Parenting clashes with ExW - UPDATED

findingmyownway

“Remote parenting” - love that phrase!! And damn right its hard and I’m not even their biological parent

Thanks everyone for your help and suggestions. Most of them we already do – eg talk to kids about importance of bedtimes, doing as Mum says etc but as a wise person noted above; when they are at home the primary influence is their mum and not what we said 3 days earlier.

I think its going to be a mainly case of carry on as we are for the minute – ExW had promised to phone every time eldest say she is not going to school (infinitely better than just leaving her in bed) and OH will go up there and take her himself. Obviously it is not a brilliant solution – luckily he is self employed and so is available to do it if necessary. Maybe after a few times she will realise that even if mum won’t/can’t make her go to school herself, then mum will phone dad and he most certainly will!!

We decided last night that OH or I will also phone the girls every night and nag them to pack their school bags, make sure lunch is made etc. We usually speak to them most nights anyway but we are going to make the extra effort to check that things are organised rather than (incorrectly) assume they are. At the weekend we are going to sit down with them and make a ‘tick chart’ of jobs to do every night. As well as the obvious “do my homework” it will include things like “pester mummy to make sure I have clean uniform/PE kit for morning ;-)”


I’m sure things will work out ok. Luckily her grades haven’t suffered so far. There has been talk of her joining the ‘gifted and talented’ scheme next year so hopefully that will pull her ambitions up a bit too.

Thanks

Zara33

Good luck findingmyownway.

findingmyownway

Update:

Hi again, i just thought i'd post an update on the situation...


After one too many hysterical phone calls and a school attendance far below acceptable, at the beginning of last week 12yo moved in with us.


Since then she has been good as gold. We have worked hard at changing her body clock so she can get to sleep at a sensible time and then get up in a morning. She has done all her homework on time. As its now friday she has just done a whole week at school for the first time in a long time - all without a minutes fuss or question, she really has shown us that she CAN have a great attitude to her work and to school and life in general.


The problem now is what happens next?! ExW was ok about her coming to stay with us - she has still being seeing her for a couple of hours after school before we pick dd up. But she's now made comments about wanting to get things back to 'normal'. We have agreed dd will stay with us until the end of term. ExW isnt too happy but agrees its for the best.


The problem hasn't been solved, ExW still hasnt earned any respect from her daughter, infact when we have picked her up they have obviously been arguing. I think she is trying to make her feel guilty about staying with us. The main thing dd needs is stability, she doesn't feel secure or looked after at home. But of course she loves her mum. I dont want her flitting from one house to the other. We have just removed the effect on the school life, not solved the underlying problems.

Come september things will be just as bad at her mums house - and that leaves the only option of keeping her with us to ensure it doesn't affect her school life. But then what happens to the other 2 kids? I dont want them feeling left out - their mum continually favours the eldest anyway (throws money at her in an attempt to buy her affection) and we certainly dont want to be seen to do the same.

Lizalu

I've just read the thread - and I really feel for you. My OH and I are in a similar position, though not to the same extent. Our clashes are about much smaller things (the children's lack of manners etc.) but it's a very hard position in which to be.

I'm glad the 12yo has moved in with you, for the time being at least. And what you are doing now will have an effect in time. If you encourage her to do a bit of washing, and teach her why a good diet's important etc. she will learn and will want to do it when she goes back to her mum's. It's a lot of responsibility at that age, but she seems a pretty level headed girl. Make sure she's proud of herself for being able to do things for herself, then she'll show her sisters how to do things as well. Obviously you don't want to take the mother to a custody battle, but it seems very unlikely that she'll change so you might just have to give up on that and concentrate more on the kids'.

One thing - you said that your OH and his Ex have always hidden arguments from the kids. I know from my own parents' divorce and from my OH that this always backfires. The kids, especially at 12, always pick up on things and sense an atmosphere. They just don't want to mention it for fear of making it worse. I know you want to avoid arguments, but maybe it's time to be honest with the kids - the next time a prticular issue arises (eg. not going to school without a valid reason) tell them, diplomatically, that it's not on, and that their mother shouldn't let them get away with it.
They love her - they're not going to think badly of her, but it'll help to teach them what's right and what's wrong.

Zoetoes

My parents split up when I was 8, by the time I got to 12 I was staying off school all the time, to be honest my mum couldn't do much with me by then and when she did stand firm and make me go I would get off the bus away from the school and get on a bus back toward home, once I knew she'd gone to work I would wiggle a spade under the window to knock the latch off and get in the house.

By the time I was 14 I was sent to boarding school about 80 miles away, allowed home 1 weekend a month and in normal school hols.

Once I'd left school I started going out with an older lad (6 years older), at 16 I was pregnant.

I moved out of mums house and got on with being a mum myself.

My son is now 13 and I have another son who's 6. They both know they do not get to stay off school unless they are really, really ill, none of this stay at home with a cold rubbish.

My eldest is at grammar school now and my youngest is the brightest in his class.

Once you start letting them stay at home for trivial things you'll have trouble getting them to go to school.

hobo28

What does your 12 year old want? Is she happy to continue living with you?