Parenting clashes with ExW - UPDATED

findingmyownway

I know this isn’t particularly money-saving but I could do with some objective advice. My OH has 3 daughters who live with their mum and stay with us on weekends.

The eldest is 12 (year 7) and one problem is her attendance at school. She seems to wake up in a morning and decide she doesn’t want to go. Her mum then phones /writes in planner that she is sick at the drop of a hat with no attempt to get her up or encourage her to go. Often the first OH hears of this is when one of the other kids mention ‘I’m not supposed to tell you this but X hasn’t been to school this week’ (we do verify its true and not just the other kids stirring). Obviously OH challenges ExW but she just makes excuses and the situation doesn’t change. Occasionally, ExW phones and says she can’t get her up and if OH is so bothered he should come and do it.

So on many occasions (the latest being this morning) he goes to their house (missing morning of work), gets her up and takes her to school. Once she is at school there are no problems – she does really well in lessons and doesn’t seem to be bullied or anything. The staff are very supportive – they have tried giving incentives for improving attendance etc which are well received by 12yo at the time but as soon as she goes home every positive step seems to be forgotten. When OH got to their house this morning there was no clean uniform, no packed lunch, no school bag packed and she clearly hadn’t had shower/washed hair/brushed teeth/changed underwear since she left our house on Sunday. 12yo is a bit of a ‘worrier’ and I think this is why she finds getting up to go to school hard – after a week off and with no positive encouragement to do homework etc I find it hard to blame her!

OH is at his wits end – we have tried everything from encouraging the kids to look after themselves more to tackling ExW direct but nothing seems to have an effect. She seems to have no regard for hygine, diet (a whole other moan – pizza and chips / takeaway everynight), school, discipline or anything. From what the kids say. ExW spends the evening sat watching TV while the kids do whatever they want – they have no ‘bedtime’ or even sleep in the same bed each night.

Bar battling her for custody (which wouldn’t happen – they have lived with ExW since split 7 years ago and kids don’t know anything different) does anyone have any suggestions?? ExW has never found parenting easy but things seem to be getting worse as they get older rather than better.

A few years ago ExW was sent on a 'parenting course'. The home-school counsellor woman at school has suggested another one for her based on handing older children. The first one didnt do much good but maybe the second will (ah ha here's the money-saving bit - she wants OH to pay for it! :rolleyes: )

changkra

Bar battling her for custody (which wouldn’t happen – they have lived with ExW since split 7 years ago and kids don’t know anything different) does anyone have any suggestions?? ExW has never found parenting easy but things seem to be getting worse as they get older rather than better.

Why not go for custody? Do you really think she would fight you? She doesn't sound like she actually wants them.

findingmyownway

changkra wrote: »

Why not go for custody? Do you really think she would fight you? She doesn't sound like she actually wants them.

I think she does genuinely love them. She makes a big deal of phoning them every night they are holiday with us for example. And they definatly love her. I think they can see her faults but don't really want to see them if you see what i mean. We have always said that they could choose to live with us when they old enough to get bus to school etc (which is now for eldest 12yo). But she loves her mum and gets away with murder when she is at home. Also gets bought off regularly - eg last year she got 3 new PAYG phones for no reason at all!

The problem is attitude - ExW has a "poor me, nothing ever goes right, its not my fault" attitude and is 100% negative. Everything is 'scary' - from driving the car to shopping to swimming, to going to the park incase theres a dog there and she passes that attitude on the girls so suddenly school is a scary place etc

We genuinly try our best to combat this - they all love swimming etc with us but when they go home they definatly get brought back down again. Its almost like they are brainwashed into thinking 'mummy can't drive anywhere more than 10 minutes from hom' instead of the reality which is 'mummy can't be ar*sed!!!'

findingmyownway

As for battling for custody - it goes against everything OH and Ex have worked for. Since split 7 years ago they have always being civil, hid arguments from kids etc and maintained a generally 'friendly' relationship whics is 100% in kids best interest. Theres never any contact issues etc - all very amiable and flexible. I have been with OH for 6 years and i too have a friendly relationship with Ex. Her most positive characteristic is that she has never slagged me off to the kids and has always encouraged me to have a great relationship with them. I feel that fighting for custody would do much harm and would prefer to deal with problems another way. But we are running out of ideas!

Gingernutmeg

Not wanting to take sides but could it be that the ExW might be suffering from depression or anxiety and maybe she needs some help? Her behaviour does sound like something a bit more than just 'not being bothered'. Also, could it be that the 12 yr old doesn't want to go to school because there are no clean clothes etc? Might she be a bit embarrassed about that, or could she even be worrying about her mum while she's away? Maybe something's gone off that you don't know about, perhaps she's really worried about her mum coping without her? I wonder if there's any way that the ExW could be encouraged to visit her GP to talk about her worries, as her 'neglect' of the children really doesn't sound good.

It's a difficult situation ... I feel really sorry for you (and the children) as this must be so frustrating. It can't be healthy for the children to be in this environment.

findingmyownway

Gingernutmeg wrote: »

Not wanting to take sides but could it be that the ExW might be suffering from depression or anxiety and maybe she needs some help? Her behaviour does sound like something a bit more than just 'not being bothered'. Also, could it be that the 12 yr old doesn't want to go to school because there are no clean clothes etc? Might she be a bit embarrassed about that, or could she even be worrying about her mum while she's away? Maybe something's gone off that you don't know about, perhaps she's really worried about her mum coping without her? I wonder if there's any way that the ExW could be encouraged to visit her GP to talk about her worries, as her 'neglect' of the children really doesn't sound good.

