Am I giving in again? Am I doing it right? I just don't know.

paulineb_2

double_mummy wrote: »

that is crazy how can you call that abuse????????

she asked him not to he didnt listen nothing other than that if he has PR then he has as much right to cut their hair as she does to grow it

Shaving a kids hair when the mum has expressly asked not to shave it because they have lovely hair and she wants it to grow?

Seriously, does no one think that hes shaving the hair as a way to score points at the mum and upset her?

He might have the legal right to do it, it doesn't make it right

I can call it abuse in the context of whats going on elsewhere in this situation, because it wasn't done for positive reasons was it? Because they needed a haircut?

It was done to upset the mum. And I also wonder whether it upset the kids as well.

Kayalana99

paulineb wrote: »

Shaving a kids hair when the mum has expressly asked not to shave it because they have lovely hair and she wants it to grow?

Seriously, does no one think that hes shaving the hair as a way to score points at the mum and upset her?

He might have the legal right to do it, it doesn't make it right

I can call it abuse in the context of whats going on elsewhere in this situation, because it wasn't done for positive reasons was it? Because they needed a haircut?

It was done to upset the mum. And I also wonder whether it upset the kids as well.

Idk it sounds like he geninuly prefers them with short hair though...mother wouldn't of asked if she hadn't anticipated that he would do it because thats what he wants to do...the fact to go against her wishs but do what he wants to do anyway shows control...to do it to spite her is a differnert matter but it does sound that he is more doing it because its 'what he wants for his kids' then 'she wont like it'.

Tbf if it was a little girl and he was giving her a grade cut though ? Maybe it could be seen as abuse....I know were not supposed to be 'sexist' but how offen do you see girls/woman with shaved heads unless its for a medical reason.

double_mummy

paulineb wrote: »

Shaving a kids hair when the mum has expressly asked not to shave it because they have lovely hair and she wants it to grow?

Seriously, does no one think that hes shaving the hair as a way to score points at the mum and upset her?

He might have the legal right to do it, it doesn't make it right

I can call it abuse in the context of whats going on elsewhere in this situation, because it wasn't done for positive reasons was it? Because they needed a haircut?

It was done to upset the mum. And I also wonder whether it upset the kids as well.

i agree he was points scoring but a hair cut is not abusive if done properly by a barber and hasnt injured the child in any way

what if it had been the other way around and mum cut it when dad wanted it to grow?

how is it wrong for a parent with PR to decide to do something non damaging to their children (and in this heat possibly very positive)
even if it is for the wrong reasons as long as it is not damaging or potentially damaging to the child it is not abuse

neverdespairgirl

SunshineButterfly wrote: »

The school do not know the full story as I have been careful not to paint anyone out badly as it seems unfair on the children. Yet dad seems quite happy in having a nice negative chat about me to teachers and school staff.

If they don't know it, yet, then a too-aggressive letter isn't called for. I'd put in writing politely, but firmly, that the current contact regime was ordered by a judge amid concerns expressed by the court about the effect contact was having on your children, and that therefore, not having been privy to that judgment, you are not inviting their comments in relation to contact.

neverdespairgirl

SunshineButterfly wrote: »

And partly because my eldest was getting upset when I collected them from their father saying they wanted to stay at daddy's and he was then putting it all on me telling the children they need to ask mummy and they cant stay because mummy wont let them.

That's the point where you need to put a stop to it, I think. If he says that, in front of the children, you need to say something like, "You are demonstrating the exact failure to put the interests of the children first that have lead to such limited contact. The frequency will not change unless and until you change."

coolcait

One of the hardest parts of mothering is standing up to mithering!

Though usually it's the children who are doing the mithering, not adults...

I agree with the other suggestions about dealing with the school and with the children's father.

I'm not sure about the haircut issue though. If you like the children's hair when it's longer, and their father prefers it shorter, then there's a risk that each of you thinks the other is trying to exert control!

As I see it, this is only an issue if the children prefer their hair one way - be that longer or shorter - and their parents are using haircuts as a proxy battleground.

If the children don't care either way, then best to leave the subject alone. Don't even mention hair or haircuts! Rather than giving him a great big signpost towards a good way to upset you...

Mojisola

You may find that the school has rules about the kind of hairstyles that are allowed - anything too extreme and your LO might not be able to go to school until the hair grows again.

neverdespairgirl

I'm assuming "mithering" is the same as "moidering"? As in, "don't moider that cat, he'll scratch you if you don't leave him alone".

Frith

10 weeks is nothing! I would suggest leaving contact exactly as it is laid out in the court order for a good 9 months - 1 year.

Also, I have found with my ex, if I tell him not to do something (like haircuts in your case), he will immediately do it. Therefore, I say absolutely nothing to him apart from hello or goodbye unless absolutely necessary.

ETA - if you keep contact to exactly as stated (and mark it on the calendar) you can then point it out to your children if your ex has set them up to ask for more. They can see the times and days they are going and you can say "we can change this after Christmas/in 6 months".

ETA a bit more! Ignore school. They weren't in court (I presume) and they don't know about your relationship. Don't discuss it with them. The court have had a good long think about what is best. Stick to that.

LannieDuck

The judge has given you an unbiased decision about contact. It's binding. Why are you even considering changing it to suit your ex? He couldn't persuade a judge, so now he's trying to persuade you.

Just stick with the contact plan from the court. That's by far the easiest in the long-run. If you give an inch, he'll mither you forever for a mile. (You've already shown him that he can have more contact if he hassles you. You need to draw a line in the sand otherwise he'll push and push and push.)

Re the school - I agree with neverdespairgirl. Send a polite but firm letter explaining what the judge decided, and ask them not to put further pressure on you. You have a court order and will be sticking to it.