest. She honestly could not be bothered.. I'd have preferred nothing. Everything she gave me was in direct contradiction to me as a person.. like she was actually saying she didn't care... why would I want 1 espresso cup???

Now I am not an ungrateful person. I told people to bring themselves, not gifts. A few brought flowers, people who I hadn't known as long as this other friend. What annoyed me was the lack of thought that she displayed, it wasn't her kind of party (teetotal not alcohol fuelled) and so she just left instead of making the effort I did for her...

It was only then I realised how different we were. My birthday the year before was destroyed by this same female hence I took the party organisation into my own hands this year and did something that was important to me... she clearly couldn't handle this...

I spoke to her briefly since then when she asked if I liked my presents.. I simply replied that I was confused and thought she knew me better. She hasn't replied and that was 5 months ago.

I think I was right about her self centred nature and it's honestly one I can do without.... perhaps you could do without your friend unless you care enough to talk to her about it..

This "friend" is on a DMP although not that you would know it. Also recieved £30,000 from the death of a relative but paying off her debts is "wasting the money"... I need to keep my distance.. I can feel myself getting irked thinking about it. It's her life, it's just a life thankfully without me now.

an9i77

I am reading this thread nodding to myself in agreement. I had a very similar friend to the one you describe, the friendship became very imbalanced, I ended up doing all the chasing whilst she put in zero effort. It all came to a head when I asked her and her husband to dinner, and she came up with loads of excuses why they couldn't including because she was trying to persuade another friend to have a party so couldn't possibly make any plans - even though she was arranging dinner with other people during this time so clearly this excuse was not used with them.

I ended up confronting her on email (ok not best method of communication) and she turned it all on me and said I was upsetting her. At that point I had the 'camel's back' moment and decided I just had to walk away. It has been difficult though - I miss the person she was and the friend I used to have (we were very good friends years ago).

At times I am tempted to get back in touch but then I just remember how futile it is and how I deserve better than someone who quite frankly doesn't give a damn about me.

It is true though, quality is better than quantity when it comes to friendships and it's demoralising and degrading to keep chasing someone who doesn't really give a monkeys.

I recommend you cool it with your friend and put as much effort in as she does. If she then starts making more effort you have a chance of building the friendship but if you end up not seeing much of each other at all after that well you'll know she was not a true friend.

Sometimes we can't see how much we are propping things up until we walk away.