It's a difficult situation ... I feel really sorry for you (and the children) as this must be so frustrating. It can't be healthy for the children to be in this environment.

Yes i am sure you are right. No 12yo would want to go to school with dirty uniform / no lunch etc but its a shame this is obvious to the rest of the world but not her Mum.

I don't think she worries about her mum while she's away at school. She never hesitates to come to our house on a weekend or stay with grandparents in hols.

Ex has been depressed in the past. She is not a fit or healthy person. She does visit GP quite regularly but i don't know exactly what for. OH doesn't feel right asking - he only interest is the kids welfare, not hers but i appreciate the point that the two are completely linked. Maybe its worth bringing this up with her, thanks.

Scarlett1

Sounds to me like a woman trying to bring up 3 children on her own the best she can, maybe she is depressed sitting there at night lonely so thats why she lets the kids do whatever they like, which sounds to me like playing what children do. I think this woman needs a bit more help rather than being criticised, maybe money is really tight for her so they have chips a lot, I doubt very much they have takeaways every night, maybe an offer of a lot more help with the 12 year old wouldnt go amiss, at that age they are going through puberty as what is written here I have seen with my friends daughter who is the same age, she hasnt wanted to go to school either and needs a push towards the soap bar, maybe work with the ex rather than against her, and im sure she would be grateful for more help

Scarlett1

forgot to add, lol, that the 12 year old should be ecouraged to do more for herself, at that age children are capable of picking up their dirty clothes and putting them in a washing machine, and more than capable of making a sandwich for their lunch, if she can do this then maybe it might take the pressure of her mum abit

findingmyownway

Scarlett1 wrote: »

Sounds to me like a woman trying to bring up 3 children on her own the best she can, maybe she is depressed sitting there at night lonely so thats why she lets the kids do whatever they like, which sounds to me like playing what children do. I think this woman needs a bit more help rather than being criticised, maybe money is really tight for her so they have chips a lot, I doubt very much they have takeaways every night, maybe an offer of a lot more help with the 12 year old wouldnt go amiss, at that age they are going through puberty as what is written here I have seen with my friends daughter who is the same age, she hasnt wanted to go to school either and needs a push towards the soap bar, maybe work with the ex rather than against her, and im sure she would be grateful for more help

Neither me or OH are working against her in any shape or form. I am on here asking for advice on how to help her and the kids. OH has spent all morning on the phone to her, trying to make suggestions and encourage her to be more assertive. None of this is done in a critising way.

She lives with her Mum (kids grandma) and so she does have adult help / company, although i appreciate this isn't grandma's 'duty' or responsibility.

She gets all the money she asks for from OH - far more than CSA recommendations. On top of that we buy clothes / shoes / coats etc and pay for school trips. She has CC and catalogue debts but all these have been run up since OH left (he took all their joint debt with him) and largely comes from buying lastest games machines / mobile phones etc. I can see she tries her best in many ways to be a good mum but her priorites seem to be making sure they have the latest gadgets rather than washing their clothes and hair.

They don't eat takeaways everynight although they DO have a pizza night, a a chinese night and a McDs night every week (this is fully admitted by ExW). I feel that a diet of junk food is completely linked to self-esteem and behaviour although i appreciate not everyone shares this view. When they are with us they eat healthily and so i guess they get at least 2 decent meals a week.

findingmyownway

Scarlett1 wrote: »

forgot to add, lol, that the 12 year old should be ecouraged to do more for herself, at that age children are capable of picking up their dirty clothes and putting them in a washing machine, and more than capable of making a sandwich for their lunch, if she can do this then maybe it might take the pressure of her mum abit

and when there's no bread in the house? or electricity in the meter to switch on the washer?


i appreciate the point you are making and i do not wish to appear argumentative. i agree with what you say and at our house dirty clothes do go in the wash without question or needing reminding. she does make own breakfast/lunch on a weekend too if required. 12yo is far from useless - she has been making fishfingers and chips for tea for years and years!

Carmina_Piranha_3

i've got a relative who sounds similar to your OH's ex. it really is some sort of depression causing it though - she loves her children to bits but doesn't seem to realise that their going to school with dirty clothes and smelly unwashed hair makes them a target for bullies.

her ex often has the children at weekends and he's started picking them up in their uniforms now (they take changes of clothes in their bags to his house) so he washes the uniform while they are with him for the weekend. he also gives them lunch money in an envelope for the monday, or keeps them until monday and drops them off at school monday morning.

maybe her junk food nights are because she's not together enough to plan meals and write a shopping list, then go shopping for what they need.

people who aren't depressed wouldn't necessarily realise just how scary and confusing a simple shopping trip can be.

if she can't manage the drive (assuming the supermarket is further away than the junk food outlets she visits?) is there any way your OH could drop hints about shopping on-line, and visiting this site or others for money off codes. a regular order for basics each week would help her with planning and organisation.

what do school say about the kids not going to school? are social services involved?