Am I giving in again? Am I doing it right? I just don't know.

SunshineButterfly

I chose the extra 3 nights over the summer as it will not have much of an impact on the children. Yet it will show if he is able to put the childrens needs and interests first or if he will just carry on regardless.
I was going to use the summer holidays extra contact to decide on how to decide over Xmas.

He has changed in some ways, but it seems not all.

The school do not know the full story as I have been careful not to paint anyone out badly as it seems unfair on the children. Yet dad seems quite happy in having a nice negative chat about me to teachers and school staff.

SS have referred us to family group conference and they are coming out to see me next week, but I have no idea what this is really or what is supposed to happen. What I do know is that he will be yet again mithering for more contact.

SunshineButterfly

I must add that as part of SS involvement meetings with the school have been set up every 4 weeks where both me and their father are invited and the plan of the childrens interests are looked at. Which is when the school give their opinions on matters such as contact... although they are only involved in terms of behaviour and emotions and so on.

I cannot withdraw my extra contact over summer now as I have a written agreement signed by me and him offering it. What I can do is ensure I do not offer any more contact in the future if that is what is needed for the children.

I think deep down I know that even know I do the very best for my children, I am also a very weak person when it comes to pressure and controlling behaviour.

meritaten

ok Sunshine - it seems there is a lot of 'official' involvement - School may give their comments - but you don't have to act on them if you feel its not in the kids best interests. I remember your previous thread - you battled hard for those kids - so you are no wimp! Practice saying 'No, I don't think so' until it comes out easily.........it isn't easy when faced with so-called child care 'professionals'. You are the expert on YOUR children and best placed to make decisions for them.
ask yourself 'When they are adults what would I say if they asked why I allowed their dad so much latitude (for want of a better word)?. I know you are a great mum - and I am sure you will think each decision through - but do it for the kids and yourself - not because a paid professional who doesn't have to live with the results pressured you.

paulineb_2

Nothing to do with the school. I have a family friend who is going through a very bitter split and the father was abusive to the mum, he was charged and convicted but didnt get a custodial but the belief was that the father was a very nice man, she got the health visitor to call the school and state that the father wasnt allowed to pick them up from school, the eldest doesnt want to see the dad anyway.

If you dont feel strong enough get someone who is on your side to deal with the school. Its none of the schools business whats gone on before, you know, they dont, theyve not been through it.

Social services should be giving you support, not testing you.

As for the shaving off of the hair, other people might not agree but I think thats verging on abuse, given that you specifically asked him not to.

Id also be rethinking contact in light of the way the kids are being treated.

You want the best for your kids, you are going to have to try and stay strong and not let yourself be bullied by your ex and his mother.

Easier said than done I know, but their welfare and yours is the most important thing right now.

double_mummy

learn the word no

if a non biased person (judge in this case) has decided on what is best for the children dont let anyone change that until he can stick to it and abide by your wishes

if he has PR (which i presume he does due to their ages) then he is in his full rights to give them a haircut you are also in your full rights to not allow any extra contact -just as if you ask him to do / not to do something he doesnt have to listen just as when he asks you to do/ not to do something

can you not organise separate contact for the grandma for a couple of hours every couple of weeks?

get a PAYG phone for dad to contact you on and an email address especially for him only the turn the phone on 10 minutes before his scheduled calls and turn it straight off afterwards - check the emails once a week and reply no to all

you need to stand up to this man as a mother i know you would give everything for your children but by letting him do this to you you are not doing yourself any favours

send him a letter (recorded delivery) that states he will get no extra contract until he can abide by your rules and to not contact you or the children unless it is court appointed

stay strong and you will win not only for your kids but for yourself xxxxx

SunshineButterfly

I asked my solicitor for advice re the hair cuts, but he is on holiday and I have no legal aid so I will not be holding my breath. But I *think* because he has PR he is allowed to cut their hair etc.

The reason I offered more contact is partly for the children as they love spending time with their father and his family. And partly because my eldest was getting upset when I collected them from their father saying they wanted to stay at daddy's and he was then putting it all on me telling the children they need to ask mummy and they cant stay because mummy wont let them.

SS are involved but not in a welfare way, just a supporting casually way. And their involvement ends in a few more weeks so I will be then on my own.

double_mummy

paulineb wrote: »

As for the shaving off of the hair, other people might not agree but I think thats verging on abuse, given that you specifically asked him not to.

that is crazy how can you call that abuse????????

she asked him not to he didnt listen nothing other than that if he has PR then he has as much right to cut their hair as she does to grow it

SunshineButterfly

double_mummy wrote: »

that is crazy how can you call that abuse????????

she asked him not to he didnt listen nothing other than that if he has PR then he has as much right to cut their hair as she does to grow it

I didn't mention the hair cut in the sense that I am going to use that to justify whatever action I choose in terms of more contact or not. I guess I mentioned it to try and paint a picture of how uncompromising he can be, yet demanding of his own wants.

and you are correct he does have PR. As I am guessing that does not change when you become a NRP and get a contact order?

double_mummy

not unless you specifically got the removal of his PR

FBaby

It is so so rare to see a parent truly putting the interests of their children first like you do. Despite all you've been through, you are prepared to think of them and them only and put aside all resentment and anger. What a wonderful mum you are to your children, what a complete imbecile your ex is for not seeing and appreciating it.