Friend issue

seashore22

Your friends response would have delighted me for lots of reasons.

I barely remember to send cards to extended family let alone close friends. Cards aren't a big deal for me and if anything they annoy me. I can never find one that hits the right note - they are either too gushy or commercial or whatever.

I love eating out. For me it is a real treat and I would really appreciate it.

I can't even remember how old I am these days, except that I have a big one coming up. I don't feel any real need to celebrate in style. Perhaps your friend is the same.

tryingtocutback

I do see what you mean but of course when its her birthday, its a huge deal with a big build up, lots of meals out, drinks out - list of who is getting her what blah blah!

Pollycat

tryingtocutback wrote: »

I do see what you mean but of course when its her birthday, its a huge deal with a big build up, lots of meals out, drinks out - list of who is getting her what blah blah!

Do you really still want to be friends with this person?

Brighton_belle

tryingtocutback wrote: »

I do see what you mean but of course when its her birthday, its a huge deal with a big build up, lots of meals out, drinks out - list of who is getting her what blah blah!

ok, the above responses didn't have this information.
This does sound an imbalanced friendship, as you were already concluding.
I would step back and see if she actively seeks time with you and you then set the boundaries of where and as advised above, establish she can afford where ever you are going before you go, and don't pay for her.

2gorgeousgirls

When I got married I moved 60 miiles away. At the time I had someone I considered to be my best friend. I constantly asked her down to visit me over the first fews years of my marriage but she never came. I always had to go to visit her. Like you I usually paid for coffee, lunch etc.

I finally got a bit fed up and realised that even before I moved away it was always me doing the running, always me who called her etc. I did discuss it with hubby who, to his credit, did not try to influence me, just gave me the chance to talk it through and in doing so I realised that I didn't need her in my life.

I called her and told her I wouldn't be contacting her anymore as I didn't feel I was getting anything out of the friendship. She was gobsmacked and didn't say much.

Anyway I have to say that once I had made the break I felt so much better as I was building up resentment towards her and I, while I did miss her friendship, it really didn't take me long to get over it.

If you are not happy then tell her how you feel and if she doesn't get where you are coming from then its time to end the friendship.

bagpussbear

I don't think you're being selfish, but I do think there is imbalance in this friendship.

Sometimes life is busy and we can forget things like birthdays. But there is more going on here obviously than just her forgetting the card.

If you enjoy her company, then get back balance - if you go for coffee, you only pay for your own. If you meet up, then go somewhere that is reasonable distance for you both.

For her birthday, you just send a card, and not an expensive one either!

If she does value you as a friend, none of these things will matter to her. If you find she then gives you the cold shoulder then stuff her, you're best off getting new friends.

It can be upsetting when someone we consider a friend, seems to not even remember. Last year, I invited a friend to my wedding who accepted, and then 1 week before said she couldn't come as she was travelling to a funeral the day before. But you know she didn't even send a card (despite me going to her wedding, and giving her gift money) but what was even worse she didn't even wish us congrats any time before or after the wedding. I realised that she wasn't really a true friend, so I keep only minor contact with her now.

Peater

I think you're investing/expecting too much out of a 'friendship'.

The dynamic has obviously changed since it initiated, relationships are transient afterall. Strip it back to basics. Stay in touch, meet up every now and then, enjoy each other's company at face value.

Don't sit around getting !!!!y that they aren't 'putting in as much effort' as you. If anything, you are putting in too much.

If that means it fizzles out then so be it. It is what it is.

In essence - learn from men.

Prawny

If it were me, I'd cool this friendship. It sounds like you're putting all the effort in and healthy friendships shouldn't be so one sided.

If you take her up on the birthday meal idea, I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up claiming poverty on the day!

It can be hard to lose 'friendships' when you don't have many to start with. I've done it and I don't have many either. But quality is better than quantity. Also, with supposed friends no longer taking up your time/energy, you can use that to spend time with genuine friends or make new ones.

Alias_Omega

tryingtocutback wrote: »

1. It was the day before my birthday so it wasnt too late for her to get a card and post it (which is what I would have done).

2. I put a lot of thought and effort in picking out a thoughtful gift for her birthday and a relevant card (took the trouble to go to the post office and post it etc - we dont live near each other).

Maybe blokes are different, but I would not expect my friends to get me a car, nor would I expect them to expect me to get them a card.

If you do all the chasing, they will let you do all the chasing.. :beer:

tryingtocutback

Ok, so I have an update.

We arranged to meet this weekend for shopping and lunch - this is the lunch that was supposed to be my birthday celebration. Yesterday, we agreed where to meet and she suggested a (pretty ordinary) cafe for lunch - I was a bit disappointed since I thought it might be nice to go to pizza express or something like that. I wouldn't expect her to pay for me because we always go halves. Anyway, it was all agreed that we would meet and go to the cafe.

Today I get an email saying that she can't make it now because she "has no money". In the next paragraph of the same email she tells me that she is off on holiday to a 4* hotel in majorca.

So, now I am upset and hurt - but at least I know where I stand. I can't even bring myself to reply at the moment.

Time to look for some new friends!

Sorry for the moan - just thought I would give an update.