Suffering with emotional abuse

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

So, you've attacked him before. Was that because you were out and he looked in the direction of another woman, by any chance? If it was, then I can see why he wouldn't want to go out with you. Probably afraid he'd have to pretend its all happy families when, in reality, he'd have to maintain eye contact with you 110% of the time or you'd kick off verbally, physically or just in mood/expression. Do you get irritated if he watches TV with good looking women on it? Does he get uneasy if forced to sit next to you/within striking distance?


Sounds like there's a bit of codependency, if not Stockholm Syndrome going on. Which is only solved by being apart, not by adding legal stuff.

Peater

There is obviously more to this than meets the eye/than you are telling us.

However, what i find worrying is the trail of -> He's verbally and mentally abusive towards me, says i bring it on myself > I love him and want it to work.

If you get treated like toot and still come back for more then it sounds like you some major esteem issues to solve. You will not solve them in a poisonous environment like your relationship. And if you fail to solve them before engaging in future relationships, the same will keep happening.

marisco_2

Justme29 wrote: »

I am ashamed to say I used to be violent because of my anger, but I have changed that now, and no matter how much he riles me I would never raise my hand to him again, and I also less possessive than I was, though I still get quite paranoid and jealous. He has becoming less loving.

I am not surprised he has become less loving in all honesty. Op it is hard to put into words how negatively it can impact on a person, when they have been subjected to violence from someone they love. I speak from experience here having suffered abuse myself. You never can trust in quite the same way ever again. It is not uncommon for communication to almost break down, such is the level of fear of responding in any way that may provoke another outburst.

For you two to be able to move forward positively together, it is going to take for both of you to accept a level of responsibility, for where your relationship is now at and to want to try and put it right. Perhaps having the guidance and support of a third party through counselling might help you. At the moment you are both stuck in a vicious circle and nothing will change until you face up to and address the very real problems that you have.

ilovelondontown

From what I gather its quite common to go from one abusive relationship to another, it's a relationship pattern you pick up, but what sounds different here is that you're starting to change your own ways and you're starting to notice how this isn't a healthy relationship.

It doesn't matter who is hitting who (Although that does tend to spell the end of any relationship) even before that it doesn't sound like there is any respect in the relationship. I go out for walks with my husband all the time and we always talk about ways of improving our relationship. We talk about our ups and downs and we work out how to fix things and move forward. It's a joint effort, sometimes I'm in the wrong and some times he is.

From what I can see he's blaming you for all the failures in the relationship and you're letting him. Either find a way to confront him and say we need to work out how to fix this together, or I think it's only fair we call time on this relationship.

It's a horrible place to be, but if you're already posting about your desire for more, its only going to come if YOU change something here.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

After my ex was violent to me, I felt absolutely nothing but contempt for him. Was stuck with him for another few months because he refused to leave, was going on about marriage and how it would be wrong to give up on a relationship because of things that happened in the past where I had wound him up to get to that point :cool:.

Didn't want to sit in the same room as him, didn't want to go out and be seen in public with him, didn't even want anybody to think I was even remotely anything to do with him. I'd mentally left him long before he moved out. Was wishing for the day he'd meet somebody else, just so as he'd be gone, and everytime he insisted we all did something together 'as a family', I just felt disgusted at the thought, because it was a travesty of a relationship, being stuck with a thug who wanted the nice stuff when he was, like anybody who resorts to violence to make themselves feel better, bigger and more powerful, absolutely pathetic.



It's very likely that you killed the relationship with the first swing. And no amount of claiming he's mean to you is going to change the fact you were violent.

Tiddlywinks

ilovelondontown wrote: »

It doesn't matter who is hitting who (Although that does tend to spell the end of any relationship) even before that it doesn't sound like there is any respect in the relationship.

What? It doesn't matter who is hitting who?

If it were the man doing the hitting then the righteous indignation on this thread would have reached fever pitch at that comment!

ilovelondontown wrote: »

From what I can see he's blaming you for all the failures in the relationship and you're letting him. Either find a way to confront him and say we need to work out how to fix this together, or I think it's only fair we call time on this relationship.

From the information provided, I think they are both at fault - both abusive... why some posters still feel that the OP is the injured party and her partner is the sole abuser is incredible.