Parenting clashes with ExW - UPDATED

Sagaris

findingmyownway wrote: »

what would an education welfare officer do? is that like the truant patrol?

An Education Welfare Officer works with the family, child and school to address any problems with attendance at school, finds out what problems are preventing the child from attending and does their best to improve matters and get the child back into education - whether at the current school, another school or even educating the child at home.
They can involve other agencies eg GP's, Health Visitors, Social Services etc.
(I only know this cos DD1 is one!)

Psykicpup

Would it be possible for you to find an excuse for her to stay at yours until the end of term. I only suggest this as summer hols are coming, but you maybe able to get DD into a routine again, & maybe show her 1st hand how she needs to prepare herself, by seeing you &/or DH go of to work each day first hand. It can be easy to slip into slovenly ways if given the chance. I'm not being mean to your DD in any way BTW but honestly how much would you do if you didnt have too..ie a day off.....
You said she tends to worry.. would this time relax her or make her worry more?
You said you get on well with ExW - would suggestions (very carefully made of course) get more reception if they came as part of a girlie chat? or maybe some praise for the good stuff she does- 'I dont know how you (insert praise item), I can never .......Do you have any tips?' or 'insert childs name' loved the ....... we had for dinner Sat, would you like ..me to grab you some from the shop/the recipe?' ' I know how hard it is to shop with kids in tow- would you like a lift next time we go?'
Sorry for the essay - just a thought or two - I hope that you can get it all sorted :j

changkra

There are different degrees of depression and anxiety and it does sound like she probably has a mild form of agoraphobia if she can only drive for 10 Min's and a certain distance, having said that i am certainly not medically qualified, just experienced. I wonder if she actually has any friends around her as normally true friends would help you get back on your feet and as another poster has said she sounds terribly lonely.

After reading your 2nd and 3rd posts i find it hard to choose whether it be the mother or the children to be sympathetic with. I know the children are young but from the age of 11 i had to help out in the house as my mother worked full time, we didn't have the same child care then as we do now. It started with little jobs such s closing all the curtains at a certain time int he evening to helping with the house work and dishes after dinner, i didn't get any pocket money unless i did it. Would it be too much for the eldest to do just a few little jobs for mum to make things a bit easier?

You're in a very difficult situation to know what to do, if only there was more help available to younger people and not just elderly it could help her to get her life back. You're obviously a very caring mum and have also accepted DH children as your own family, its good they have someone like you to give them some foundation.

Errata

Sounds to me that the mum isn't coping well with anything, probably because no-one has taught her how to. I wonder if the way forward is to have a down to earth chat with the daughter, explain that her mum finds life a bit difficult at times and struggles to manage things but she loves her kids to bits, and that now daughter is coming up for 13 there's quite a lot she can do to stop her mum from worrying about things. For instance getting her lazy backside out of bed and off to school. I know that sounds really harsh, but it sounds like daughter needs a reality check to stop her drifting through her school years and perhaps beyond.

findingmyownway

changkra wrote: »

You're in a very difficult situation to know what to do, if only there was more help available to younger people and not just elderly it could help her to get her life back. You're obviously a very caring mum and have also accepted DH children as your own family, its good they have someone like you to give them some foundation.

Thanks, thats a nice thing to say. I really do try my best but sometimes it never seems good enough.

I agree that the kids should be helping out at home more. But i also am realistic enough to know that they simply won't do it if they aren't nagged into it enough for it to form a habit. Maybe a chat direct with kids would help, although we have tried it before and its difficult to discuss things without appearing to slag off their Mum which is the last thing we want to do.

Zara33

How do the other kids behave?

findingmyownway

Zara33 wrote: »

How do the other kids behave?

They do not clash with their Mum to the extent that eldest does. Obviously the tiredness/diet etc affects them all. They are allowed to stay off school whenever they complain of not feeling well but they don't milk it to extremes. Probably cos they know they wouldnt get away with it.

ExW admitted last night that she is scared of the eldest and obviously this makes discipline impossible. ExW has always treated the eldest like she is far older than what she really is - expects to have adult conversations about adult issues etc. She doesnt seem to realise that she's still a kid who needs guidance and reassurance and encouragment to do homework etc. She doesn't have the same problems with her relationship with the younger two at the moment although they are still at primary school (age 8&10) so homework etc not such an issue.

Zara33

I would be worried that the other 2 kids might follow in their sister's footsteps. Then you really will have a battle.

I guess this needs to be nipped in the bud asap.

Could all the adults sit down and talk things over?

Justie

it sounds like a very similar situation to my BIL and his ex - when they were together he was the only one to cook, clean, try to get the kids to bed etc but with a full time job he found it hard and was undermined at every turn by his OH who let the kids drink coke and eat cake all day and night and wouldn't enforce bedtimes etc. They have since split and she and the kids live at her parents in an annex - grandpa now gets the kids out of bed in the morning or else they'd never go to school. She loves her kids but isn't good at parenting and can't understand the need for routine etc.


If you really don't want to go for custody then to a certain extent there's little you can do. What is worth doing is educating the kids in how to take responsibility for themselves. Making the link between poor diet and late bedtimes with not being able to get up/feeling ill etc may mean they push their mother to make changes (or it may not change anything it depends on how motivated they are). It's well worth getting education welfare involved or seeing the school counsellor to see if you can work as a team (including ex-OH) to find motivation for the eldest to go to school at least. it's also worth suggesting that she stays with you more often if that's feasible even if it's not formal custody.

It's very hard to parent remotely and all the time the kids are with their mother whatever your wishes that will be the overriding influence.

belfastgirl23

It is great that you're so concerned about the kids and great for them to have an alternative example.

Sounds to me like the Xwife is depressed at least to some level. You have done really well keeping things on such an amicable level and I think your instinct not to talk directly to the children about her is right. No matter how careful you are, she is still their mum and they won't be comfortable. Your DH might manage it though? Only you can judge this.

It sounds like the xwife is talking to you about her concerns and worries. If she has suffered from pnd in the past could you mention that she could possibly be depressed? Alternatively if she is saying she's worried about how to handle her eldest, there are parenting classes which I've heard really good things about. They're designed in part to boost self esteem of parents and help them to take on a position of authority when necessary. Gail took them in Coronation Street just in case this might be a way into mentioning them (sometimes you need to come round to these things a different way ).

The education welfare officer sounds worth exploring too. Maybe xwife needs someone to say that she has to get dd to school so that she can say it to dd?

Good luck. The other thing to say is that 13yo girls do have fraught relationships with their mums, especially when they're the eldest, so whilst of course you're concerned, this is partly in the normal run of life as well..