Am I giving in again? Am I doing it right? I just don't know.

SunshineButterfly

As some of you know I have been through a horrific custody battle. SS and Cafcass were involved and did various reports.

At the final hearing the judge ordered that the children live with me and see their father for 4 nights in 4 weeks and 2 phone calls in those 4 weeks.

This was ordered around 10 weeks ago. SS have been involved to support the children with all the changes.

The childrens father has been mithering for weeks for more contact. SS have said it is entirely up to me.

My children do enjoy seeing their father and his side of the family.. so I felt it would be good to offer extra contact over the 6 week summer holiday as then there is no risk of interfering with education.

In those 6 weeks I have offered an extra 3 nights in total. I have written an agreement that we have both signed, as contact order says extra "may" be given but only if agreed in writing.

I had also discussed extra phone calls once the boys were settled. He is now mithering for more phone calls and asking me about Xmas and so on. He hasnt even had his extra contact over the summer yet.

I also asked him politely if he could please not cut the childrens hair . As he has a habit of shaving all of their hair of. They have beautiful hair when it grows and I had explained to him it would be nice to be able to take them to the barbers just before they return to school.

His reaction was to tell me "not to tell him what he can do with his children" and over the weekend he shaved all their hair off.

Am I being controlled like usual? Am I being soft in giving more contact? Or am I doing it as I should?

I feel mean at the prospect of the kids not seeing him properly over Xmas and so on.. but at the same time I do not want to give too much as clearly the judge would of given him more contact if he saw it was beneficial?

SS are not helping me with this... just keep telling me I am in control and it is for me as their mother to decide what is best for them.. but I have all this pressure from their father and grandma... it makes me doubt what is the best for the children.

Please... talk some sense into me.. but nicely.

mummyroysof3

I would see it myself that he should be proving to you he can be trusted and earning more time....not the best way of putting it but not sure how else to say it. If the judge felt he should have more he would have given it. Not sure what to suggest about the hair cut issue tbh though

RAS

Hi

Since he could not behave civilly regarding the hair cuts, just refuse all addtional contact.

No explanations, no discussion and no further further granting of additional contact for the next 6 months.

Social Work are testing you to see if you can stand up to him. Can you? Can you put their need for consistency before your need not to be mithered?

If he keep asking, organise a new e-mail address to which all his request have to be sent. And refuse them.

I would just about tolerate an extra hour or two contact round their birthdays and might agree to Boxing Day if that suits you.

It would be nice to get to the point when you can invite him and his mum to birthday parties but you might have to stand firm until he learns to negoitiate before making unilateral decisions designed purely to wind you up and give you the finger.

RAS

SunshineButterfly wrote: »

Am I being controlled like usual?

I thought the major problem was that he is extremely controlling?
Is he trying to transfer his sins to you?

SunshineButterfly

Yes control was the major factor..well with me.
With the kids it was inappropriate conversations with the children.
My barrister had offered before the judge that he have the children for half of all school holidays but the judges words were that "it is the prolonged contact with their father that is causing the most damage".
Hence any extra contact I have offered has been one extra night and no more within a fortnight.

I have school putting pressure on in meetings saying how nice that their father wants to be involved and that I should be allowing him more as it isn't fair on the children or their father.

I feel worn down by all the mithering and the pressure. I thought it would be so much easier once the judge had made his decision. Now I am still left worrying if I am doing the correct thing.

RAS

Is this their new school? Do they really really know the full background or is this the drivel from someone who only knows half the story?

I suggest that you tell the head teacher that the courts have indiated that contact needs to be limited.

And when you ex contacts you again have some comments that the judge made coppied out and refer him back to them. You might want to share those with school?

mummyroysof3

Develop a line " that is what the judge thought best" when bothered by people. How is he contacting you? How old are the children? Not that I think they should be deciding anything but just wondering what they say about their dad?

rachbc

Now is the time to stand strong. If you give in now he will know he still controls you. By cutting thier hair he is showing you he is still in control. The judge has decided what is best for the children for good reason by the sounds of it - hold on to this and stick to the arrangements.

RAS

I think the children are 2 and 4 years old? The elder started school last September?

marisco_2

Considering what your ex has put yourself and the children through in the last few months, I think you would be very wise to be cautious about increasing contact too quickly. It is very important for children to have the time and space to build strong, positive and loving relationships with both their parents. However there are things you brought to our attention in your post, comments and actions by your ex, that make me think he is still using the children you have together to exert a level of control over you.

That is not healthy for any of you. Did he even ask your children how they wanted their hair to be? Or just brazenly go ahead and shave their hair off knowing it would upset you? You always come across as someone who is intuitive and has her children's best interests at heart. Follow your gut instincts and don't be pressured into anything that doesn't sit well with you. Your ex's needs and wants are secondary to what is best for the welfare and wellbeing of two little boys. Social services trust you to make those decisions.

meritaten

I think you are feeling harassed from all sides. when the kids go to bed - sit and think about this.............YOU are their mother, and whats more the mother with custody and the POWER. this is what is probably eating at your ex - for once you are in control. this 'mithering' is now the only way he can try to control you. so DEEP BREATH - don't let it work! get your head around the fact that you are the one who says yea or nay. and use it for the childrens sake!

withdraw your offer of extra contact - due to the fact that he didn't abide by your decision not to let him cut their hair. (I can understand the horror when you saw shaved heads).

as for the school - words (almost) fail me! what on earth gives them the right to interfere in your private life? I would be writing a letter to the head informing him/her that their involvement in the childs life starts when that child enters the school gates and ends when the child exits them. inform them that if they don't 'butt out' you will be taking matters further (you don't have to specify how). Copy the letter to the school governers and make sure you write at the bottom cc. School Governers

you need to show that you cannot be intimidated or manipulated by others - put your foot down! Stamp it if you have to!