Friend issue

tryingtocutback

I'm not really sure where to post this but guess friendship comes under relationships!

I feel a bit silly that this is bothering me but I'm going to post it anyway because it might make me feel better!

It was my birthday recently and in an email conversation the day before I told my friend that I was going out for the day (not because it was my birthday, just that I was taking a day off). She then replied that she had forgotten my birthday and was sorry but she would pay for some lunch next time we meet up.

Now I know that sounds fairly reasonable but I felt really hurt - I have thought about it and think these are the reasons why I feel hurt:-

1. It was the day before my birthday so it wasnt too late for her to get a card and post it (which is what I would have done).

2. I put a lot of thought and effort in picking out a thoughtful gift for her birthday and a relevant card (took the trouble to go to the post office and post it etc - we dont live near each other).

This has made me realise that, if we meet, its because I have made the trip to her (and paid the petrol). She claims to have no money but quite frankly has at least as much as me if not more (and always has the latest of everything so has money when it suits her). When we meet, I tend to pay for coffee's etc.

I'm now in a quandry - I dont have many friends but feel like this friendship has become hard work (my hard work!). My feelings towards her have changed because of this - I think I have been feeling it for a while and the birthday was just the final straw.

I know people will probably think that I'm very selfish for feeling this way but, honestly, it isn't that I wanted a gift or anything - its just that Im not important enough for her to even remember when my birthday is.

aileth

I can definitely understand why you feel like you do. I had a friend who was choiceably rich/poor delete as appropriate. You'd invite her out for drinks, sorry no money, then on Facebook she'd be talking about all the new dresses she bought. You'd invite her out the next time, no nothing, suddenly got a flash new apartment and they've spent thousands kitting it out...

It became more trouble and hassle than it was worth. I stopped chasing her and we haven't talked since, so it really showed how much she valued my friendship. You obviously respect her, but she doesn't not hold the same regard for you it sounds like.

lika_86

She probably hadn't forgotten when your birthday is but had just lost track of the time and the fact that it had come round. It happens, particularly when people have other things going on in their lives which may be more important.

If it was the day before your birthday then maybe it was too late for her to get to the nearest card shop and then the postbox to post it.

I've had times when I've been so busy with other stuff that I haven't realised it's so close to a friend's birthday, but they're my friends and the lack of a card or even birthday wishes wouldn't cause problems because we all know that if we were to pick up the phone to each other in need of a friend, we'd all be there for each other. I'm surprised by lately how easily people seem to want to give up on friends over insignificant things. I can only assume they aren't real friends.

amus

If it was just the birthday thing as an isolated incident I wouldn't think much of it, some people just don't see birthdays as a big deal. But from what you have described she is a bit if a user, I would cease to make any effort to be honest and see what happens from there.

Brighton_belle

I don't think you are being selfish OP, you feel what you feel. I think you have hit on the truth of the matter when you say you have been feeling this way for a while and this is a final straw for you. Sounds like you need to step back form this friendship for a while and see if she steps up and takes the initiative a bit more.

Can I offer an alternative perspective?
I wouldn't have rushed out and bought a card because I think they are a waste of money and secondly I never knacker myself rushing round any shops in a panic: I have enough I have to do and if I hadn't planned to go to the shops that day that's it.

You may have taken ages to get her the perfect card and present, but she wouldn't have known it took you ages and most presents I am given that people consider 'perfect' end up a charity shop fairly quickly.

I don't do 'presents' other than for children generally - I give and ask to receive memories, be that a walk with a home made picnic, or lunch/afternoon tea out, or if we mutually have the budget a trip to the theatre. This eliminates the constant purchasing/hording of excess stuff I neither need or want and the my friends tend to feel the same.

I suggest you don't get her a present next year but a shared memory like lunch together.

Her saying she has no money could be interpreted as 'I do have money, but I am not interested on spending my money on the things you like doing, I want to use it to buy the stuff I like'. So you need to ensure before hand she can 'afford' what you suggest. If she says no money then you have to do something else.

