Nasty old bag!

Saturnalia

My sister's mother-in-law. No advice you can give I don't think and she isn't really my problem... I just want a rant!

She and BIL's dad emigrated before Sis & BIL married. Now S & BIL have two sons, aged 4 & 6 months. Again before S & BIL married, they bought a house a couple of streets from our parents. His parents had already emigrated, both of them are close to my parents, Sis always wanted to live in the area we grew up, and the right house came available at the right time for them.

Our parents are super-involved adoring grandparents. They do quite a lot of childminding for Sis & BIL because they love spending time with the kids and the boys love them too. They often volunteer to take the lads out at the weekend, and all six of them spend a lot of time together as a family.

This doesn't suit the MIL one bit. Sis often puts pics on Facebook of things they/we have all done together, and mostly because our side of the family is very scattered, a lot of Sis's friends have moved away, and it helps us keep in touch and include each other when we can't all get together.

I've lost count of the number of times the MIL has put a nasty, catty comment on a picture of her own grandsons where everyone can see it. Usually on the line of how everyone forgets the children have another set of grandparents! Today's special was when she saw a picture of her son, DIL and the youngest in a garden on a day out with me and our parents, (we weren't in the picture) and she said "it would be nice to see a picture of OUR family on here".

Aren't her son, DIL and grandson her family, then? And for the record, they visit her & BIL's dad a couple of times a year and always post pics of the six of them together - but Sis isn't supposed to do that with her side of the family or something?

Believe me, everyone is tempted to tell the witch to shut it, but no-one else is going to stoop to her level of putting horrible comments on a picture of Sis's children.

Never mind the fact that when she is here the visit gets ruined by her throwing tantrums if she doesn't get her own way, and her adult children and their partners bend the plans to suit her in the hope of a quiet life, which doesn't work as it just makes the demands and the histrionics worse the next time around. She sees personal slights & snubs in everything and has to be handled with kid gloves, but still it never keeps her happy. And I'm dreading my nephews getting to the age where they can be manipulated into her games.

And BIL puts her above his wife at every turn, which I shouldn't get mad about as my sister signed up for that life knowing fine well what she was getting, but it still annoys me seeing her treated like that, although she just shrugs and gets on with life and doesn't seem too bothered.

Grr, the woman is poison!

meritaten

Look up narcissists! she obviously feels she isn't being given her rightful place as Queen of the grandparents!
she has her kids well trained and it takes a lot of understanding for the DILs to cope with her. as her sons can see no wrong.
and don't blame your sis - she will have been sucked in by a master manipulator.
You are an outsider and can see her clearly - within her family she controls matters. and tbh - some people can never 'see' what they are like.

browneyedbazzi

No real advice to give but I can sympathise. My mom (who lives in a different country) has a habit of posting inappropriate comments on facebook- I used to reply with a message asking her not to, or explaining why I didn't appreciate the comments etc, but now I just delete them.

Sadly can't do that with comments made in person during visits but the number and length of visits has been dramatically reduced over the years because I really don't want to have to deal with her behaviour.

fiestafantastic

Can I make a suggestion? If your sister changes the privacy setting of the pictures so the MIL doesnt see them then she cant put comments nor can she see her grandchildren grow up. Quite frankly it would be the price of her and why should she take the joy out of these family get togethers. You will never beat her at her own game, your sister can only insulate herself from it.

bluenoseam

Not your MiL therefore not your place to comment - much as you'd love to!

fluffnutter

Saturnalia wrote: »

.her adult children and their partners bend the plans to suit her in the hope of a quiet life...

has to be handled with kid gloves...

And BIL puts her above his wife at every turn..

but then...

Saturnalia wrote: »

although she [sis] just shrugs and gets on with life and doesn't seem too bothered.

These are the real problems, but tellingly, your sister doesn't seem bothered. Your sis has the right attitude - this woman's just a bit silly and her facebook comments should simply be ignored.

If your sister was miserable about all of this then I could understand why you are too. But she's not, so why does it bother you?

lemontart

bluenoseam wrote: »

Not your MiL therefore not your place to comment - much as you'd love to!

May not be op' s MIL but she is obviously angry that her sister has to put up with such. I would feel the same for my sister and her mil causes issues too.

bagpussbear

I'd go further than adjust privacy settings, your sister should just delete her mother in law on Facebook, simple. If she asks her why, your sister needs to stand up for herself and say she is fed up of her catty comments.

Does she feel like she cannot stand up to her mum in law for any reason? in fact why is everyone "tempted to tell the witch to shut it" but no-does?

bossymoo

fiestafantastic wrote: »

Can I make a suggestion? If your sister changes the privacy setting of the pictures so the MIL doesnt see them then she cant put comments nor can she see her grandchildren grow up. Quite frankly it would be the price of her and why should she take the joy out of these family get togethers. You will never beat her at her own game, your sister can only insulate herself from it.

^^^
This. Set up a group, exclude her from it, and to her it will just appear that sister hasn't been posting for a while.

We can't change others. Only our reaction to them.

My brother moved away from his home town, and does expect everyone else to give him special consideration, and pander to him. Once I realised I was within my rights to ignore the childish stuff, it left me free to just enjoy a grown up (if distant - half way round the world!) relationship with him. If he starts being petty, I just say "ooh this line has got bad, shall I Skype you later?"

marisco_2

You clearly have a very close and loving family OP. I think it is great that you are so involved with each others lives. Having grown up in a similar environment I can appreciate what a huge benefit this will be to your nephews. They have such strong and positive role models around them.

It is very sad that your sisters MIL chooses to behave in such an awful manner. Facebook is the bane of so many peoples lives, it causes nothing but trouble. Personally if a relative of mine saw fit to post nasty comments on there, I would simply block them from it. The way in which you describe this woman's behaviour in general suggests to me that she is narcissistic. People with this disorder are impossible to deal with, there is no reasoning with them.

It must be hard to see all this going on, but there is not a lot that you can do about it though. It is for your sister and bil to handle the situation as they think best. Just be there for them all and continue to show great examples to your nephews as to how families should be with each other. They are all lucky to have you and I am sure they appreciate you very much

Saturnalia

I've suggested a few times that Sister block & delete MIL from FB, I can't see any advantage in having her on there, all she brings is grief. However Sis takes the tack of MIL is the kids' Gran, she's not going to stop her seeing pics of the boys, she's the bigger person.

That ties in with the reason that no-one "tells the witch to shut it" (me included). The only reason you would pour poisonous comments on pictures of your little grandsons is to get everyone angry and get the reaction you're looking for, and thankfully everyone who sees the photos completely ignores the troll comments and carries on as if nothing were said. (Which, to be a tiny bit evil, probably gets her absolutely furious. She's trying her best to start a semi-public fight and no-one is even acknowledging she exists!)

Yep, I know she isn't my MIL and isn't my problem, but she's slagging off my sister, my parents and my nephews and that does upset me. Luckily the boys are too young to see it and the adults shrug it off as "nasty person says nasty things". Let her show herself up.

Same as my sister, she doesn't let it get her down, and she's not a naive victim. She was with BIL for years before they married, she'd seen exactly what MIL was like and what her and her son's relationship was like. Besides, Sister does well out of it. She has no need to work and she's kept at a very good standard of living. I'd imagine if I lived like her, a silly cow in another country making daft comments wouldn't bother me too much either!