Suffering with emotional abuse

EchoLocation

Justme29 wrote: »

I work in retail, 27 hours per week. I do love him and I want it to work, and if it wasn't a marriage I would've left but having been married before, don't want to become a failure.

A marriage is meaningless without love and respect. There is no shame in having a 'failed' marriage or being single. Disagreements are normal when you have been with someone for a long period of time, but selfishness and abuse are not. Life is too short to be stuck in such unhappiness.

jacques_chirac

Justme29 wrote: »

I am hoping to get counselling for myself, my husband wouldn't hear of couple counselling as he thinks it is all my fault. I know I was wrong in the beginning when we first met, but since we got married I have been making a conscience effort to not let my anger get the benefit of me, but sometimes it feels that he winds me up for the fun of it and see if he can get a reaction. I am still jealous and insecure but as he never talks to me about where he is going etc, I don't know how I will change this,

Honestly, it sounds like you need a time out from relationships. You need time to sort out your own issues before being with someone. There's nothing wrong with that - many people look for love to try to solve their issues (myself included!), but you would be far better to learn to be content with yourself instead.

Can you stay with your mum for a while? You don't have to burden her with your problems if you feel it will affect her, just tell her you need somewhere to stay for a while?

samtoby

I don't have much constructive to say but take the advice of other users.

Hugs xx

Tiddlywinks

Justme29 wrote: »

I am probably more different from him instead, I am ashamed to say I used to be violent because of my anger, but I have changed that now, and no matter how much he riles me I would never raise my hand to him again, and I also less possessive than I was, though I still get quite paranoid and jealous. He has becoming less loving.

So, you have been physically violent towards him in the past?

Justme29 wrote: »

I am hoping to get counselling for myself, my husband wouldn't hear of couple counselling as he thinks it is all my fault. I know I was wrong in the beginning when we first met, but since we got married I have been making a conscience effort to not let my anger get the benefit of me, but sometimes it feels that he winds me up for the fun of it and see if he can get a reaction. I am still jealous and insecure but as he never talks to me about where he is going etc, I don't know how I will change this,

You think he winds you up on purpose?

Imagine the responses to this thread if the OP had been a man? I bet the sympathy and hugs would have been in shorter supply.

YOU are responsible for YOUR life... put up with the situation or make a change... it is your choice BUT do not play the victim... there are two people in your relationship and you need to accept that you are part of the problem as well as the solution.

Mojisola

Justme29 wrote: »

I am probably more different from him instead, I am ashamed to say I used to be violent because of my anger, but I have changed that now, and no matter how much he riles me I would never raise my hand to him again, and I also less possessive than I was, though I still get quite paranoid and jealous.

He has becoming less loving.

It's very hard to be loving towards someone who is paranoid and jealous and previously violent!

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for either of you. If you think it's worth saving, get some counselling and change yourself and see what affect that has on him.

[Deleted User]

I agree, it sounds like you need some counselling to enable you to understand why you have problems with anger (imagine not having to exert the energy it takes to control it). Then you might be able to decide whether you are rubbing each other up the wrong way. He obviously has issues too.., and that's probably what brought you together, in spite of what he says about you being the reason for the relationship being how it is. He's part of the destructiveness too obviously.

It sounds like neither of you are happy.., it won't change on its own.

You need to stop having to control your anger/anxiety/jealousy but to learn to feel confident enough so there is no need to control. You can't make your partner change.., only yourself so work on yourself. Then you can make decisions about what sort of relationship you want.

With regards to feeling like a failure if your marriage breaks up.., how is it a success now? Sometimes realising a relationship is negative and splitting up is a important step of strength and health, not failure at all.

southcoastrgi

It never fails to amaze me how many women go from one abusive realationship to another, there are alot of nice guys out there but some women don't seem to want them & just go for the bad boys all the time, it's true what they say nice guys finish last, no woman should have to put up with what you are but only you can get the strenght to do something about it, although you may find the nice guy that wants to do the things you crave too "boring", my advice would be to leave him, but hell what do i know cause i'm a nice guy & still can't work out what women want

marisco_2

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Imagine the responses to this thread if the OP had been a man? I bet the sympathy and hugs would have been in shorter supply.

I completely agree with you. Though to be fair to the other posters who responded on here, many wrote their replies only having read the first post, where the OP hadn't mentioned her own violent tendencies. This only came to light further down the thread.

ValHaller

Justme29 wrote: »

I work in retail, 27 hours per week. I do love him and I want it to work, and if it wasn't a marriage I would've left but having been married before, don't want to become a failure.

It looks to me that you are motivated by negatives, not by positives.

Weighing up the possibilities for change and improvement in your situation, are they better staying where you are or better if you leave?

eleanora_

southcoastrgi wrote: »

It never fails to amaze me how many women go from one abusive realationship to another, there are alot of nice guys out there but some women don't seem to want them & just go for the bad boys all the time, it's true what they say nice guys finish last, no woman should have to put up with what you are but only you can get the strenght to do something about it, although you may find the nice guy that wants to do the things you crave too "boring", my advice would be to leave him, but hell what do i know cause i'm a nice guy & still can't work out what women want

Well it's got a lot to do with emotional damage, and the fact that long-term abuse alters how people think of themselves. It's a very difficult cycle to break.

On a different note, here are a couple of interesting things to read regarding the whole "nice guy" thing.