STOP paying for both your coffees all the time. Establish before hand if she can afford to go out for coffee and assuming she says yes, just buy your own and she buys hers. Simples. My friends and I have no issue doing this, or I buy the first one they buy the second.


Friendships shouldn't be hard work. They should be an energising delight with mutual understanding and flexibility, kindness and love. I have some very very close girlfriends. I wouldn't care if they forgot my birthday - they would grovel when they realised and we would have a laugh about it.

Stephb1986_2

Seems like your the one wanting to make the friendship work and your friend isn't prepared to put the same effort in. I had "friends" like this and I gave up why should I be bothered if they can't be.

Steph x

marisco_2

There may be all manner of things going on in your friends life at the moment that meant she overlooked your birthday. When you mentioned you were off out for the day, it logged with her why that would be and she openly admitted to having forgotten, then suggested an alternative to marking the occasion when you next meet up. So she is not heartless or uncaring, just leading a busy life and didn't post on a card and present. I wouldn't view it as not being important to her at all, cut your friend some slack and just look forward to seeing her soon.

Pollycat

From what the OP says, it's not about the non-birthday card, that's just the catalyst for her reviewing the friendship - and finding it wanting.

OP, you seem to be making all the running in this friendship as well as paying out most of the time.
I think you feel taken for granted - and that is certainly not how proper friendships work.

If you want to maintain the friendship and are happy to continue to travel to meet her, just say 'as I've travelled to see you, maybe you can pick up the tab for the coffees'.

Otherwise, I'd just leave things and see if she gets in touch to arrange a meeting.
If she does get in touch, maybe suggest that she comes to see you.

If she doesn't get in touch, perhaps you either have to accept that it will always be you who instigates meetings (and pays) or accept that the friendship has run its course.

lostinrates

I am nodding with a lot of the posts above. I have never cared all that much about birthdays, and while I want to wish my friends a happy birthday, I care about them all year round. I feel the actual remembering of a card and a gift is so etching I do for family and children. I often suggest to my family they don't get me anything as there is nothing I actually actively 'want' and I don't want just 'stuff" because people feel they should! On the other hand, if I see something some one I know would love I grab it for them for no reason. I have little chance of remembering people's birthday, but I do remember their likes. Gifts for no reason other than affection are nicer IMO.

I do hope you had a lovely birthday though.

singlestep

I hope that you enjoyed your birthday

Marking birthdays seems more important to some people than others, I think, and also perhaps it would have been more difficult than you think for her to have gone to the shop etc that day. Personally, I'd not have been that bothered by a friend forgetting or overlooking my birthday because it is so easy to lose track of time.

In the context you've described, where your friendship feels like all give and no take, I can understand your feelings. Perhaps all of the things you describe haven't occurred to her, though? Some people really are that oblivious! All it might take is some sort of prompt or comment dropped in to conversation ('why not treat ourselves to ...' or 'let's go to x and split the cost of y') and phrased as neutrally as possible? In the end, if she doesn't see that you have legitimate concerns and/or does nothing to redress the balance, is your friendship worth it, not just in terms of money but in the extra time and effort you're putting in?

Don't pay for everything because people then end up thinking you have more money than you do (might be worthwhile making sure she realises that this is not the case) or feel awkward around you. It's something that preys on my mind as one of my closest friends earns less than half what I do and has a family. We still take turns paying although, when it is hers, it's surprising how I take a craving for a more reasonably priced place/option I'm sure she's worked this out but we've known each other a long time and I hope that she would let me know if she does feel awkward as her friendship is too important to me.

Angelicdevil

I just wouldn't make the effort any more. Some people just aren't worth wasting your time and energy on.

It's my birthday this weekend and two, supposedly, "real" friends haven't even bothered to respond to the original invite or even the text message asking if they're coming or not.

If you wouldn't treat them like that why would put up with them treating you like that?