Parenting clashes with ExW - UPDATED

zebidee1

I had a friend once who sounds very like this. She had 4 kids and loved them dearly but just wasn't as earth motherish as she should have been.

Her own needs were always high up on her list and although she didn't come across as outwardly extremely selfish, you could be sure that she wouldn't put herself out too much for the kids and would take the path of least resistance at all times. Like I say, she did care but she was very lazy.

Nothing changed her and eventually the kids grew up and left home, all healthy enough but none had much support or encouragement and all are 'that'll do' type kids now. One of the daughters' only ambition was to have a baby as soon as she left school (not an accident) and she now lives like her Mum.

I don't know what you can do tbh, people are how they are. Was she like this when she was with your OH or just since they broke up? Did your OH do a lot when they were together or was she more active then?

Perhaps if you can think about how long she's been like this maybe that would help to discover if she's that kind of person or whether she has got like this over a period of time? If she's like that generally, then you're not going to change things no matter what you do, if she was better when with your OH then maybe you can help to gee things up again.

Maybe she's just in such a rut now that she doesn't even realise she's in one at all iyswim.

Doesn't the granny help look after them if she lives there too?

lynzpower

I think your OH should have a quiet word with the Educational WEelfare Service.

If ExW is having struggles in coping, which to be honest sounds like the children are somewhat neglected ( alowing kids to dictate when and not they go to school is testament to this) she may well need some help or support in recognising that the childrens needs are neglected.

I worked in social services or many years anc I can agree children whos health adn hygiene is neglected AND miss a lot of school, do tend to end up being bullied, lacking in freinds, find it hard to work in groups and this can have a long lasting effect on self esteem

If she cannot or will not work in her kids best interest, then you should certainly consider that the children will be better off living with you, and you should consider this going forward.

findingmyownway

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

i've got a relative who sounds similar to your OH's ex. it really is some sort of depression causing it though - she loves her children to bits but doesn't seem to realise that their going to school with dirty clothes and smelly unwashed hair makes them a target for bullies.

her ex often has the children at weekends and he's started picking them up in their uniforms now (they take changes of clothes in their bags to his house) so he washes the uniform while they are with him for the weekend. he also gives them lunch money in an envelope for the monday, or keeps them until monday and drops them off at school monday morning.

maybe her junk food nights are because she's not together enough to plan meals and write a shopping list, then go shopping for what they need.

people who aren't depressed wouldn't necessarily realise just how scary and confusing a simple shopping trip can be.

if she can't manage the drive (assuming the supermarket is further away than the junk food outlets she visits?) is there any way your OH could drop hints about shopping on-line, and visiting this site or others for money off codes. a regular order for basics each week would help her with planning and organisation.

what do school say about the kids not going to school? are social services involved?

Nice to know i'm not alone

I agree with the lack of planning being the issue. she does go to supermarket but i think meal planning requires way too much organisation for her at the moment. When i said she's scared of shopping i really meant venturing further - into town to buy new clothes,uniforms etc. Not a problem in itself cos we can take them but i think it has an effect on kids self esteem and view of the world.

We also collect kids on a friday. If they still have uniform on i send it back in a bag clean for the following monday. if they are not in uniform, clothes go in the wash and stay at our house. they have a wardrode full of clean clothes here so having clothes in their school bags is not an issue. Even on days such as last night when they come for tea mid-week we usually send them to change their clothes and go back in clean ones leaving dirty ones at our house in the wash bin.

findingmyownway

zebidee1 wrote: »

I had a friend once who sounds very like this. She had 4 kids and loved them dearly but just wasn't as earth motherish as she should have been.

Her own needs were always high up on her list and although she didn't come across as outwardly extremely selfish, you could be sure that she wouldn't put herself out too much for the kids and would take the path of least resistance at all times. Like I say, she did care but she was very lazy.

Nothing changed her and eventually the kids grew up and left home, all healthy enough but none had much support or encouragement and all are 'that'll do' type kids now. One of the daughters' only ambition was to have a baby as soon as she left school (not an accident) and she now lives like her Mum.

