Suffering with emotional abuse

Kayalana99

...Why don't you leave him? What are your reasons for staying?

*Do you work?

Justme29

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

So, in the 7 years he hasn't changed much... after 5 years you even decided to marry him.

He has said he won't change... So, all you can do is choose to live with it or end it.

All the sympathetic virtual 'hugs' on here aren't going to change anything... You need to make a choice.

We have been together five years in total, married for two.

If it was so easy to have ended it I would've, though I'm afraid it's not, and I know I don't deserve the treatment I am getting, and though the virtual hugs won't change anything they are helping.

Janey3

Justme29 wrote: »

He does sometimes have some nice moments, when I can talk to him and tell him how I feel about our marriage, and that I want him to stop saying certain things but then he just starts saying that I'll never change, I admit I am paranoid, but I used to be a lot worse.

Have you read A Woman in your Own Right by Anne Dickson, Justme? - well worth a read - it helped me a lot.

Justme29

Kayalana99 wrote: »

...Why don't you leave him? What are your reasons for staying?

*Do you work?

I work in retail, 27 hours per week. I do love him and I want it to work, and if it wasn't a marriage I would've left but having been married before, don't want to become a failure.

Kayalana99

Justme29 wrote: »

I work in retail, 27 hours per week. I do love him and I want it to work, and if it wasn't a marriage I would've left but having been married before, don't want to become a failure.

I don't want to sound cruel...we can be a shoulder to cry on but unless your willing to walk out that door we can't help you at all!

The fact is you know yourself you are unhappy, he is emotionally abusive...you have no relationship you don't even watch Tv together.

This man is NOT going to change. It is NOT ok for him to treat you this way.

Justme29

Janey3 wrote: »

Have you read A Woman in your Own Right by Anne Dickson, Justme? - well worth a read - it helped me a lot.

Thank you, will see if my local library has it.

jacques_chirac

Justme29 wrote: »

I am probably more different from him instead, I am ashamed to say I used to be violent because of my anger, but I have changed that now, and no matter how much he riles me I would never raise my hand to him again, and I also less possessive than I was, though I still get quite paranoid and jealous. He has becoming less loving.

OK, so there are anger/ control issues on both sides of the relationship, even if yours are apparently in the past.

Do you want the relationship to work? If so, I suggest you get some therapy - both as a couple and individually. But you need to be honest, you can't place all the blame on your partner (as your first post suggests) and neglect to mention the above.

None of us are perfect - in this case I think you need to look at your own behaviour as well as his.

Kayalana99

jacques_chirac wrote: »

OK, so there are anger/ control issues on both sides of the relationship, even if yours are apparently in the past.

Do you want the relationship to work? If so, I suggest you get some therapy - both as a couple and individually. But you need to be honest, you can't place all the blame on your partner (as your first post suggests) and neglect to mention the above.

None of us are perfect - in this case I think you need to look at your own behaviour as well as his.

If you were happy with your partner would you be so jealous/controlive/angry ?

I was an absoulte *** to my Ex but he was emtionally abusive to me as well although I couldn't see it at the time...we had a very love/hate relationship and I had problems in past with an absuive step dad and he used to basicly say that he was the only person who I could ever be with because I had so many 'issues' and thats why we argured so much.

I had a voice in the back of my head that used to wonder if I was with someone else would I be differernt?

I was insanley jealous and controlive with him because I was so unhappy and thought that he was unhappy so would be very likey to cheat or go off with someone else so it made me into a person that wasn't me at all.

2 years on I met my OH and we have such a lovely relationship... I have never raised my voice to him (infact the only time I have ever raised my voice in front of him was shouting at my Ex in the street.... he stalked me for a while after I left him) we do argure because yes not every relationship is perfect but its little arguments that happen probally once a month IF that not massive blazing rows every night of the week about stupid things that don't even matter...

I think I will always have a jealous streak but I can joke about girls on televison etc with him and ask him his opinion on girls etc ... Its stupid really as looking back now my Ex wasn't the cheating type (wasnt really interested in that kind of thing) where as my OH is abit of a 'lad' yet I trust him so much more.

Justme29

jacques_chirac wrote: »

OK, so there are anger/ control issues on both sides of the relationship, even if yours are apparently in the past.

Do you want the relationship to work? If so, I suggest you get some therapy - both as a couple and individually. But you need to be honest, you can't place all the blame on your partner (as your first post suggests) and neglect to mention the above.

None of us are perfect - in this case I think you need to look at your own behaviour as well as his.

I am hoping to get counselling for myself, my husband wouldn't hear of couple counselling as he thinks it is all my fault. I know I was wrong in the beginning when we first met, but since we got married I have been making a conscience effort to not let my anger get the benefit of me, but sometimes it feels that he winds me up for the fun of it and see if he can get a reaction. I am still jealous and insecure but as he never talks to me about where he is going etc, I don't know how I will change this,

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Justme29 wrote: »

I work in retail, 27 hours per week. I do love him and I want it to work, and if it wasn't a marriage I would've left but having been married before, don't want to become a failure.

A marriage is actually - just a piece of paper at the end of the day.

But this doesn't sound like a marriage. A wedding that happened does not make a marriage.

You know he won't change and if you weren't married you would have got out. So just get out. Now. Whilst you can.