I don't know what you can do tbh, people are how they are. Was she like this when she was with your OH or just since they broke up? Did your OH do a lot when they were together or was she more active then?

Perhaps if you can think about how long she's been like this maybe that would help to discover if she's that kind of person or whether she has got like this over a period of time? If she's like that generally, then you're not going to change things no matter what you do, if she was better when with your OH then maybe you can help to gee things up again.

Maybe she's just in such a rut now that she doesn't even realise she's in one at all iyswim.

Doesn't the granny help look after them if she lives there too?

I wholeheartedly relate to this post. OH and I and his family do our very best to encourage kids and impress on them how clever they are (they really are - often top of class regardless of attendance / little reading practice at home etc). I try to tell them they can do or be anything in the world but they seem to have set their ambitions set so much lower.

Granny does help out. The cooking / cleaning / washing that does get done is done by her.

ExW has always been the same, and her family was the same before that. When she married to OH she always said how she wanted her life to be so much different and to give her kids a much better start. But it was all words, no action - both at the time and ever since.

findingmyownway

zebidee1 wrote: »

Was she like this when she was with your OH or just since they broke up? Did your OH do a lot when they were together or was she more active then?

He did everything when they were together, both before and after kids. She had PND which obviously didnt help. Marriage was broken a long time before they actually split

findingmyownway

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

what do school say about the kids not going to school? are social services involved?

Its not quite got that bad yet. She has on average 1-2 days off a week. They are trying to work with us at the moment. OH and Ex have met with welfare school-home liason woman who was nice and helpful. 12yo gets plenty support when she is actually at the school

Zara33

Gawd someone needs a kick up the rear end!! talk about making a rod for your own back, if the ExW is letting this happen at 12 what will happen in a few years time.

This kid needs direction and isn't getting that from her mother.

findingmyownway

Zara33 wrote: »

Gawd someone needs a kick up the rear end!! talk about making a rod for your own back, if the ExW is letting this happen at 12 what will happen in a few years time.

This kid needs direction and isn't getting that from her mother.

erm, thanks for that, i think

i agree with the rod-for-her-own-back thing.

as for child needing direction, the most frustrating thing is she the sweetest lovliest girl when away from her mum. we rarely have any problems with her at all and neither do her teachers in class etc. seems she changes personality when with her mum!

i try to tell OH that in the future they will make their own choices etc. By spending time with us and OH family they do get a balanced life. Often not much comfort when his very clever daughter is sitting at home being an unpaid babysitter to her baby cousins instead of being as school :mad:

findingmyownway

lynzpower wrote: »

I think your OH should have a quiet word with the Educational WEelfare Service.

If ExW is having struggles in coping, which to be honest sounds like the children are somewhat neglected ( alowing kids to dictate when and not they go to school is testament to this) she may well need some help or support in recognising that the childrens needs are neglected.

I worked in social services or many years anc I can agree children whos health adn hygiene is neglected AND miss a lot of school, do tend to end up being bullied, lacking in freinds, find it hard to work in groups and this can have a long lasting effect on self esteem

If she cannot or will not work in her kids best interest, then you should certainly consider that the children will be better off living with you, and you should consider this going forward.

what would an education welfare officer do? is that like the truant patrol?

Zara33

findingmyownway wrote: »

erm, thanks for that, i think

i agree with the rod-for-her-own-back thing.

as for child needing direction, the most frustrating thing is she the sweetest lovliest girl when away from her mum. we rarely have any problems with her at all and neither do her teachers in class etc. seems she changes personality when with her mum!

i try to tell OH that in the future they will make their own choices etc. By spending time with us and OH family they do get a balanced life. Often not much comfort when his very clever daughter is sitting at home being an unpaid babysitter to her baby cousins instead of being as school :mad:

Sorry subtle as a sledgehammer me

I can see why it must be so frustrating for you both, she seems to be a lovely girl from what you have said just basically trying her hand with her mum. If mum lets her carry on like this it will be such a waste.

It might be hard on you guys but you have to step in and do the best you possibly can for this child, you might not be popular for doing this but at least you will know you have done everything in your power to help.